Alley Beasts

It's what everyone always says. What everyone believes, or at least, wants to believe. I didn't have a choice.

The phrase that drives men to do horrible things. Like a warrant, signed and notarized by the universe. Justifying anything and everything under the guise of self preservation, or some twisted sense of duty. Only, most of the time, it’s the devil who’s signing.

On a night like this, you better believe he's roaming the streets. Ready and willing to take your bargain. Take your soul, and drag you straight to hell. Well, I hope he's riding the express, because I don't like to be kept waiting.

I want to start by saying that, I did in fact have a choice. Several in fact, but I'd be lying if I said they were choices I wanted to make. They wouldn’t have been as simple, nor as satisfying.

I keep telling myself that I won't say it. I won't give that horned bastard the satisfaction of hearing me say it. But I do. Everybody always does, it's compulsory at this point.

"Sorry, I don't have a choice."

Sorry.

Hah! Sorry, what good is that? I'm sorry. As if that makes it all better. As if that somehow makes up for it. I don't even know why I said it, I don't feel sorry. At least not in any meaningful way. Sure, I'm sorry, who isn’t. I'm sorry we're in this situation. I’m sorry that the world is so messed up. I'm sorry that it had to be me standing here, gun in hand, finger on the trigger. While you're over there, on your knees, begging for your life. I'm sorry that things have to be this way. But, I’m not sorry for pulling the trigger. Because deep down, I'm glad. I'm glad to have it done, and I'm glad to be rid of you.

To be honest, I had always secretly wished that I would be the one to do it. That it would end this way.

Sorry, nothing personal.

Sorry, it's just business.

All's fair in love and war, and so on and so forth…

Throw in all the cliched and worn out expressions you want. If it helps. If that makes it easier. Doesn't make a difference to me, because I know the truth. The truth is, we're all just animals, fighting for scraps of meat, and you were nibbling at my piece.

Whining beeps echo down the street, sirens. They’re far off, but still, I should hurry.

“Get up.”

“Bret! Bret, please! Don’t do it! I-I’m sorry I didn’t have any choice man! They were gonna lock me up!”

There it is again.

Sorry.

I had no choice.

Bullshit.

“Shut up. On your feet, die like a man for Christ's sake.”

“I-I’ll go away, I’ll disappear! I swear you won’t ever see my face again!”

“Too late for that now.”

“Bret, my family, my kid! She’s only two! Melin-

I hit him hard across the face. The butt of my gun catches him mid sentence. Blood and teeth splatter on the cold pavement. With a swift kick he’s on the ground on all fours. Just like a dog, I think. Just like a big, dumb, stupid animal. I hear myself snicker, I can’t help it. I’m enjoying this. More than I should be. But that makes sense, after all, I’m just a beast myself.

“Get up. I won’t tell you again.”

“Pu-please…Bret…I’m beggin’ ya. Don’t-don’t kill me. I made a mistake. There’s gotta be another way! Something else we can do. I’ll do anything!”

He staggers to his feet, barely able to stay steady.

Another way, yeah, maybe there was. Maybe I could have done some things differently. Maybe.

I could have spoken up right away, when Krissy brought him in. I could have told the boss to show him the door. I could have taken him under my wing. Shown him the ropes. Recommended some easier jobs and responsibilities to start. Protected him more. I could have helped him. Maybe.

But, I didn’t.

I tried, I really did. I tried to accept him, and see him as a comrade, but in the end I wasn’t up to it. I saw something there, in his eyes. The day he stepped up in front of us. I saw hot fire blazing in those eyes. The flame of ambition. The strength and power of youth. And the brains to use it. This was a guy who was gonna get things done, and I didn’t like that.

So, I let him wander, and get lost. Withheld solid information on some big scores. Didn’t stop him from taking some dangerous jobs. Didn’t offer him advice, when he really could have used it. Still, he moved forward, undeterred. Clearing all of my obstacles like they were nothing. That is, until last week.

The saddest part? Even after all that, he still looked up to me. He still wanted my approval, and my guidance. It was enough to tear your heartstrings. Poor kid. I wonder where he would have ended up if he’d never crossed my path. Ah well, no use in thinking about that now.

My barrel sags as I let out a tired sigh, shaking my head.

“You know that’s not possible, Rick. You didn’t just mess up. You blew the whole goddamn deal. You got caught, and you squealed. You ran your mouth, and now we have targets on our backs from all sides.”

“I had to! They had me! No parole, no bail! How was I supposed to know they were watching the place?! I thought it was safe!”

It wasn’t. It was obvious. I could smell the stink off that deal from a mile away.

“Tough. You got dealt a bad hand kid, ain’t no shame in that. But now, you gotta live with the consequences”

He stares back at me, unblinking, breathing heavily, blood trickling down his lips.

“Please…Bret…”

I pull the trigger

The bullet hits him square in the forehead, sending him reeling backwards. Brain and skull explode out onto the street. He lands in a useless clump, a pool already forming under him. Just like that, it’s over, it’s done. I walk up and put two more into his head, more out of professionalism than bloodthirst.

I let out another sigh as I gaze up at the purple haze of the evening sky. Wishing I had a stiff drink to wash away the bad taste in my mouth. For now, a smoke will do.

I pull out my phone and call the boss as I finish lighting up.

“So? Is it done?”

“Yeah, it’s done, I had to put him down in the end.”

Sour smoke fills my lungs and my vision as I make my escape.

“Ah hell, damn kid. Why couldn’t he just keep his mouth shut.”

“Dunno boss, some people just don’t have much sense I guess. He was quick, and smart, but not smart enough.”

“Guess so, shame, I had a good feeling about him.”

“Me too, boss, me too.”

“I’ll send the boys to clean up. Usual spot?”

“Yeah, the usual, I’m heading out now, see you soon.”

“Will do, see you.”

Click. Dead air.

I take one more drag, then snuff out the cigarette on the alley wall. The street is empty, usually is at this time of night. No one will find him for hours. By then he’ll just be a stain on the ground. One to match all the others. All the other hateful choices I decided to make in my miserable life.

As I think about them, I can’t help but wonder what they would have done in my place. Would they have done things differently? Maybe, but that kind of thinking will get you killed out here. I’ll leave those questions to the philosophers and the poets. As for me, I’m just a hungry dog. Starving in fact, and I intend to eat. Steak sounds good. Yeah, a nice juicy piece of meat. Nice, and raw, and bloody.