THE WORLD INSIDE MY HEAD

THE WORLD INSIDE MY HEAD 

There were many scars littered on my body, caving rivers into my skin.  However, the ones that people didn’t notice were those inside. Most of them were still open wounds, bleeding and demanding to be felt. Demanding to be cared for. As always, I ignored them. I didn’t have time for them. It wasn’t unusual for me and Silas to sneak into the school library unnoticed. Most people didn’t look twice at us. The librarian didn’t even check every dark corner before she locked us into the spacious room. It smelled of dark wood and old books. Of course, I didn’t smell the inviting aroma, because I was tightly pressed into Silas, who had smelled of cigarette odor since I met him. I wrinkled my nose at him. I always hated it, but Silas was the only friend I had here. Most people didn’t like different and as hard as I tried not to be, I was. They didn’t speak my language and they didn’t understand me. Since forever I adored the language they spoke, learning bits by bits between my lessons and soon became fluent in it. My name gave away that I was foreign, giving my classmates something to talk about. 

The moment Silas and I were sure the coast was clear, we glided out of the shadows, somehow not even looking different than them. Silas made a beeline toward the desks, sitting down and pulling a lighter out of his pocket. I hissed at him, shaking my head. Fire around books wasn’t a smart move, but as expected, Silas didn’t listen to me. He only sent a wink my way and pulled out a cigarette, lighting it. I knew I should have been thankful, because we were here because of me, but I hated to think that the odor of the cigarettes would stick to the fascinating books. There had been a tale about a forein book in this library, since I came here, but I never found it. It was supposed to hold a hefty secret. It was even more exciting, because I was the only one who could understand it.

“Are you sure it’s here? You have looked through every bookshelf by now.” Silas complained, dragging his voice out. I quickly turned around to look at him. He had draped himself over the desk, looking like a muse from one of his tarot cards.

“Not every bookshelf.” My whisper was carried to him, slowly and carefully. I didn’t want to be too loud for two reasons. One, I didn’t want the librarian coming back and two, I held some respect for the masterpieces written on the shelves.

I walked toward the librarian's desk and carefully started moving things around. Silas sighed from where he’d been and audibly dropped his feet to the floor. He dropped the cigarette through the open window and started walking towards where I was. 

“Move. We’re not going to get anywhere with you trying to be cautious. She’s going to find out the book is missing either way.” Silas pushed aside some of her things, knocking them to the floor. I moved out of the way, with a hand to my mouth to suppress a gasp. She was sure going to come and catch us. The slight banging pain I always felt in the middle of my chest magnified. My hand flew to my chest and I slowly pressed down, hoping for it to disappear. It always came when I was feeling too much. One time I had to go to the infirmary because of it. Silas knocked more books out of the way, revealing a dark black box. He looked up at me from his crouching position. A never-before-seen smile appeared on his face for a moment.

“You can thank me later.” He pulled the box and placed it on the table. We shared a short look. I wasn’t sure what it meant, but there was something in his eyes that told me he was just as excited about this as I was. “Go on.”

I reached my hands toward the lid, lifting it up. Inside was a book that seemed more simple than the other ones in the library. All of them were dark brown, black or blue with golden imbroidings and perfectly retained, but this one was chipped at the edges and had stains on it. It had an image of a running girl on it. I opened it. 

Silas didn’t take his eyes from me nor the book while I skimmed over the words. 

“Does it say anything about your people? Is it a fairytale or a philosophy book?”

I shook my head slowly. I wasn’t sure I read it right. “No. It’s about you.”

“About me?” 

“About your people.”

“What about my people?” He took the book from me, trying to read whatever was written in it. But he couldn’t understand. His forehead scrunched up and his eyebrows pulled together. “What does laz mean? And this word glava? What about sanja?”

“It’s . . . It’s a fairytale.” I worded that out too quickly. He looked up abruptly, but didn’t sense my lie. The pain in my chest grew bigger and darker.

“Oh.” He dropped the book from his face, handing it back to me. I gripped it tightly and hid it under my school cloak. 

