A Shady Brady

I couldn’t recall exactly where I’d  been, but I definitely heard Mom calling all of us to dinner so I snapped out of my fog.

The long table next to the family room was big enough for the entire family and it was nicely set. Even though we were made to drink milk with dinner which I didn’t like. Mom and Dad had grownup drinks it seemed. Maybe it was iced tea but I didn’t think so. I would have preferred it to milk no matter what it was. 

Cindy, Marsha and I sat on one side of the table and Bobby, Peter and Greg sat on the other. There was a large roast beef, mashed potatoes, peas and rolls. It tasted even better than it looked and I ate really fast. So I had to sit while the rest of this bunch finished eating. 

Greg was yammering on and on about how he needed a car and that meant he wanted to get a job. Maybe I was bored but I decided to join in that conversation. 

“Hey Greg. Maybe you should get a Tesla.”

Dad looked at me with a puzzled look on his face. “Why are you bringing up Tesla? His work had nothing to do with cars!” 

It felt like he was trying to make me look stupid and I definitely got annoyed. 

“Not talking about a man. I’m talking about a car and the environment and the climate crisis. This is California isn’t it?”

Mom was staring at me. “Jan, honey—are you feeling okay? You’re acting awfully strange.”

She did have a point as I had no idea how I knew that stuff. But I knew. I decided to just be quiet before my cuckoo flew completely over the nest. 

“Greg, you’re too young to be working a lot of hours after school but I have an idea,” Dad said. “You can come work at the firm as a bike messenger. That’s all you’ll do, just deliver plans and contracts to our clients.” From where I sat, he looked mighty pleased with himself. 

“Speaking of jobs,” I said, “why isn’t Alice sitting at this table with us? She cooked all this food but then she disappeared. And God only knows what she did for Sam to get a discount on this roast.” 

Things got really quiet before Mom told me to go to my room. Up those marvelous stairs in this trendy split-level. But I didn’t go gently into that forced goodnight. 

“Alright I’m going. And tomorrow I’m helping Alice join a union. And Greg’s gonna get fired from that job because he’s a dipshit.”

I was at the top of the stairs by the time I finished my tirade. I ran to the small bedroom I shared with Cindy and Marsha. Marsha Marsha Marsha. I got myself ready for bed and was nearly asleep when the two sisters came in. They both plopped down on my bed which made it very crowded. 

“Jan what’s the matter with you? You’ve been acting like a weirdo all day,” Marsha said. “It reflects poorly on me.”

That was such a stuck-up thing to say. Everything had to be viewed through the lens of her perfection it seemed. 

“I’m not weird, you’re weird,” I said.  “You all act like this situation is all normal but I promise you one day you’ll be confused like I am. Maybe one day a football will smack you on your perfect nose and you’ll know real pain and you’ll question everything.”

Cindy gave me such a pathetic look. “That’s not nith, Jan." 

“It’s NICE, Cindy. Not ‘nith.’ Jesus H. Christ why don’t these people take you to speech therapy? Obviously they have money.”

Marsha promptly got up and stomped out of the room and came back seconds later. “Mom and Dad want to see you right now.”

I took my time walking to their room and the way they looked, I knew they were pissed. 

“Jan, we need to talk,” Mom said. “We’re a little concerned that you’re going through something and not feeling like yourself.”

“I got my period last year, Carol. I bet you spend a lot on us gals buying stuff for our lady business, Mike.”  I felt out of control and awful after I said it. 

“I’m going to check on the boys,” Dad said. “Say you’re sorry to your mother for being vulgar and then try to open up, Jan. We just want to help.”

Carol Brady was looking at me like a damn angel with a platinum shag hair halo. Or maybe it was a golden mullet. I’m not an expert on 1960’s hair. She looked loving and compassionate. 

“Honey, sit here beside me,” she said. So I did even though I didn’t feel particularly close to her like I did my real mom. Real mom? I wasn’t sure why that thought slipped into my head which was pounding by that time. 

“Jan, if you’re experiencing that whole ‘middle child’ thing again, I thought that was resolved. We love you as much as we love the other kids. I know you’ve had issues before when us girls have had to take a backseat to the boys but Jan, that’s just how things are. Best to get used to it while you’re young.”

“Carol, it will be a cold day in hell while pigs are flying when I bow to this bullshit patriarchy. You are a disappointment.”

“I hate to do this, Jan. But you simply cannot disrespect me like that. You’re grounded. No TV for a week.”

“Look Carol there’s nothing on TV from this era that I haven’t seen a million times. So big freaking deal.”

I wasn’t through. “You know what’s disrespectful? It’s you dating Greg. Don’t even act like you don’t know what I’m talking about. And Dad doesn’t even like women. Everybody knows he’s gay but here we are, pretending. Being fake. This is all a big fat lie and I want out of it. Please just get me out of it.”

“Go to bed. We’ll talk this over tomorrow, Jan.” Carol Brady was clocking out. 

So I did. I went to this tiny bedroom with three twin beds. Next to a bathroom with no toilet. Good thing I didn’t have to pee. My bed was tiny but I was glad to crash into it. I immediately fell into a deep sleep. 

As I was slowly awakening, I felt the bigness of the bed. Now that was more like it! It was so comfy and I decided to roll over and go right back to sleep. Except I was jarred fully awake by two people, jumping on the bed. 

“Get up, sleepy head! We let you crash but it’s time to rise and shine!” OMG it was Monica. 

“I’ve got a date, so don’t take too long in the shower.” Yep. Rachel. 

I raised up in the bed, really a bit unsure of myself. Where did I fit? I felt like I was not really at home but somehow these people were treating me like family. I got up and headed toward the shower. And I saw myself in the mirror. 

A scream bubbled up out of me from the depths of my soul. 

“No! Not Phoebe! I can’t be Phoebe. Why? Why am I Phoebe?”

Some lady I didn’t know came into the bathroom and took my hand. “Let’s get you back to your bed, dear. I’ve got your meds right here.” 

Simply because I didn’t know what else to do, I followed her down a drab greenish hallway where all the doors had eye-level windows. Double paned with wire between them. 

As we walked, a man was being pushed down the hallway, handcuffed to the wheelchair. I couldn’t help but stare as he was the spitting image of Jack Nicholson. A real dead ringer. He made eye contact with me and grinned. “Wanna play later?” he shouted at me. 

“Wrong verb!” I yelled back. I got into bed and pretended to take the pill Nurse Ratched handed me. I was adept at fooling her. My bed was familiar. I felt at home and fully in my own skin. I’d be fine for a while, until my adventures started again. It’s not a life for everyone but my many lives suit me just fine.