Bent Yet Unbroken

I saw you in the forest yesterday. It was so normal, I almost thought you were real.

You used to spend hours there, remember? Just you and the trees. You told me once that you liked it there because it made you feel small. I didn't understand then, but I think I do now.

You felt like your problems were insurmountable. All-consuming. But when you were out there, you were a small piece of an infinite universe. A cog in an ever-growing machine. When you were there your problems felt small too.

I would've spent forever there if it made you happy. I would have done anything for you.

Maybe that was the problem.

My love for you was an ocean, but I think you were drowning in it.

On the good days, I think that you didn't hate me for what happened. Most of the time I think that you did. That's okay, though. I wouldn't blame you. Sometimes I hate myself for it too.

I went out there yesterday because wanted to feel what you felt. Alone? Small? Incomplete? Anything would have been better than the numbness that took your place when you were gone.

You had your back to me, but I knew that it was you. Your hair was unbound, head tilted up to the sky. Your stance was free; untethered. I don't think I've ever seen you that calm.

Even on your best nights, your hands trembled with fear. Your face was tight and withdrawn. Silent tears like knives carved patterns in your face when you thought I was asleep. You were terrified of something I couldn't see.

But now there was no fear; no hesitation. You turned around and smiled. You smiled. In all the time that I had known you, your smiles were rare; reserved. It was like you thought that if you showed too much emotion your carefully crafted mask would break.

I think that's when I started crying. I didn't realize it until the tears were already falling. I didn't wipe them away; didn't dare blink. I was afraid you would disappear if I looked away even for a second.

I stumbled toward you, desperate to hold you again, but no matter how fast I ran I couldn't catch up. You were just out of reach, like always. Even in death, I was too far behind you, and you couldn't slow down.

Spindly branches whipped at my face, thin welts cutting my face into a macabre collage. The frigid air bit at my nose, staining it a faint red. My boots were crimson, a stark contrast to the frost that had claimed the ground beneath my feet. Too stark.

I was out of place here; I didn't quite fit in. This forest was a vast puzzle missing a piece, but it wasn't me. It was you.

I wheezed faintly, lungs straining as I pushed myself past my limits. It didn't matter. With every frantic step I took, you took two.

Then, as if you were never there at all, you were gone. I searched for hours, wailing your name until my voice was shredded beyond recognition. My fingers were numb and shaking, lashes glued together with tears, snot frozen above my lip.

I'm sure I looked crazed, blotchy and bloody as I was.

Even then I wandered, certain that I would find you if I just kept looking. I didn't, of course. But I deluded myself anyways.

It almost broke me, you know. Having you so close, only to be ripped away again.

Back at our home, I wondered if it was all a cruel trick. A fantasy I created to shield myself from reality. But at the same time, I knew that it was you I saw in those woods. I knew it like a caterpillar knows to form a chrysalis; I knew it like a wolf knowns to hunt a rabbit; I knew it like a bird knows how to fly.

So I did the only thing I could. I went to see you.

It was dusk, and as the sun slipped under the horizon the world took on a quiet hum. I had come here so often I could have walked to you blindfolded.

I settled down, staring at you, and reached out towards you.

Flesh met cold stone.

I traced the words inscribed on your headstone, repeating the epitaph I knew by heart.

Hikaru Ito. 1998-2015. He lived. Against all odds, he lived. And though he bent, he was never broken.

You are gone now like you always wanted. Free from the world that hurt you. Free from the people who watched it happen.  I hope you’re happier now, in the inky-black sky, where they can’t harm you. I hope your past no longer haunts you, and the heaviness in your heart is gone. 

You were Sora; Sky, named by the people you chose. You were Hikaru; Light, named by the people who chose you. 

I’m sorry they hurt you to the point where you felt like you had to be in pain to feel something. I'm sorry I couldn’t stop them, and that you were all alone in the darkness. I’m sorry that you were forced to become the thing that would destroy you, and that we watched as you withered away.

Even though I miss you so much that I can’t breathe, I know you’re with me. I will not forget you, and I will love you until I die. 

You are not lost, you are just wandering. You are not gone, for I feel you still.

You were the boy who chose death but still feared it. You were the boy who looked at human life like it was nothing because that was what you were taught. You were the boy I loved so much that I let you go. You were the boy of long silences, violent outbursts, and muffled sobs. You were the boy who weathered unbearable pain but refused to break.

You were Hikaru, and you were my friend.

I will not let this world forget you.