Too Afraid

I wish i had the nerves. I wish i was confident enough to tell him this. For years i have struggled to make conversations fun, interesting and intriguing, but it was a real struggle, for every single thing i had said was made up. I was afraid to open up to him. I wad afraid to show myself. Afraid that he would not like me for it. Afraid that he would judge me because i was vulnerable. I felt like i was the only one responsible for everthing that happened.

This story goes all the way to 7th grade. There was this boy in class. I had known him since 1rst grade. We were never that close, and we barely even talked. He was always hanging out with guys, and i was too nervous to have friends who were boys... more like too scared. Every single time i tried to make friends with a boy i started to catch feelings. Luckily i got over that later on. By the end of the scholastic year he started messing with me. I was at the top of the class, but his grades were gradually dropping. He stopped trying anymore. I tried to help but i was of no use. He had given up. And i guess not being good in school drove him into making comments about how smart i was. I didn't like it. It's not always fun hearing people say that you're smart, and you don't need to learn as much to get good grades, because we worked hard to get there, but why didn't you. I ignored the comments, and eventually they stopped. But then we started talking. I felt like i was just getting to know him. He was different than most boys. The average boys at our school were cocky, arrogant and dumb, but he was humble and sweet. He seemed to understand the situations and the problems he had faced. He had a better understanding of life than others. So that caught my attention. Maybe he was worth knowing better. Except i had no idea that he was leaving in a month.

30 days later, when summer had already begun, and everyone was under the burning hot sun getting tanned, and the world seemed like a peaceful happy place again, i got the news. The news that he was leaving our school seeking a better education system where he could succeed. That night i texted him and we talked for HOURS. We talked about why he was leaving, he said that he just wouldn't succeed if he stayed, but he didn't want to leave because he'd miss us; all his friends. But in the end he had to go because of certain priorities

To be honest, he didn't completely disappear from my life. We kept talking, and checking up on each other, but it wasn't easy at all. After a year had passed the conversations started getting shorter and shorter, and that scared me. I knew it wasn't going to last long, and i hated it so much. I was mad for a while. Mad at life because it had to take away a friend, and break relationships, and leave people like me torn and broken because we felt responsible for the fallouts. It was really difficult; trying to find topics to talk about, but it shouldn't have been. If only we had had more time to know each other better, conversations would not have been so hard.

I felt like i didn't know him anymore. I didn't know his interests, his favorite food, favorite sport... just the normal things. I didn't know them. Watching my other friend talking to him with such ease, made me realize there's something wrong. I didn't know him anymore.

The Sweetest thing was, that he kept trying to talk to me, and i kept trying to not bore him with details of my life that he didn't know about. He didn't know me either. I had changed a lot since the last time he saw me. I had grown so much, but he wasn't there during that time. I was literally a different person with different perspectives, different values, different opinions... but he was never present when i changed.

I was really tired. I wad pretending that everything was fine when it wasn't. I felt really bad for thinking that way. I felt really bad for being tired to keep the conversation going on. I felt like a bad person because i felt like it was easier to just move on, when he was trying to hang on. But what was he really hanging on? I wonder if he felt the same was but never expressed it. But the days went on anyway. Regardless of the difficulties i survived.

After Another long year, the worst thing happened. I wish it never did happen, and i blame myslef for it. Imagine being in a conversation and feeling like the words you speak are just too much for the other to handle, and the things you think are simple just don't make sense to them. Imagine growing apart from someone to the extent that they act like they understand you just not to make it awkward. It was really heartbreaking for me. I felt like i had grown, and moved on, but he hadn't. The things i said; which i thought he'd understand, were just too much for him to handle. I felt sorry that he had to type "haha yea" after i sent a paragraph about how i felt towards something, just because he didn't get it. At this point he was just pretending, but he also didn't want to give up.

What Is this? It is yet another unfortunate event. I saw him one day at a gathering. I smiled and was happy because i finally got to meet him again. I was anxious to talk and catch up. I watched him walk right in front of me, i got ready to say "hi" and wave at him, but he turned his face and walked away.

It Was a really bad moment. I kind of felt why he did that. He didn't want to see me, or talk to me. Maybe because he was too afraid. Maybe because i would've been too afraid. I was afraid, but i was trying to be nice to him. Later that night; at literally midnight, i texted him, told him that i saw him, and asked why he turned away. He answered without hesitation that he didn't see me. I knew then that he was lying, and he was just scared to confront me.

After That i didn't know why he tried anymore. I wanted to tell him several times that we had grown apart, and had nothing in common with each other. I wanted him to realize that we were not the same people we knew from our childhood, that we had just changed too much. Correction: i had changed too much. I never had the nerves to tell him. I wad too afraid of hurting his feelings. I was too afraid that I'd ruin his day. I kept my feelings to myslef for quite a long time, until there was no conversation left. We had grown apart. Moved on. All we had left of each other was memories. Some good, some bad. But i still wonder, would it have been the same if i had told him that we had grown apart? If i had been honest, would he have understood? Would we have gotten the chance to fix our relationship?