Not Quite New

I gripped the wheel tighter and stole a glance at Robert sitting in the passenger side. He was stone-faced and dressed up for our Valentine’s Day dinner, looking obligatorily handsome. I supposed that’s where the attraction to him now ended. I could still see the weary, mean lines around his eyes and mouth that hadn’t been there when our relationship was new, probably caused by angry words, indulgent drinking; or, it was just my eyes opening to all of his bad habits over the years. He stared blankly through the windshield as the rain beat in rhythmic synchronization to the wipers. I couldn’t guess what he was thinking and I suppose it didn’t really matter. It could be nothing at all, knowing him.

The inklings of doubt began blotting my psyche as though this windshield did nothing to stop the soggy onslaught. I could feel the darkness choking me, knowing how hopeless this relationship had become and wondered why we were still trying. Robert mentioned something about the weather and I barely heard him, barely cared about anything he would be saying一 muttering a sweet nothing in return. All while charading our small talk and staring out from the strangling darkness of my mind, I had to ask myself: what happened to us?

When we first met, Robert was an energetic sporty type. Not my type in the least, but I couldn’t help falling regardless. He was tall, strong, persistent and kind; winning me over with his smile and quick wit. On top of it all, he was so classically handsome and charming一 a real knight in shining armor. My heart softened at the memories. I would be lying to say I had deserved him then. In the beginning it was innocent. I was everything he needed me to be; love burst like flames between us and electricity shot through my veins every time our eyes met. It felt like a fairytale, and he was the prince I had been waiting for.

But months turned into years and the love we shared started to chip away; replaced with the negativity that flowers under lies, criticisms, and disagreements.

Just tonight we argued over this date. Robert had too much to say about my getting ready, as usual. He was always the first to blame me for being late to anything before we arrived there, on time. He thought making a reservation was thoughtful enough for Valentine’s Day and felt I wasn’t showing him the same mindfulness in return. I had to ask if he thought I enjoyed wearing tight underwear, steep heels, and a pound of makeup. The argument made me rethink a card I had snuck into my purse, one with a sweet note I wanted to give as a thank you for planning our dinner. I wondered if he felt the screws of decay tightening around our relationship too.

I remembered the flowers he used to bring home to me, always my favorite. I’d save them in a vase for weeks, prolonging their lifespan the best I could; but, decay always came eventually...

Coming back to the noise inside the cab of our Fiesta, I stole another glance at him. This time he was looking more defeated and less aloof. If there was one thing I could not say, it was that I hated him, or that he never tried. Sometimes in a fury these accusations would cross my mind; never amounting to anything or proving true in any way. It was just the coals of our love flashing hot in anger, but if anyone knew how to rake me over them... it was Robert.

With a sigh, I let the rest of my pride escape through deflated lungs. Tonight would be the night. If he could try, I could try, and just maybe we would remember what brought us together in the first place. This wasn’t a one-sided destruction that had happened recently, I did my share in the bridge-burning and it would take two to put it back together again.

I pulled into a parking space in the shadow of Occoquan’s underpass. This was the closest spot we could find to Bella’s Restaurant. We exited the vehicle and connected around the back. Putting my arm through his, we headed toward the massive lighted building overlooking the Occoquan River. Heels clicking in the darkness and my dress swaying against my upper thighs, I hoped the night would bring emotion to its inevitable conclusion. It seems to be the fate of all long-term relationships that there is a rut. A seemingly impassable obstacle that is actually quite passable with a little effort.

I looked up at him and smiled my first peace offering. It became a genuine smile of excitement and he returned it, going on to say, “You know there’s going to be live music tonight. We had never been to a wine tasting, and these are private tickets so it shouldn’t be too crowded. Maybe we’ll get a quiet corner to ourselves. I’m just happy to be spending some time alone with you. It seems like we never get out to do anything anymore一 not where we dress up and go somewhere. I love spending time watching TV with you but it’s...not this and Valentine’s Day was the perfect excuse to go all out.” His eyes softened with hope and for a moment I could see the man I fell for so long ago.

His babbling seemed less annoying and more adorable than usual. I could tell he really did try for tonight. “I agree, this is overdue. I miss going out with you too. Live music is a nice touch. Don’t they usually have dueling pianos here?”

“Yes. Though I’m not sure if that’s tonight.” He frowned and held the door to Bella’s open. We walked into the entry and were met with stairs to the second level, a hostess desk to the immediate left, and past that was the bar and live music. Robert went up to the hostess and told her about our reservation. She directed us up the stairs to where the private wine tasting was being held. Having been to this restaurant before, but never having gone up the stairs, we hurried along the steps with the promise of a new experience.

Once upstairs we met a hostess, who was actually the owner. She pointed us to the coat rack down the hall, then led us up a short three steps to a dining level with tables set in each corner, draped in white cloth, set for dinner and several glasses of wine, with candles burning in the dim lighting. She gave us each a chocolate martini at the wine bar, then directed us to our private table in the back corner by windows that looked out onto the river. Robert and I exchanged a surprised glance. This was the fanciest event we had been to yet.

“This is fancier than the time we stayed at that castle hotel,” I whispered, leaning my face closer to him so as to not be overheard by the three other couples dispersed around the room.

“But the castle was more fun, I think.” He winked and leaned closer behind me, “That four-poster bed, would you say that was a king or queen?” He laughed, tightening his arm around my waist. It was nice.

“Ha-ha, very funny. It was great dancing together though. Do you think we can dance tonight? After supper, I mean.”

“If you can still walk after all that wine” He nodded toward the glasses, “I will gladly dance with you downstairs.” His mouth turned up on one side. “I mean there are five glasses for each of us, and I’m driving...you haven’t had a drink in a while.”

I squinted at his insinuation. “Ye of little faith. Don’t underestimate my desire to dance.”

He held his hands up in mock defense as the waiter brought around the first course, it was a crispy shrimp and potato chip with salsa and avocado, they paired it with a pinot grigio and a cabernet.

Lately, we would drink wine just to facilitate our conversation but it was coming so easy tonight, it didn’t seem necessary, and here we were at a wine tasting.

I looked across the intimately set table at the man I had known for years now. Happiness, excitement, or a mix of both made him look younger. Like all those years had not passed between us. As a memory, or as the love that had always resided in me, I looked at him in the rosy hue of our first meeting. Every failure and disappointment of the past subsided, it was Robert, my knight in shining armor, and the man I was in love with.

We drank, ate, and flirted like it was all new. As the night moved along and dinner concluded, we made our way albeit a little staggered down to the bar where the live music played. There we danced together, and it felt like the beginnings of something not quite new, but wholly invigorated.