Wretched Creatures

**death, poison, suicidal idealization**

Not every storm feels the same.

This is a truth that Xavier finds comfort in. Some rains are a light mist gently kissing his cheeks, while others pelt against his skin as if trying to tear him open.

Like the storm knows the monster this flesh contains.

This rain is a light drizzle. Hard enough that he was soaked after just a few minutes but it doesn’t pierce him the way he craves. The way he deserves.

This is the type of rain that cleanses you. It slides down Xavier’s face like it’s washing away the dirt of his mind, buried underneath his fingernails, hidden in each crack of his skin. The wind whips his hair around, pulling each sin chained to him apart. 

Sometimes he wishes the rain wouldn’t stop. He wants it to flood his soul and destroy this wretched creature he calls a body.

He wonders if things had been different if he hadn’t gone out in the rain that day. If he hadn’t seen those deep brown eyes hidden in the holly. That rain was a sunshower - the puddles glaring brightly from the ground. 

Carter had been running. Escaping a house drowning in harsh words and harsher hits. Xavier swore then that he would do everything in his power to keep Carter safe.

To keep Carter with him.

So now, Xavier is keeping his oath.

Carter is his.

Not even the rain can take him.

The snakeroot along the fence sways with the rain. Nothing comes in. And nothing comes out.

Xavier watches as shadows dance at the edge of the forest. He reminds himself that they’re safe here. Carter is safe here. Xavier spent years making this perfect for them and now nothing will ever harm Carter again.

After another moment, Xavier turns and goes back inside - locking the door tight. Carter is asleep on the sofa, dark circles still prominent under his eyes. The blanket is only half draped over him and there’s a book laying open on the floor. 

With a fond huff, Xavier fixes the blanket and picks the book up to place it on the coffee table. Xavier takes a moment to watch Carter, slowly running his fingers through his hair.

Carter looks so peaceful like this - younger. It’s easy to forget about the anger that’s hidden just behind his eyes when he’s asleep. 

Xavier checks that the door is locked when he stands, checking each window on his way to the kitchen. Cooking is easier when Carter is asleep. 

An animal howls in the distance and Xavier checks the locks again.

“Am I dead yet?”

Xavier doesn’t turn. “I won’t let you.”

Carter hums but doesn’t move.

“Dinner will be ready soon.”

Carter doesn’t answer. Then, “You were in the rain again.”

Xavier makes his way to the sofa and sits beside Carter. “I hope I didn’t wake you.”

Carter doesn’t sit up, he only stares at Xavier like he did from behind the holly all those years ago. Xavier leans down and presses a kiss to Carter’s lips before he stands. He grabs the mug off the coffee table, now forgotten and still half full with tea, and heads back to the kitchen. Xavier stares out the window, pouring the tea down the sink. After a moment, he throws the entire jar of tea leaves in the trash.

No use keeping things that don’t work.

The rain comes down harder now. Again, Xavier wonders if this time it won’t stop. Maybe it will rain for days until the whole world is flooded in punishment. He imagines his body cold and still at the bottom of the ocean, trapped in this moment until he decays. He pictures fish making a home in his bones, hiding from predators behind the skeleton of a monster. He wonders what it would feel like to have algae grow over each of his limbs and feel the caress of the current wrap around him like a blanket.

A branch hits against the window. Xavier finishes dinner quickly and brings it to Carter where he’s now reading on the sofa. He’s rewarded with a small smile that heats his chest with spark.

They don’t speak as they eat. Xavier gets no smile when he brings Carter a new mug of tea from a new blend Xavier made just that morning.

Xavier watches silently just as he does every time. Carter drinks as much as he can stomach - just as he does every time.

He drinks all of it tonight.

They slip into their night routine after that. Xavier cleans while Carter continues to read on the sofa before they dress for bed. 

It’s easy to forget who they are as Xavier kisses along Carter’s jaw and down his throat. He can forget each terrible sin he’s committed as he slips his hands under Carter’s shirt. Smooth skin distracts him from the raging storm inside his head.

Poison, knives, bullets… all lost to the feeling skin pressed to skin, and Carter’s pleasure whispered in his ear.

Xavier is kissing along that pale expanse of stomach when the convulsions start.

He stops. Watches. 

Carter meets his eyes and gifts him a small smile.

This time. This time for sure.

It takes two nightshade berries to kill a child. Ten to kill an adult.

Xavier didn’t count when he picked them yesterday. Just as he didn’t count when he mixed them with raspberries and rosebuds, hoping to make the tea sweeter.

He cards his fingers through Carter’s hair, soothing him through the pain. It doesn’t take long for his breathing to become shallow.

He waits.

Carter lets out one last sigh and goes still, his eyes staring blankly at the ceiling.

Xavier reaches over and closes them. Carter looks so peaceful like this.

Xavier pulls the blanket over their shoulders and settles on his side. He isn’t sure how long he watches Carter. Minutes, hours. Time always feels different when he watches Carter like this.

He sleeps longer this time.

At some point, the rain stops. Its absence digs at Xavier, making him feel hollow and drained - like all of his energy had washed away with each drop.

Xavier hears birds chirping and the barest hint of sun is peeking through the curtains when Carter takes a deep breath.

His eyes flutter open but he keeps his gaze on the ceiling.

“Am I dead yet?”

Xavier smiles. “I won’t let you.”