The unspoken goodbye

A secret is only a secret when it’s not been told. I have one of the biggest secrets, but so did you. I have kept this to myself for the longest time and it’s eating me up inside, and enough is enough. There have been times where I have wanted to tell you, but the world simply won’t allow that to happen. Maybe you’re not supposed to know, maybe I’m just meant to disappear without a word spoken, like a fragment of your imagination, a nothing, though I know you mean more to me than anything I have ever known. I’ve known you for a while, maybe too long, I can’t just up and leave, I know you wouldn’t let me do that, and I can’t let myself do that to you, you mean more to me than life itself, and I know I’d slowly die inside if I left without a trace.

It just seems that every time I try and utter the words, they either don’t come out right or not at all, or something gets in the way my speech that I have repeated in the mirror hundreds and thousands of times, and disappears into the depths of my fear, my tears remember the sadness, the raw emotion that comes with it, but it’s like the universe is trying to tell me something. I know I have to do this, I need to, I thought I had so many obstacles in my way, but who would have thought that telling you would be the hardest one.

So many things have gone wrong, more things than I can stand to count, nothing is easy in this life no matter what anyone says. People say that change is easy, but no one tells you how difficult it is to make change in your life. I don’t even know why I’m doing this anymore. Well I do, I need this, but when I first started thinking, I had this plan in my head, I hadn’t thought that I would be facing the problems that I am facing now, the moment I tell you is always on my mind, always, and I mean that. It occupies a lot of space in my mind and takes over every waking hour to the point I can’t concentrate. I can’t even escape in my sleep, the amount of times I have woken up in a cold sweat is unreal. See for yourself how much of a disaster my life is and you’ll see why I’m finding it so difficult, put yourself in my shoes and tell me you could just walk away.

The skate park disaster

Our local skate park will always remind me of you, and probably not for the right reasons. I wasn’t even sure I wanted you to come with me because I knew this was going to be the time I tried to say goodbye. I got up at the crack of dawn to the birds singing outside my window. The birds are way too happy to be up this early, it almost annoys me how everything and everyone can be happier than I, things are really looking bleak right now. I saw you stirring still wrapped up in the warmth of the duvet, so peaceful. You think I have no idea what you’ve done, probably because I’m so calm and haven’t said a word.

I forgot to leave some clothes outside of the bedroom, I know I should have planned better, but I can barely think straight let alone organise my life correctly. I silence the alarm that has rung repetitively for the last 20 minutes, the snooze button exhausted from the constant tapping of my fingers, I couldn’t get much sleep either I hope you know that. I tiptoed around trying to find clothes for the day, I almost managed to get out the bedroom door until I made one incorrect step, that let out a sudden creak and disturbed the peacefulness of your slumber. The excitement on your face evident, a smile you could see from a mile away, as you jump out of bed eagerly, looking for the outfit you think will impress me.

I can’t believe I let you sit in the car with me, I could feel the tension in the air, well I could, you just seemed your usual self. The 7 minute journey to the skate park felt like a lifetime, the tension building in my stomach every minute, I felt like I was going to throw up, the breeze from the air conditioning supressing the concoction in my stomach from decorating the seats. I should have had something to eat before I started driving. When do I tell you, it wouldn’t be a great idea to just blurt it out, that’s the easy way out, but I couldn’t bear sitting with you a moment longer once the secret was out. I parked up and took my skateboard out the car and walked over to the skate park, I hadn’t been to the skate park in so long, but now because she’s here I don’t want to be. Well I’m here so I might as well make the most of it, I’ve been so busy with work lately and I don’t ever get enough time to myself. 

The ramps and hills in this skate park were a lot taller than I remembered , this is what happens when you don’t do something for so long, you get out of practice, I don’t ever remember teaching you how to skate, you don’t even like it that much. Maybe it’s good that you’re here, this would be a good time to talk to you about what I’ve been thinking about, but you’re nowhere to be seen, where did you disappear to, this could be the perfect moment, where I could just rip the so called plaster off and get it over with, I wouldn’t even have to take you back home with me, it would be so easy to just walk away. I know this skatepark is big, but it’s not THAT big. From out of nowhere I heard a scream loud enough to shake the earth, to split the atom, my ears almost ringing at the intensity of it. Before I could think I dropped my skateboard and ran to where I thought the noise was coming from. 

I found you laying on the floor, uh oh blood that’s not good, it can’t be that bad? Oh I’m pretty sure an arm is NOT supposed to look like that, I cower at the sight as I try and hold back the nausea that followed, your scream of pain still echoing in my ears, the flesh slightly mangled and bloody. I mean what do I do now, I had just found the courage to confront you, but now is definitely not the time and I would be a jerk to just blurt it out while you’re still in pain and crying. I know what I need to do, I grab my phone out of my pocket and dialled 999.

