First steps back

Her face fell in her hands and she could feel the dry skin of her cheeks and forehead. It hasn't always been so dry. The local weather, her lifestyle or maybe the state of her soul have changed it. Her hands smelled of soap and her eyes rested for a little while finding some comfort hidden from the rest of the world and she became strangely aware of how the eyelid muscles relaxed. A couple of seconds of not thinking, of not feeling the awful loneliness that has been tearing her heart apart.

Kathe was on the way for more than a year. Her savings have almost run out and she still didn't know where to settle down and if she wanted to settle down at all. She looked at the rugged clothes. The three T-shirts, that she kept using over and over, now have lost both their colour and their shape. Her jeans started to fall apart and show her underwear. She could no longer pretend to be a respectful person and wear this jeans. And the starting autumn showed very clearly that she would need a coat. 

She sat by the table in the dark kitchen. The door and one tiny window right above the sink were a negligible source of light, and even on the brightest day the kitchen felt depressive and overbearing. In each corner there was another disaster that threatened to fall onto her and deprive her of the last available air. Kathe stared blankly into the nowhere remembering that her backpack needed to be sewed, her kitchenette wouldn’t work if she didn’t get another gas bomb. Every extra item that appeared in her mind drained more energy from her.

She let her swollen eyes rest against her hands again. Memories from the last night flooded her. Tangible solitude was everywhere. She would have to do something. Clothes. She would leave the house, get some sun and find herself some decent looking clothes. It took several very deliberate movements to stand up: breathe in, move shoulders so that the hands would get vertical against the table, put some weight onto them, and lift herself. She found the keys and her purse among the mess on the table and left.

The wind and sun touched her soul as soon as she was on the street. How easily she always forgot that the world could improve only by getting fresh air and sunlight. The door closed behind her and Kathe took the first step down the main street. She noticed every time how unbalanced the street was, the right side was lined by trees, the left one was almost barren, flooded by sunlight. Kathe opted for the light. She almost always did. The second hand shop that a friend had shown her appeared in front of her almost immediately even though it must have been more than fifteen blocks away. 

Kathe recognized the smell of second-hand shops. It was the same across all the continents. Smell of used clothes carefully washed in a perfumed soap, smell of all the hands that have ever touched the cloth. The hands of people who were trying it on in the original first shop, hands of the first owner who used to wear the clothes on special occasions, hands of their loved ones who hugged them while wearing this piece of clothes, hands of the owner’s sibling who asked to borrow it for one night. Then the hands of the person who received it from them, who shipped it across the world, the shop owner who carefully selected it and put it on the hangers in this very place. 

Second hand shops were her mom’s second home. She would never buy brand new clothes. For her they had no personality and made everyone on the streets look the same. Her mom could spend hours and hours in second-hand shops searching for the hidden gems that would rightly convey her style. She always seemed so happy when she arrived home and gave her kids the clothes that she had chosen for them and then she would show what she chose for herself and she would brag about how little they cost. Kathe smiled a timid smile when she saw all the hangers and all the different colours.

She walked towards the rags where they had coats and took them into her hands one by one examining the material, colour and size. She ran her fingers across all of them until she could settle on three possible candidates. At the very back of the shop, behind all the jeans, sweaters, skirts and T-shirts, always organized depending on the colour, there was a shabby mirror full of stains of old age reflecting a distorted image. 

The last coat she tried on was just about perfect. She knew it would be. The material was tough and heavy but it didn't obstruct any movement, and it was about half a size bigger so she could wear as many sweaters as she needed. Moreover, it was black so the marks from the travel wouldn't be so visible. 400 pesos. Fair enough. As soon as she paid, she put the coat on again even though the weather didn’t require it and walking down the street she felt like a character in a new movie.

The purchase didn't bring happiness but Kathe started to feel more composed. Ready to confront the world and wake her soul up. The day was lovely and she could perceive all the green that surrounded her now that she was crossing the neighbourhood park. It was too tempting not to lie on the grass and watch the branches of the trees move in the breeze and the clouds slowly advance on their journey across the sky. 

Her mind started running free unleashed. The last time she lied on the grass in a park was with Fabian. What a lovely boy. They always laughed, he didn’t like to be serious. And he always wore sunglasses. She remembered how fond of him she was and who knows maybe if she hadn't insisted on getting to know the world, something could have happened between them. 

She put her hands into the pockets and felt a folded paper that she had previously mistaken for a misplaced price tag. Kathe hesitated a little bit before unfolding just to savour a bit more the mystery of someone's writing that suddenly have found its way into her hands. 

De día viviré pensando en tus sonrisas

De noche las estrellas me acompaňarán

Serás como una luz que alumbre mi camino

Me voy pero te juro que maňana volveré

“You will be the light that will illuminate my way

I'm leaving but I swear that I will return tomorrow”

She had heard this song before and recognized the lyrics immediately. She played this song to Fabian on their last night. Her head got filled with memories and with the melody. She had said the same words to him when her journey began, she promised to be back. She promised to be back several times. The clouds kept passing slowly above her head and suddenly the world was very clear. She couldn’t be staying in this place any longer. Last night, her friend showed her clearly that their friendship wasn’t important. There was nothing to be saved here. It was time to get serious and finish the journey. The next steps on her journey, will be the first steps leading back home.

Kathe sat up and took out a pen from her purse, and on the other side of the lyrics she started one of her favourite To Do lists - sew my jeans, sew my backpack, buy a scarf and hat because the last destination was in the deepest south of Chile. She paused for a bit and then added to her list - cut my hair. The promised tomorrow has come. It was time to pull herself together, the lights of her beloved ones will guide her to finish the journey and then she will be free to go back.