The Crumpled Paper

New Year’s Resolution: Falling out of love with James Julians.

I almost laugh when I look down at the writing—my writing—on the crumpled paper that has been languishing under my bed for months. I never believed in resolution; I think it's just a myth made by pathetic people so they won't lose their way in the coming New Year. I always laugh at my sister, Mallory, who likes to write her resolutions on beautiful papers and decorate them like she is going to submit it for a competition. Then, the paper will be stuck to mirrors, walls, or refrigerators (I'm sure she will stick it on her nose if she can) which she believes can motivate her to do everything on the list. Me? I don't need things like that. I always knew what I wanted and it would languish in my brain like a tapeworm on a human body.

Until I meet James Julians.

I met James in our kitchen which was extremely clean (my Mom is a crazy cleaning). It was one of the hottest days of the summer and I took out the plastic swimming pool that Dad bought us when Mallory and I were in elementary school and put it in the backyard and filled it with water. I spent hours soaking in cold water in a bikini while reading a Sidney Sheldon’s book, drinking cold lemonade, and pretending I was in Hawaii. To be honest, my whole body was wrinkled when I finally came out of the pool, dried my body with an abnormally large beach towel, and walked into the house.

Suddenly my eyes met with a pair of strange blue eyes that widened to see me wrapped in my bikini, coming out of nowhere. I also was surprised to find a fine boy sitting in my kitchen, with a glass of lemonade in front of him, and just from a glance, I knew he was not from my neighborhood. None of my neighbors are that hot.

Mallory suddenly appeared from nowhere and with a big smile, she said, "James, meet my sister, Charlie. And Charlie, this is James, my boyfriend."

And that, my friend, is the reason why the wrinkled paper that inhabits under my mattress can be born into this world.

See, the problem is, I'm not much interested in species called humans. I care about my family though, koalas and kangaroos that have lost their homes, oppressed women, homeless children, you can name it one by one. But I'm not that type of caring girl—I don't like starting conversations with strangers, I hate doing things that most girls my age do, and my standards are high for guys. At least, he has to be Timothѐe Chalamet if he wants to date me—or similar.

But once James Jullians came, he turned my life upside down. God, he doesn't even look like Timothѐe Chalamet. His hair is sandy blond, not curly, with a pair of thick eyebrows shading his bright blue eyes. His lips are too full, but I won't complain. His appearance was probably number 2 because there was something inside him that made me ... I don't know, triggered. I don't know if I'm angry or impressed with it.

There were some men who Mallory introduced as her boyfriend. Peter the Baseball Star, Hans the German who looks like he just jumped out of a magazine, and Will the Smart and Sweet Guy. They certainly differed from one another, but they had one thing in common—they never bothered me. They saw me as 'the Quiet Mallory’s Sister'. They were quite polite to me, but that was all. Well, James Julians is something else; he came into my room one day and sat on the roof of my house while I was smoking alone. I almost rolled down when he grinned next to me.

He held out his hand, asking for my cigarette.

"Do you smoke?" I asked.

"Sometimes." he put the cigarette between his lips and sucked it slowly. I watched the smoke coming from his mouth and nose.

"Where is Mall?"

"She’s going to the convenience store; we will eat ramen while watching a movie."

"Five Feet Apart?"

James chuckled, and immediately I knew that my guess was right.

There was a quiet pause after that, and I used it to pay attention to the dark sky.

"Join us," he muttered.

"I don't like to destroy people's plan."

"Destroy?" he laughed. "Such a unique reason, but not good enough."

I just sighed.

"Mallory told me a lot about you." James returned the cigarette to me.

"Is that what caused you to come up here?" I turned to him. "To prove it yourself?"

He laughed again. "How can you think that?"

I shrugged.

"I am dating Mallory. I love your sister, and I love what your sister loves. I'm here because I want to meet you directly, because I'm not just Mallory’s boyfriend, but I also want to be your friend, and someone your parents can trust.”

I gaped at that. No one has ever said that to me. Those are words that only come out of novels, but even, I have never read anything like that in a novel. My mouth surely must have been open with excitement because James chuckled and with his index finger, he gently pushed my chin up so that my mouth closed again.

