42 comments

Crime Drama

“There’s someone here,” I called the recepsionist of the hotel where I’m staying right now.  I was asleep and had just woken up due to the mysterious light and sound out of the shower.

  “Someone? It must be your imagination sir,” she said.

  “The toilet lights are on and I could hear the sound of a shower.”

  “Wait a minute sir, please let me check.”

  “Make it quick please-”

 I saw it, a finger turned the phone off. I then looked up, it was a man around his 30s. A naked blak haired man who had just come out of the bathroom appeared. He had this bad scar on his face, did he get into a fight? 

  “It’s alright, they should’ve told you that I’ll be staying with you,” he informed me.

  “What proof do you have?” I was in disbelief, I was supposed to be here alone.

  “Call the receptionist.” 

  “I just did and you cut the lne off,” I complained.

  “S-sorry,” he apologized and laughed it off, I wish that I could too.  RING! RING! The phone rang and I immediately picked it up.

  “Y-yes?” I responded.

  “We are terribly sorry sir,” she apologized.

  “Is it about the man that stayed with me?”

  “Yes, your room was double booked. Would you want to change to a new room?” She offered.

  “So what about you? I don’t mind sleeping with you if it could cut the cost down,” I closed the phone with my hand so that the receptionist wouldn’t hear me.

  “It’s a win-win isn’t it?” He agreed.

  “Besides this room has a twin bed, it would be a waste wouldn’t it?” He shrugged.

  “No thank you, I don’t need to change the room, thank you.”

  “We are terribly sorry sir.” 

  “It’s alright,” I turned the phone off.

  “I’m John, John Burrow,” he introduced himself.

  “Kevin, Kevin Mcauley,” we then shook hands.

  “You must be on vacation right? You’re from Boston aren’t you?” 

   “Y-yes, how did you know?” I was surprised. 

   KNOCK! KNOCK! The door knocked.

  “Yes?” 

  “Room service sir.” 

  “Room service? We didn’t order for it though.”

  “It’s on the house sir, to make up for the booking mistake.”

 I then let him in and he prepared our food, I sat at the chair while he sits at the sofa. It was a steak, not badbut could be much better. I continued the talk that we had left off earlier. 

  “So, how did you know that I was from Boston?” 

  “Your accent gave you away, npt only that but I spotted your ticket earlier. Oh not only that but you had a Boston cheesecake with you,” he wiped his mouth with a napkin.

  “Siblings, let me guess. Two?” 

  “How did you-”

  “A brother and a little sister?” 

  “Amazing, you’re just like Holmes, Dupin, Poirot,” I praised him. 

  “I’m no Holmes.” 

Wait, this is dangerous for me. I need to make something up so that I couldget away first thing in the morning. It’ll be bad if he finds out. Should I ask him to join me? He has good eyes, this is risky. We became quiet for a while, around fifteen minutes perhaps? We had finished our meal and called for the bell man to come in.

  “So, what do you do for a living?” That’s a surprise, never thought that he would get the conversation going. 

  “Me?  Not much, I’m a civil servant ” I was one to be exact, I need to pick my words carefiuly  from here on out. 

  “You?” I asked back.

  “I’m a fisherman, I’m here to catch  a not so little carp,” he stated as he lights his smoke.

 “Carp? They live in  the fresh waters don’t they?” I was confused by what he had said.

  “Don’t mind that, it's a phrase that I like to use. I’m a great white shark after all,” he took a smoke out of his pocket. 

  “You don’t mind if I smoke here do you?” He politely asked for my permission.

  “Go on ahead.” 

  “I’ve been smoking since I was 19,” he told me. I had never smoked even once in my life and I don’t intend to. 

  “The smoke’s  bad for you isn’t it?” I warned him. 

  “ The carbon is.” 

 He then put the smoke out. 

  “Speaking of smokes, have you heard?” 

  “Heard?” What’s with the confusing question. 

  “The bombing.”

  “B-bombing?” 

  “You know, the bank that got robbed.”

  “T-the bomb? It was the doings of the mafias wasn’t it?” 

  “That’s what they said, I’m no holmes,” he then entered the room and went outside. He said that he had an appointment later on. I then unzipped the suitcase which he had left behind, why you ask? Precautions, I found nothing that could harm me though and I then zipped it back. Should I leave now? Should I ask him to join me on the next job? He then came in.

  “So, how did it go?” I asked.

  “Everything’s doing fine,” he smiled.

  “I could see it in your face.”  

  “Really?”

  “W-what are you doing?” I froze, I was choked by that thing’s presence. A 34cm black block, it has a cylinder inside it. Yes, as you may have guessed. It was a gun indeed.

  “W-why are y-you pointing that t-thing at me?”  Did he find out?

  “You can fool me.”

  “F-fool you?”

  “Mr robber, don’t you think that it’s strange?”

  “S-strange? What is?” 

  “I know everything about you yet you didn’t suspect me at the least.”

  “I thought that you had a keen mind.”

  “I’m a goddamn police! Now hands behind your back!” He ordered me as he showed me his detectie badge. 

  “A-alright I will!” 

  “I told you that I’m no Holmes right?”

He then handcuffed me and searched my room. It turns out that they’ve had everything planned from the get go. Me staying in this hotel, the double book. I fell into their trap, I thought that I could hide here for a while and I was dead wrong, they then sent me to jail.

March 02, 2021 11:34

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42 comments

Aman Fatima
16:36 Mar 20, 2021

Hey. So the story is good but confusing. it was easy to read and go through but you need something more. i have a feeling you could do better with a bit more background or description. Here from the critique circle.

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Affair Writer
18:10 Mar 20, 2021

Hi, thanks for the critique. Thinks are kind of hectic for me for these past few months(school) and that's why I have to finish writing it quick. I do agree that I sum up my story too soon. Thanks for the tip, I'll keep it in mind

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Aman Fatima
05:35 Mar 21, 2021

Well i look forward to more of your stories. Keep writing!!!

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Nina Chyll
21:15 Mar 10, 2021

Hey, you’re in my critique circle this week! The story was pretty confusing to read to be honest. The tense jumped between past and present, there were quite a lot of commas missing, and the lack of dialogue beats, especially with the receptionist on the phone, made it difficult to tell who was talking. There were also quite a few misspelled words. The premise itself was cool and I very much wanted to know what would happen next, but it’d be good to draw out the climax of the story for a little longer.

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Affair Writer
15:24 Mar 13, 2021

thanks for the critic, if you were in my critic circle and I haven't critiqued you then I'm sorry. I've been busy with school work so that's why I have to wrap my story up as soon as I can. thanks for the advice. I will keep that in mind. p.s English is not my first language, sorry if it confused you.

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Affair Writer
15:24 Mar 13, 2021

thanks for the critic, if you were in my critic circle and I haven't critiqued you then I'm sorry. I've been busy with school work so that's why I have to wrap my story up as soon as I can. thanks for the advice. I will keep that in mind. p.s English is not my first language, sorry if it confused you.

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Affair Writer
15:24 Mar 13, 2021

thanks for the critic, if you were in my critic circle and I haven't critiqued you then I'm sorry. I've been busy with school work so that's why I have to wrap my story up as soon as I can. thanks for the advice. I will keep that in mind. p.s English is not my first language, sorry if it confused you.

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