Alive

There was a smell in the art gallery, so we decided to spray Febreeze, which helped for a three hours, but then the smell came back. See, other things in our gallery were starting to be weird, too. Like, the nudes. The nipples on the one nude started to droop down, just a little each year, but we artists measure and notice these things. And, white hairs started appearing in the hair and there was that smell. See, we're a hybrid museum; we carry all kinds of art. We have still figures like apples, oranges, and other fruit, we have nudes, we have woodcarvings, we have sculptures. Hell, we got everything. If it's art you're looking for, come here.  

But, the smell. See, we had people in charge of maintanence come and check for mildew and mold, but there was no mildew or mold. So, what the hell's causing the smell? The janitors religiously sweep and mop the floors daily, clean the restrooms, empty the trash, sometimes spray Febreeze, but the smell lingers back and gets worse, day after day, and the paintings, scultures, etc. keep metamorphasizing, or maybe that's inaccurate; they age and smell worse. Art scholars can do things like scrape new art to see what the original art was underneath, but don't know if they could help with this. Maybe? Right, call in Ghostbusters, but it isn't ghosts, it's aging spirits in paintings. Weird. But, does that mean the imaginary figures are aging or are the painters aging and transferring it to the paintings? Or are they just tired of sitting there doing the same thing, day after day, week after week, month after month? But, they're inanimate, so that doesn't make sense either. I've heard of canvases getting old, even old books getting insects, but not of figures in paintings. At least not on planet, Earth. So, who to call for help? That's the $64,000.00 Question. The press'll think we've lost our mind. We could call a medium, but this might not fall into their realm. So, we called in art theft investigators and HVAC techinicians. Hell, maybe there's a dead rat in our walls that's fucking around with our paintings. Makes more sense than anything else I can come up with.

So, they check the walls, the pest control, not the HVAC, though I'm sure they will too. They smell the stench, but it doesn't smell like pests or pest's shit or piss that they're used to. Great. But, they check the walls, set up glue traps, and set up bait with poison in it. Typical. But they don't find any pests. They check gaps in places and there's nothing. Hell, there's not even fecal matter from pests, so they doubt this is the problem, but call them back in two weeks if anything's in the traps or the smell gets worse. Great. For $400.00, I know nothing. So, we try the HVAC people. They come, use their tools to get into the HVAC system, check the fan and unit outside and everything seems to look perfect. Perfect​? I ask. Then what the fuck is that terrible smell in the air? They say they don't know, but it's not from the heating, ventilation, or air conditioning. Great. I just need an exorcist now, right? I pay the bastards for their time and think about who else to call. Stanley Steamer, a cleaning company, a medium/psychic, or who? Who? Or we could just throw away these priceless pieces of art and get new ones, right? Right. The insurance company'll pay for that in a billion years. So, for shits and giggles, I call up our insurance company to see if there are suggestions they have. I explain the situation and they ask two questions: “Is this a practical joke?” and “Are you high or drunk right now?” Great. If they were still in business, I could call The Weekly World News to figure it out, right? But the online reviews are starting, which is just what we need: “Really enjoyed the beautiful art work. Once in a lifetime opportunity. People were kind. Bathrooms clean. Oh, yeah, the paintings are slowly aging and smell like shit.” Could you even imagine? Right? Or we could get on The Discovery Channel or on Fact or Faked or Mythbusters? Right. Damn it. All we want is for our paitings to stop aging and for this fucking stench to go away.  

So, after much thought, we wind up looking at the security footage, which is twenty-four hours, 'cause why the fuck not, right? And I discover, the paintings, drawings, sculptures, etc. are coming to life at night, but they're not doing anything, or at least nothing bad. They're just in real time and getting old. The plastic fruit rot, the figures age, just like in life. But it's bad for business. Son-of-a-bitch it's bad for business. But, maybe . . . 

So, I call them and tell them what I have and believe it or not, the sons-of-bitches are interested in this shit, but they'll have to send an investigator to assure they aren't wasting their time or resources. Sure. Hell, why not? If the fucking investigator can fix my problem, or hell, even put me on TV to keep this place afloat, I'll take it.

So, they come, look at the footage, but they explain technology can be fucked around with, like in Hollywood where they can make fake people in the background of a scene. So, I let him. Why not? I just want to make money and get rid of this goddamn stench. So, he sets up his cameras in specific places and says he can see them from his computer at home. Suits me.  

I don't sleep well that night. I'm worried about the bills of my business and what's going to happen if this place turns into a freak sideshow. But, they aren't freaks. They're beautiful pieces of art getting older. Maybe they're soiling themselves. Doesn't make sense since they're paintings. Or remember the poisoned paint in England? Maybe I got life producing paint in these paintings. Or magical fairy dust?

The guy from the show comes back the next day and his eyes are dreary. He says it's true, so we can get on his show. He'll need to interview me, my employees, and my customers and I agree, but ask about the compensation will be. He explains how their network works and I'm happy with it.  

So, he goes to each of our employees and asks when they started noticing the paintings again and if the aroma started at the same time or not. He asks the employees who or what they think is causing this. One tourist shows old pictures of the paintings and the interviewer loves this since it's evidencial.  

We ask when the show'll air, on what channel, if everyone will be in the credits, the usual shit people ask when they realize they'll be on TV, but he asks us if any of us are members of SAG, AFTRA, or the IATSE and nobody is.  

We all tune in on the night of the airing and it's impressive, but we realize people watch different shows and maybe no one'll care about us being on this show. Eh, who gives a fuck? As long as the checks keep coming in and we can keep our doors open. Who cares?