He might not be Timothѐe Chalamet but he is definitely one of those rare humans that fascinated me.

After that, James changes from being just Mallory's boyfriend to James. My parents adore him like he is the son of the Arabian Sultan; it was shameful and entertaining at the same time to see my mother offering various kinds of food to James like he had never tasted food before. My father, who had been fiddling with his antique cars—and never let anyone touch his handiwork—suddenly was always in the garage with James. Not only them, but I was never alone again smoking on my roof. James often slipped next to me and we would smoke like chimneys until one of us was called down.

There are many memories that I have with James that I want to bury myself, or put it in a box, lock it, and throw the key to the bottom of the sea so that the memories will not go anywhere. It was pouring rain that day, and Mallory was stuck in her drama class so she couldn't pick me up at school. Then, when I was standing alone—obviously irritated—James came out of nowhere with an umbrella—he grinned. I have no problem walking under an umbrella in the rain with a hot guy (I really feel guilty when I think about it) because it’s a new experience for me. Also, doing it with James? Not gonna complain. I tried to hold my grin along the way, but of course, such romantic things only exist in the movie because, the next second, we were hit by a very strong wind and the umbrella was upside down, parted from the wire, and just like that, we were soaking wet. But to my surprise, James burst out laughing while staring at me. His laughter is always contagious, so I also laughed and then we laughed alongside the road, wet from our hair to toe. Then, James grabbed my hand—my heart almost dislodged—and he ran, pulling me along with him, toward a small cafe in a narrow alley. There we drank hot chocolate while chatting until our whole bodies were dry.

On my birthday—which I never celebrated because I didn't care enough—James slipped into my room at midnight. I screamed and almost hit his head with my bedside mug when he laughed with delight and gave me a cupcake with a small candle on top and said, happy birthday.

"Make a wish," he whispered.

I paused for a few seconds then blew out the candle. At that time, honestly, I did not ask for anything. I just stared at him closely, and before blowing out the candle, there was only one word in my mind; James Julians.

I was acquainted with the fun and hatred that I had felt in my whole life. I thank Mallory for introducing James to my life, but I also hate her for dating him. I love James because he brings a lot of new things; I’m a blank white paper and he enters my life, with all his colors, coloring me. On the other hand, I also hate him for dating Mallory. And last but not least, of course, I hate myself.

You're an evil girl, Charlie; you love your sister's boyfriend.

That's when I wrote my first resolution. My feelings for James had begun to be dammed; it was like poison that kept eating away my body, or a bomb that would explode at any time. I would not have the heart to take away Mallory's happiness and I know James loves Mallory to death, so there is only one thing I can do; back off.

I stopped smoking on the roof. I told everyone I joined the drawing class when, in fact, I went to the park to smoke. I lied to everyone every time James came to our house; “I have a plan with Sab”, “I have to go to the library”, “I will do my homework, so don't let anyone come into my room”, and after that, I will cry until there were no tears left. My heart was torn but I was willing to experience it all for the sake of forgetting James Julians.

I smoked my cigarette while staring at the crumpled paper again for the last time before burning the tip with a lighter and watching it burn.

The door behind me knocked and Mom's voice appeared.

"Charlie, it's time."

I smile, stand up slowly and walk toward the door. When I pass the mirror, I pause, staring at my own reflection. This beautiful white dress really makes me look beautiful. My hair is adorned with a small tiara, my hands are gloved with lace, and my shoes, even though the heels are too high for my liking, are too beautiful that I can’t resist. I smile again, leave the room and close the door behind me.

I meet Mallory, beautiful as usual, and we try to hold back the tears because Mom will kill us if our makeup is ruined before the event begins. We don’t have time to talk because suddenly the big door in front of us opens, showing a very beautiful altar, and James Julians, who looks very charming, standing at the end, smiling beautifully and clearly holding back happy tears. I smile at him; a drop of tears accidentally falls.

Then; "Here comes the bride."

I step toward James Julians.

… To deliver Mallory to him.