Peanut Butter Cup for Thought

Fixated on the newly installed vending machine, I twirled my hair around my finger until my scalp started to hurt. Since I wasn’t a fan of nuts, there weren’t many temptations that interfered with my allergy, but there was just something beyond enticing about those chocolate peanut butter cups… Illuminated by an iridescent light bulb and positioned just perfectly to catch anyone’s attention, they were all but begging to be bought. Mocking my very existence and making my mouth water, I struggled to shift my focus elsewhere. 

It was a stare down between discipline and desire, and desire won. Without truly weighing the consequences it may reap or considering the fact that they couldn’t be consumed without going into anaphylactic shock, I eagerly reached for a crumbled-up, five dollar bill that was burning a hole in my pocket. As I stuffed the treat in my purse, I tiptoed out of the snack wing in an effort to disguise my crime. Before I could go completely unnoticed, the receptionist caught me in the act.

“Eris! Goodness, in such a hurry today, aren’t we. You haven’t even scheduled your next appointment yet. And aren’t you hot in that sweater, darling?”

I grabbed my sleeves awkwardly as I inaudibly tried to string a sentence together. Interactions were not my strong suit, but, luckily for me, she was a talker. 

“Come, come. Another three month check-in, it’s looking like, dear. How ever would I go on without seeing that lovely smile?”

She cackled warmly at her own remark, like any well-mannered receptionist would. I couldn’t help but stare at her eyebrows; not only did they clash with her red hair, but they looked like they were drawn on with a black sharpie marker. 

“Are there any mornings available in September? These late evening time slots just aren’t working for me.” 

Rambling off dates like an auctioneer, she replied, “September 10th at 8 a.m., 12th at 10 a.m., we do have the 13th, but it’s at 1 p.m., 16th at-”

Already halfway out the door, I echoed back, “Yep, yes. September 10th is wonderful, Natasha.”

As I shoved my shoulder into what I thought would be a metal door, I ended up colliding with something much softer and warmer.

“Oh- oh, my goodness, I’m so sorry.” Ashamed, I peered down at my feet.

“Hey, no biggie,” he paused and touched my shoulder, “Wait a second… Eris? Is that you?”

Skeptical that someone would know my name in a state so far away from my hometown, my head shot up. Even with heels, I’d have to stand on my tippy toes just to reach his forehead. Sure enough, it was Gabriel from high school. His facial features were still recognizable, but he had since grown his hair out and finished his tattoo sleeve. 

Somewhat sarcastic but also truly intrigued, I questioned, “Wow, Gabe, what ever are you doing in a town as remote as Brindlewood? I thought you had bigger ambitions than this..”

He smirked, “Hospitable as ever, Eris. I always did love that sense of humor of yours.”

I wasn’t aware that I was being funny. I furrowed my brows, awaiting his response.

“Ah, well… I’m here for my mom, but that’s not important. It’s actually quite a nice place. I was surprised at all the hidden treasures and things to do around here.”

“Mhm, yeah. Well it was good to see you. I really should be-”

He grabbed my arm as I tried to squeeze past, and I winced.

“Woah there, go-getter. You might not be thrilled to see me at a doctor’s office, but why don’t we try that bar that just opened up? Crafts and Cocktails, I think its called. We can grab a drink and catch up. I don’t know many- who am I kidding- I don’t know any people around here yet. It would be nice to have a friend..”

Gabe licked his lips as he talked; I wanted to give him the Chapstick in my purse. I looked down nervously at my watch; Calvin would be expecting me home soon. I had a feeling Gabe’s persistence would outlive my time deadline, so I caved.

“Alright, alright. Fine. Here’s my number. Just don't double text me… or even message me at all.”

He came off as cool and confident, but, regardless of my disinterest, I could see the silent celebration in his stance as he pocketed his cellphone. I breathed a sigh of relief when he let go of my arm. As we said our rushed goodbyes, he didn’t break eye contact with me. Even as I jogged to my car in the parking lot, I could feel him admiring me.

***

By the time I got home, the sun had lost its fight, and the moon invaded. I listened to the rise and fall of my chest in an attempt to collect myself before I entered the house. To my surprise, Calvin seemed to be in a decent mood, which was, more than likely, attributed to the drink in his hand.

“Eris, my sweet Eris, you’ve finally returned home to me. I was starting to worry.”

He was still dressed in half of his work clothes, while the other half lay scattered across the living room floor. His hazelnut eyes weren’t yet glossy, and he smelled of concrete paste and debris. As per the norm, he neglected all of the house chores; however, it did appear as if he set up a small date. Striding over to the front door, he held out his hand to escort me to the couch. 