I could hear the sirens approaching, I knew I was going to have to wave them down as I even struggled to find them entrance to the skate park the first time. I ran to the gate to lead them to you. What happens if you’re really hurt? That’s all I kept thinking about, and I’m still kicking myself about caring as much as I do, it just goes to show that years of good times will always surpass the bad moments. I’m not a bad person, I don’t hate you but my feelings about you have definitely changed, but I’m not a complete monster, I promised that I would follow behind in the car and meet you at the hospital. 

Okay no broken bones that’s good, though the large bandage wrapped around your arm would beg to differ, you flinched as you attempted to put your coat on. I feel saddened by your pain, but not enough to quieten the other voice shouting at me, demanding that I say goodbye, but now is not the time, I think I need to wait a bit longer, give you time to heal, but more importantly give me time to figure out how to say goodbye, I’m trying.... I really am. 

Fire alarm at the office

I had already written my resignation and delivered it to my boss, he wasn’t in the room when I left the letter, but he had called me after he found it and asked if I was sure. I’m not, but I don’t have any other choice, I know I would stay if I could but I couldn’t bear to be in the same place we met after I told you that I didn’t want to be with you anymore. I didn’t tell my boss why I was leaving and made up something about new opportunities, a new start, I didn’t go into too much depth because I knew he’d try and convince me to stay. I loved working here at the office for the past 5 years, I hadn’t achieved everything I wanted but I’m sure I can do that at my new job, I hope the new people I work with are as nice as the ones I know now, I have so many friends here, which I hope will forgive me for what I’m doing. 

Maybe I need a different environment to break it to you, though there can be massive consequences when you try and tell someone something in the workplace, drama. Gossip is everywhere and can travel faster than the speed of light sometimes. We have so many people in our office, too many to know the inner details of our relationship, everyone could know by lunchtime. Discreet is the best way to go, I know I can be discreet, but I didn’t know if you could be. 

I will always remember when we first met 5 years ago, we had started the job on the exact same day. I saw you walk past me, your curly hair slightly blowing in the breeze of the office fan. The tour of the office was enough to distract me but I knew that would only be temporary, I just knew I had to talk to you. I had moved a long way away from home to a completely new city, I didn’t know anyone and was anxious that I wouldn’t make any friends, I didn’t realise how important you would be in my life, but I would have never thought that I would be moving on without you in my life. I used to be so shy around you, my heart used to flutter at the very sound of your name, and it took me the longest time to pluck up the courage to talk to you, who would have thought that I’d ever feel this nervous around you again apart from when I asked you to marry me, I always thought I’d do that one day. 

You and I have sat in the same place for the last 5 years, some of the best few years of my life . Somehow the chatter of the office is always quietened by our chatter, sometimes I couldn’t even hear people calling my name. I’m surprised we got any work done with the amount we used to talk, how we got away with not being called to the the executives office for not completing tasks in a timely manner will always shock me. 

Work hasn’t been the same since I found out what you did, ever since then I can barely look at you, it’s not the same anymore, we don’t talk like we used to, I’m astonished you haven’t picked up on it. I’m still thinking about trying to tell you, and the fact that I can’t bring myself to tell you in any situation is hurting me. Maybe when everyone’s gone to lunch, I just talk, and tell it like it is. 

The office quietened down, looks like everyone went to lunch, I heard some of them talking about a new restaurant that had opened a few minutes walk away, I guess they went there to try the new TGI Friday, the place we went to almost every Friday. I would have gone along with them, as you would have if you knew I was going too, but I purposely packed a lunch so I didn’t have to leave. There were still a few people wondering around the office, they obviously weren’t hungry, though my stomach rumbled and made me question my own loss of appetite for the past few days. We sat quietly for a few moments and I gulped at the anticipation of the words that were about to come out my mouth, I go to speak, my voice raspy. Before I could utter the very words the fire alarm sounded. It rattled through the building, it had startled me. We had to leave our belongings on the desks and make our way out of the building. Every time I try and tell you it just seems like the world is against me. The firefighters came, I thought it was just a false alarm, they made their way into the office, fully dressed with their uniform and breathing apparatus, I hoped no one was hurt? They emerged from the building as quickly as they had entered. Toast, burnt toast, how can something so little cause such a big interruption. I didn’t see you for the rest of the day, maybe you knew what I was trying to tell you, 

The last attempt 

I hope this letter finds you well, I know I just disappeared but this letter will hopefully show you how hard i tried to tell you what was going on in my head. No matter what I just kept getting interrupted, it seemed that the things around me just wouldn’t let me. My world has been shattered and I’m half the person I used to be. I hope that you can understand that I’ve had to do it in this way. 

Good. 

Hey, I just found this piece of paper in the street, it was all crumpled up and some of its missing, the last part is ripped. Someone was trying to say something to someone, It just ends with good, maybe they were trying to say goodbye. I wonder if she ever read it?