A noise from the door, warned us of the librarian coming back. Silas and I shared a wide eyed look. He often tried to seem like the big bad guy, but he was just as afraid as me from being found. I pointed him toward the window while I pulled up the hood of my coak. I was good at blending into the shadows, but Silas was too twitchy. He didn’t need to be told twice. He nodded and rushed out the window, giving me one last look before he disappeared. The librarian stepped into the library, just to see his cloak in the wind outside. She let out a low grumble. I pressed my back into a bookshelf, calming down my breathing.

“Damn kids. They’ll see what I can do.” She closed back the door, locking them and checking twice. She didn’t even look into the direction of her wrecked desk. I needed to clean that before I left. I wasn’t particularly good at climbing through the window and that meant I was going to be here until the morning. The full moon was high on the sky, lighting the room for me. 

I opened the book again. There was a reason I didn’t want Silas to know what was in it. The book knew my name. It knew everything about me, but it looked like it was written a long time ago and passed through many hands. The book said it was a lie. It said that whatever Silas and the others telling me were lies. A line in it said that everything was in my head. It was underlined. The wind grew louder outside, causing me to look up to the window. A tear dropped to the page of the book. I didn’t even notice that I was crying. My hands quickly wiped away any salty tear left on my face. I slid down the bookshelf, sitting with my back to it. The book explained the scars. The scars that appeared overnight, waiting for me to notice them in the morning. I looked down at the scars on my arms, tracing one with my finger. Apparently, more appeared the longer I stayed in this world. The longer I stayed in this world, the deeper they got. And the longer I stayed in this world, the worse the pain in my chest got. The body of the me in whose head I was stuck was slowly dying. 

It wasn’t real. Silas, the librarian, the giggling girls, the library. None of this was real. A choked sob escaped my mouth, but I covered it with my hand, trying to quiet it down. I spoke a different language, because I wasn’t from this world. I had a different name, because I wasn’t from this world. Why did I want to come here? How bad could have my life been if I wanted to escape into this world?

The morning came quicker than I wanted. The sun came up and I lowered myself into the shadows again. I was quietly hiccuping from my sobbing. My hood covered my unusual hair and my tear stained face. I was sure Silas was going to come as soon as he could have and I wasn’t mistaken. I felt a light hand on my knee that was too gentle to be his, but it was. I looked up at him, noticing the concern in his face. Of course, Silas thought we found a fairytale in that box. He didn’t expect to see me sobbing over something like that. I jumped away from his touch. If all of this was in my head, shouldn’t he just disappear if I wanted him to? But he didn’t. He was there, kneeling beside me in his own dark cloak. 

“What happened?” He asked softly. Silas wasn’t usually soft. I noticed that he changed. His features made him seem like I was looking at him through a window. I blinked the tears away and he was again, a clear vision in my eyes. I quickly stood up. My head spun from the speed. Silas grabbed my hand. They fit perfectly. Or was I just imagining it, because I made this whole thing up. The book stated that nothing around me was real but myself. I took a step back from Silas. He seemed hurt.

“I’m okay.” Clearly, he didn’t believe this lie. If I made him up in my head, maybe I made him react the way he always reacted. Maybe I was really the one who carved his jaw in perfection and made those eyes so brown. Maybe I was alone. I pulled the book from under my coat and his hand immediately grabbed it.

“Is this it? You said it was just a dumb fairytale.”

“I didn’t say it was dumb.” I muttered while brushing a few of my hairs from my eyes with the back of my hand.

“You said it was a fairytale.”

I was getting irritated by his constant digging. I harshly pulled the book back to me with a glare. “Well, maybe I lied.”

A huff left his mouth. I took a step back and started walking away from him. Silas wasn’t one to walk away from. He caught my wrist and pulled down my hood. My hair fell down and uncovered my face. He probably noticed a new scar by my cheek, but he didn’t let go of my wrist. We locked eyes.