There were drinks and bowls full of snacks presented on the coffee table and a movie making white noise in the background. We sat there in the dark, snacking on pretzels and potato chips and discussing our day. After every few sentences, he would grab my waist and kiss my forehead, like he hadn’t seen me in weeks. It was nice to be adored. Just as I was getting lost in the moment, a shattered bottle awoke my daze. 

“Goddammit, Eris, will you get that? Why are we always moving the trashcan around here?”

I should have known the fantasy would be short lived. I scurried to find the dustpan and broom as Calvin stumbled to his feet. He watched me sweep up the mess, as he was becoming perplexed by his own thoughts.

“Now wait a damn second… Your appointment was at 4 p.m. today, when the sun was still rising and shining. Why is it that you got home well after dark?”

Keeping my head down, I replied, “I must’ve got held up at reception.. I’ve told you how she likes to ramble on.”

Calvin slammed the coffee table, and I froze. He started circling and shaking his head.

“Now that just doesn’t make sense to me. I tell you all the time to ignore those psychopaths. And I think the whole idea of meds are absurd, anyways. You’re a nutcase, acting like you need medication to survive. A whole building full of lunatics.”

As I started to push myself up off of the ground, Calvin spun around towards me.

“I was talking to you. Don’t you think that justifies an answer?”

Not wanting to dig my grave any deeper by saying the wrong thing, I clenched my fists and held my tongue, prepared for his next move. He snatched me up by the throat, smacked me sharply across the face, and murmured derogatory phrases as he stormed through the door. I had gotten off easy that time.

Later that night when the intoxication wore off and he found his way back home, he sunk back into bed with me, his warm skin transmitting all the apology I needed. Kissing my neck where he had left prints and pulling me close onto his chest, I drifted off to sleep, safe and secure in his arms.

Nobody knew Calvin like I did. Nobody knew that he was a grizzly bear when he got mad, or that he was a teddy bear when the anger wore off. Nobody knew that he just needed a little bit of taming, or that I was the one who could do it. 

***

Maybe it was loneliness, maybe it was compulsion. I wasn’t sure what it was that persuaded me, but I agreed to meet Gabriel at the local bar for an early afternoon drink. He was already seated at a stool with a beer and a martini in hand when I arrived.

“I’m guessing the beer’s for me?” 

I jokingly went to grab his drink, and he slid me mine. It had been a while since I got dolled up or even gone out, but I curled my eyelashes and straightened my hair just for the occasion. His hair was slicked back, and he wore an expensive watch, clearly on display in hopes of impressing me. Gabriel eyed me up and down as I took a seat.

“You look- stunning, Eris, truly.”

I blushed, forgetting how to react to a sincere compliment from another man. I wanted to tell him how handsome he looked, but I didn’t know how. It only took me a few more drinks and minimal small talk to wash my original worries away. Dangling my feet and watching his lips move as he talked, I was enthralled by his presence. Before I knew what hit me, we were venturing into personal territories I didn’t plan on encountering.

“Out of all places to run into each other, the doctor’s is not one I’d imagine. You look pretty healthy to me,” he chuckled, “why were you there?”

“Oh, uh… I go for meds. Anxiety and depression and things of the sort.”

He could sense my dramatic shift in mood. 

“There’s nothing wrong with that. We all need a little help sometimes. It doesn’t make you any less of a person.”

I gazed up into his eyes, relieved that he didn’t shame me for it. He offered up some of his own demons.

“I was there for my mom. I actually moved down here to take care of her while she goes through chemotherapy.”

My eyes increasingly softened when I thought back to the way I treated him at the doctor’s office, brisk and callous. If I had known…

“Eris, it’s not your burden to carry, nor am I your tragedy to cry over. I came here to enjoy a nice drink and conversation with a friend, and that’s just what I’m doing.”

Bonding over our hardships and the way life had laughed at our aspirations, we finished our drinks in unison. Placing my glass down, I regrettably glanced at the time. Suddenly in a panic, I slung my purse over my shoulder and jumped up. Gabriel grabbed my arm before I could run, but this time, I didn’t wince. In that moment of frozen time, we locked eyes and lost the rest of the world.

“I look forward to seeing you again, Eris.”

***

For as uplifted as the reconnection had made me feel, my heart sank immediately when I saw Calvin’s car parked in the driveway upon my return. He wasn’t due back from work until later that night, and I had purposefully left my cellphone at home to deter any questionable location flags he may receive. I crept into the house, praying he was asleep.

It was God who must’ve been sleeping, as my prayer went unanswered. Propped up in the recliner with a bottle of whiskey in one hand and my phone in the other, Calvin was awaiting my arrival.

“I would offer you something to drink, but it appears as if you’ve already had plenty.”

“Calvin, it’s not what you think-”

Matter of factly, he replied, “Ah, now I understand- you were just out buying the beer I asked for. That would also explain these text messages from a… Gabriel- he’s just the distributor, right? You must’ve left the bag out in the car. Let me go and help you with that.”

