He Said, She Said

“What the hell is wrong with you?”

“What’s wrong with me? How about what’s wrong with you?”

“You’re the one slamming doors and banging pots and pans. If you don’t want to make dinner, don’t do it. But stop with the theatrics.”

“Theatrics! Theatrics! That’s what you think this is. This is not theatrics. This is pissed off.”

“Well, if you're pissed off, and it somehow relates to me, then I guess it would be more productive to tell me why you're pissed off rather than slamming and banging things. But that’s just me.”

“You are so condescending. It must be great to walk in your shoes. Thinking you know how to do and act perfectly in every situation. As long as you believe it, you don’t even consider that all of us mere mortals know you are full of it.”

“Full of what?”

“Full of you know what! You think because you never raise your voice, or break down and cry, or show any emotion, that you are somehow better than me. That because I have emotions, and am willing to show them, and experience them, that somehow makes me less than you. Well, the truth is, that makes you sick. There is something wrong with you, Richard. Stop hiding.”

“Oh, I see. Because I don’t freak out and lose control, there is something wrong with me.”

“Yeah, Richard. It’s not normal. Human beings have emotions. They feel things. They react to things that happen to them. You don’t react to anything. Do you ever stop to consider why you work so hard to be in control”

“Okay Tabitha! So let me get this straight. You are pissed off because you have figured out that I am not a human being. Did I get this right?”

“Oh my gosh! Are you fricking kidding me?”

“That is what you said. Human beings have feelings and emotions, and they lose control. I don’t lose control. Ergo, I am not a human being.”

“ERGO! Please tell me one time in your life that someone other than you, used that word in a conversation?”

“I’m sorry. Do you find that word offensive? Or did I misuse it?”

“No! You used it the way you always use words. Not to talk with people but to make yourself believe you are better than other people. You use words to dominate and control people. You use words as a weapon. Actually, now that I think about it, you use words instead of slamming doors and banging pots and pans. You think you are so much better than everyone else, but you do the same things with words. You twist and turn everyone into a frenzy with your fancy words and then sit back and act like you are so confused by their inability to communicate as well as you can.”

“I see. I do this to everyone. Everyone! So in every conversation, I do this word thing to confuse everyone.”

“You are doing it now. In everything I just said, you picked out the one word that you could use to prove me wrong. Because I said ‘everyone’, and obviously, you don’t do it to every single person every time, that somehow invalidates everything I was saying. You are sick! Or I guess I should say you are broken.”

“So let me get this straight. You are pissed off. You don’t want to tell me why you are pissed off. But you do want to tell me that the way I communicate is a problem. And because your argument doesn’t hold water, I am sick? Did I get it all right?”

“Yep. You got it all right? You always do. If I ever have a question about who is right, you are there to ensure I know it’s you. Thank you so much.”

“Listen, I want to understand what is going on here, but for the life of me, I am having trouble following where you are going with all this. If I have done something that has upset you, please tell me. If you are mad at someone else and want to talk about it, please tell me. If you are just having a bad day, please, just tell me. I read books, I read articles, I even read social media posts, but the one thing I don’t read is minds. So if you want me to know what is on your mind, you are going to have to tell me, because I cannot read it.”

“Oh, you want to understand? You want to know why I am pissed off? Well, I’ll tell you. I am pissed of because we have been married for fifteen years, and I love you with all that I am, but you won’t let me in to your life. You hide all your pain, and hurt. You pretend that everything is always okay. You are dying inside and you won’t tell me what’s going on in your head and your heart. Our marriage is dying because you can’t or won’t deal with anything that hurts you. Our kids are suffering because you won’t let them deal with their pain openly. I can’t do it all Richard. I can’t be the only one who is real in this relationship.”

“I don’t know what you are talking about.”

“Really? Than tell me about the box.”

“What box?”

“Don’t, Richard. You know exactly what box. The box in your office. Remember? The one with the mysteriously missing key. The one that you said has all your old baseball cards from when you were a kid. The one you said you were waiting to break open until our kids grow up when the cards will be worth so much more. That box!”

“What about it?”

“Where are you going Richard? Are you by any chance going to see if I found this key?”

“How dare you? That is none of your business. Those are my personal memories?”

“No Honey. That’s where your are wrong. Those are now both of ours. I read them all. Are you ready to talk about it?”

“I..I…I can’t”

“Come here. Sit with me. Talk to me. Use all of those words you have saved up. I love you. I don’t understand exactly what I read. But I know I love you and I want to know everything. I want to hold you while you tell me all about it. Who was he?”

“I don’t know how to do this?”

“Just start at the beginning. Tell me about Michael.”

“He was my best friend.”

“What happened?”

“HE DIED!!!! THAT’S WHAT HAPPENED!!!!”

“You do know how to do this. Tell me about it. Yell. Scream. Give it all to me. I want it Richard. I want all of it. Tell me what happened. I can take whatever you have to give me.”

“I KILLED HIM!!!”

“Okay…. shhhh…..okay. Let it out. It’s okay. It’s okay to cry. I am so sorry. I can’t imagine how hard it must have been to hold that in all these years. It’s okay Honey.”

“Di..did you he..hear m..m..me? I k.i.l.l.e.d him?”

“I heard you Sweetheart. Tell me what happened. Tell me everything?”

“What’s there to say. He’s dead. I’m not. I get to live the rest of my life with it.”

“How did it happen?”

“It was the Fourth of July. Every year his parents threw a big party. We had a barbecue. We were playing in their pool. We all took turns jumping off the diving board, catching balls the others threw. I threw one to him as began to jump. It was too high and he leaned to back to reach for it. He hit the back of his head on the diving board. When he fell into the water, he wasn’t moving at all. Somebody pulled him out of the water. He wasn’t breathing. Everyone was there. His dad did CPR. He got him breathing. The ambulance came and took him away. He was gone by the time we all got to the hospital.”

“Oh Honey.”

“NO! Let go of me!”

“Shhhh. I am so sorry. Don’t pull away from me. Let it out. It’s okay.”

“It’s not okay. It will never be okay. I can’t be okay.”

“I know it feels like that. It is terrible—a horrible accident. I can’t imagine what it has been like for you to carry that all these years. The pain of losing him might never go away, but you are going to be okay. We are going to be okay. And I will carry it with you. Hell, I will carry you if I have to.”

“You can’t carry it. You didn’t kill him. I DID!”

“No, you didn’t. You have hidden your emotions behind your words for so long that the words have lost their meaning. Tell me again what happened. But this time, listen to your own words. I heard everything I needed to hear when you told me. The problem is you didn’t hear it yourself.”

“What did I not hear?”

“The most important thing in all you said.”

“What’s that?”

“The truth.”