“You need to tell me what it is. You’re not usually like this. What does the book say? You can trust me.” He added the last part, his eyes growing glossy. I bit my tongue, staring at his eyes, trying to see if I really can trust him. He couldn’t help me find a way out. He’s a fiction of my imagination. I needed to remind myself that all of this was in my head. I just needed to find a way out of it.

“Can I?” I asked with a scoff and tugged my wrist out of his hold. I knew I was too harsh on him. It wasn’t his fault. But did he even have feelings? Sure, Silas always acted like he didn’t, but what if I was wrong. What if the book was wrong?

I went to my dorm. It wasn’t much. Just a four poster bed and a small wardrobe. In the small wardrobe I only had my back up uniform and a coat for the colder days. 

I dropped the book on my bed and took off my cloak. The clock above my bed was striking ten, telling me it was already time for breakfast. If I didn’t get down in exactly one minute, the cook was going to run out of food like she did every monday. Before I could say no to my grumbling stomach, my feet had already carried me out of my room. The kitchen wasn’t far from my dorm, which was an advantage of having a dorm on the lower level. I devoured my food quickly, eager to get back into my dorm and figure out what to do with what I found out. The girls around me watched me while they giggled into their hands. I learned to ignore them, but it still bugged me when I felt their gazes burning into my back. If this was all in my head, why would I want some silly girls to laugh at me? I ran back to my room when I could, ready to grab my school bag and the book. When I got back into my room, Silas was there, playing with his lighter and holding my book. I slowly closed the door behind me. 

“You’re back.” He stated, lighting the lighter again, causing the flame to appear. I took a step forward.

“What are you doing?” My voice wavered, revealing that I was nervous. He couldn’t burn the book. There was still a chapter that I hadn’t read. The chapter that would tell me how I would get back.

“The words are confusing. I tried to understand it, but I couldn’t recognise any words.” He finally looked at me. He turned the lighter off. “Tell me what is in the book.”

I shook my head slowly, my eyes stuck on the book. “I can’t.”

“Please.”

“You wouldn’t even believe me if I told you.”

He leaned forward, his eyes the same as they were in the library. “You’re my best friend. Of course I will believe you.”

I walked over to the bed and sat down on the squeaky mattress. He handed the book back to me. A wave of cigarette scent hit me. The shirt of his uniform was untucked and his cloak was discharged on the floor.  

“I wasn’t going to burn it. I wouldn’t. I just need you to tell me the truth. Like we always tell each other.” The tone in his voice was pleading and urgent.

I shook my head. “It isn’t real.”

“What isn’t? The book?” A crinkle formed in his forehead and his eyes thinned.

“No. This world. It isn’t real. The book says I made it up. It says I made all of this up. You, the library, the school. Everything.”

“What?” 

“The book knows everything about me. It says this is all in my mind.”

“But it looks so old.”

“You don’t believe me.” I exhaled. Silas’ head snapped to me. He shook his head.

“No. No. I do believe you, I just don’t understand. It feels so real.”

“I know.” I nodded. My eyes shifted to the book, observing the cover. “The last chapter tells me how I get back home.”

“Home.” He whispered under his breath. He believed me. But now, I wasn’t sure I wanted to go back home. Silas has always been there for me. If I was in some made up world, I surely wanted to be here. And maybe Silas is my home. He had to be here for a reason. I wanted this. And it didn’t matter that the longer I was here, the less time I had in the real world. I liked it here.

“Home.” I echoed back the word to him. He was my best friend and did everything with me. What if the world I really was from, isn’t like this? What if in that world I had nothing? What if in the real world, I don’t have someone like Silas? I grabbed his hand, causing him to look up. Silas smiled sadly back at me. 

“I will help you.”

I shook my head and slipped my hand from his. His smile fell. I reached for his other hand and took his lighter. I turned on the lighter and brought the flame to the pages of the book. 

“Wait.” I didn’t stop at his voice. I let the book catch fire and dropped it to the floor. We watched the fire consume the book. “Why did you do that?”

“I don’t want to go. You’re my home, Silas.”