Dear outcasts and outlaws,

The summer season is upon us and many of you are coming out of their shitty-ass den. After all, sunshine is one of the few things we can afford since it's free. Yours truly has been keeping an eye on the shortcomings of the people of the mean streets for the past week and here's what happened:

Pork Rind in Prison for Biting her Sister’s Finger Off Fighting for Mysterious Redneck

A close relative of Pork Rind spilled the outrageous details of the fight. Last Friday, the well-known trashy sisters Pork Rind and Bacon Butt got into a violent altercation at The Shadoobie bar, leaving Bacon Butt with one less digit. According to the source, the greasy sisters were fighting over an unidentified young man with a Confederate flag tattoo on his neck. The heartthrob flew the scene solo after picking up the piece of finger on the floor, and was not spotted ever since.

Laid Laird Got The Cold Shoulder From a Man With Big Mammary Glands

Laid Laird striked again! Famous for his hateful rants about strangers, Laid Laird threw a hissy fit on Charest Street Sunday afternoon after seeing what would be a man with pretty big cans. The victim was wearing a tight shirt that highlighted his protruding man-breasts, and Laid Laird did not like this. According to many witnesses, Laid Laird was seen running after the voluptuous man until he ultimately confronted him man to 'man'. The words ''Boobs are for women, you mindfucking creature'' were uttered, and the big-breasted guy calmly walked away with, tits bouncing as he faded into the distance, leaving Laid Laird probably sexually frustrated.

Pitter Patter Patrick Has a New DIY Electric Bike, Will Deliver 'Specially Soaked Weed' Up to 50 Miles

After working on his new makeshit, I mean, 'makeshift' electric bike, Pitter Patter Patrick is proud to announce that he will now deliver his 'special homegrown-soaked weed' up to 50 miles away from downtown. And by 'special', we mean formaldehyde-soaked weed that apparently provides a near-death experience. Always the innovator, Pitter Patter Patrick installed a lawnmower motor on a regular bike and used one of his daughter's school chair as a seat. The cherry on top is the steering wheel, a piece of junk that was used in another life on a small boat that he found at the dump among other debris. Hit him up to get fucked up! 

Crazy Cory Was Caught Stealing Half a Dozen Purebred Cats

When it’s time to make a buck in the most memorable way, we all know Crazy Cory is the ultimate guy. According to the police report, the batshit crazy multiple offender found a prolific cat breeder’s address, and attempted a catnapping. He was found laying on the ground at the crime scene, curled up in a fetal position, after being violently attacked by the cats. What a twit!

Viscious Vicky is Now Single!

Vicious Vicky wants to announce to people from he underworld that she is now single. After a tumultuous relationship with her stepfather for the past 25 years, she says she is now ready to hit the market again. She is looking for a man well past the golden age, with a lot of money and not so long to live. Vicky, we appreciate your honesty and on the behalf of every woman on Earth, we all share the same dream guy as you. We'll see you both the wedding and the funeral!

Boozebag Bozo Was 6 Days Sober!

For as long as we can remember, Bozo has always been the #1 drunk of our dearly beloved underworld community. His wife, Crackhead Karen, convinced him to give sobriety a try to save a few bucks for more rocks, and he did. He wrote to us because he wanted to share an important piece of advice he realized from this life-changing experience: ''Don't EVER stop drinking or you will have to face your feelings! Choose booze!' He was seen yesterday pissing in Miss Cochrane's vegetable garden, claiming that an alcoholic's piss is full of nutrients and is good for the harvest, and that he was actually doing her a favor. From the heart of every underworld resident, we want to say that we love you Boozebag Bozo, and keep on boozing!

Scary Gerry Reunites With Hipster Ex-Girlfriend After 3 Years in the Psych Ward

The cuckoo left the nest! After a 3-year absence from the streets, Scary Gerry was seen panhandling on St-Joseph street like he used to do for most of his life. He was being side-hugged from his ex-girlfriend, the blonde girl who thinks she is too cool for school with her fashionable rag-looking clothes from Urban Outfitters that are actually expensive. Just like always, Scary Gerry was drinking a tall boy of Colt 45 with his eyes empty and she was smoking a long thin pricey cigarette that makes her look even more like a cunt. It is not clear whether or not the mismatched couple is back together, but we hope not. Our dear Scary Gerry deserves better than this fake-ass girl who thinks being homeless and broke is cool.

WELCOME BACK TO THE UNDERWORLD

This week, we are happy to welcome them back from the Big House!

Shady Shimmy - Guilty of breaking & entering to live inside an elderly couple's house for 29 days unnoticed. They discovered him when he had a laughing fit under the bed at one of the husband's joke about his asshole wife.

Jordy J - Guilty of ordering food from Uber Eats and complaining it was uneatable to get a refund. He had to reimburse the sum total of 549,59$ that he scammed, and gained 20 pounds in the span of 3 months when he started doing this. Yeah, we all noticed. Good luck getting back in shape Jordy J!

Don't hesitate to share your outrageous underworld community stories at underworld_telltales@hotmail.com

STAY WEIRD!