The tension was escalating rapidly as I wracked my brain for an explanation to give him. He set down his liquor and started slowly walking towards me, backing me into a corner. It looked like he had a kitchen knife tucked in his sleeve.

“You must have done some shopping the other day, too, because I found these,” he revealed the chocolate peanut butter cups from his pocket, “in your nightstand. Now why would someone with a nut allergy buy something like this? Strange, isn’t it.”

My temples started to throb and my palms started to sweat. There wasn’t much distance between me and the wall. 

“...unless, of course, that someone was lying all along. Lying about her allergy. Lying about her whereabouts. Lying about her… commitment.”

Becoming hysterical, I fell against the wall and began to shake.

“I was just- he is just- nothing happened, Calvin, I swear to you!”

“Then prove it, Eris. Eat the peanut butter cups and show me you’re not a liar. I guess if you stop breathing, we’ll know.” 

He peeled the wrapper off of the chocolates, then revealed his weapon and pressed the blade against my forearm as a warning.

“I- I can’t. My throat will close and my tongue will swell and-”

Calvin dug the steel into my skin and pressed his finger to my lips. His eyes were lit up with an excitement I had never seen in him before.

“Eat the goddamn chocolates, Eris.”

Writhing in pain, I tried to resist. He let the pressure off of the knife and gripped my wrists above my head. A stream of blood ran down my arm and pooled on the floor. I clamped my mouth shut and kicked my feet to no avail; he jammed the candies down my throat until I started to choke and see stars.

***

When I was let go, I clenched my hands around my throat, gasping for air. To my amazement, my skin didn’t feel scratchy, and my airways felt clear. So clear, in fact, that I started hyperventilating. I realized two strange people were at my side, trying to comfort me. 

I started screaming bloody murder, “Get off of me! Help, someone, please! I don’t know these people!”

The lady rubbed my back in a calming manner. “Shh, Eris, everything is alright. Can you take some deep breaths for me?”

“How do you know my name? Where’s my boyfriend?” 

I frantically surveyed the room that no longer looked like my home.

“Your husband, hunny. He’s right here. He’s been with you the whole time.”

Once the room stopped spinning, I focused on the man standing next to the lady. It appeared as if he was looking to her for reassurance before he spoke.

“My sweet, it’s me. Calvin. Come back to me.”

I knew that voice and that phrase all too well…  As I more clearly studied his face, it looked like Calvin had aged forty years. He had deep set wrinkles and dark circles, and he was wearing a wedding ring. Examining my own hand, I fell back when I saw a diamond of my own. When I looked over at the lady, she was dressed in scrubs and a nursing cap.

 I shoved past the two of them, hobbling to the dresser mirror a few feet ahead. Staring back at me in the glass was a woman I almost didn’t recognize. Her hair was wispy and white, her eyes were milky and faded, and her skin was so thin that the veins stood out like lines on a map. As I tried to wrap my head around the present, I could hear hushed tones in the background.

“I know it’s scary to see in action, but you’re doing all you can by being here for her. I’ve noticed patients usually come to their senses sooner when their loved ones are present.”

“I just don’t understand where she's getting all these stories from. Not once did I ever lay a hand on her. I protected her at all costs, provided for our family. Why would she make me out to be such a monster?”

Consoling him, the nurse remarked, “The human mind is a powerful, complicated thing- and let me tell you- Dementia is the real monster. Especially as we age, our wires start to wear. In Eris’s case, her wires are short circuiting. This makes it easy to mesh memories together, or even conjure up moments that never happened at all. Say it’s a scene from a movie she saw before.. her brain has the capability to convince her-”

When they realized I was listening, their conversation abruptly came to a stop. The nurse gently approached me, holding out a cane, almost like a peace offering. It had my name engraved on the side. As I reached out for the handle, I saw a faded scar running along my forearm.

“May I take a walk?”

Calvin inched forward.

“No,” I insisted, “Alone.”

The nurse spoke up, “I’m afraid I can’t allow that, but I’ll take you, hunny.”

Arm in arm, we traipsed down the corridors, the nurse struggling to stay consistent with my pace. I didn’t recall the checkered floor tiles, or the various kitchens and lounge rooms, yet the layout of the building was crystal clear. I took a left to the reception desk, secretly hoping a red-haired, sharpie-eyebrowed clerk by the name of Natasha was waiting for me. To my disappointment, it was a young gentleman whom I had never seen before. We kept walking.

When we neared the end of the passageway, I couldn’t stop a smile from forming across my lips. It looked antiquated, placed next to other touch-screen snack dispensers and a K-Cup coffee brewer. I turned to face the nurse, and I convincingly grabbed her wrist. 

“Do you mind if I grab something out of the vending machine?”