Your Guardian

You never really liked them. They've always seemed too... trusting. People swarm the hall awaiting their guardian. Their pleasure in seeing you gives you mild discomfort. Would they ever realize who you were? It wasn’t long ago that you were just like them, but alas, you don’t live in their trusting world anymore. 

The halls continue to fill as you continue to wait. You've been waiting patiently for quite some time. You check the time. Perfect. As you intended, you’ve arrived fashionably late. You had struggled to be late, it’s hard to break old habits, but in this you could rebel against him. 

You move slowly around the naïve crowd towards the front of the hall. Excited whispers muddle the room. The sound of soft, joyful din is all too familiar to you. You’ve traveled across the region and these people are just like all the others. Everyone is so perfect, almost too perfect.

You watch the room become nearly silent as they notice you walk up the steps at the front of the hall. Everyone, even children, quiet with wonder and amazement. You can visibly see the joy in their countenances. You had once been in pure wonder and awe by the speakers at these meetings too, but you now know they really weren’t much different from the members of the crowd. 

You know it will be easier once you start speaking, it always is. You gather your strength and give the people what they want to hear. You tell them of the vanishing darkness and of the death of the imposing ruler. Like all the other people, this is what they want to hear. Of course, there wasn’t darkness to begin with, but just as all the other people, just as you once had, they listen intently with trust in their eyes. You know the truth. You would tell them everything, but he won’t let you.  

You know that King Āsthā can never die or be conquered, unlike some of the stories read. You know because your tried. In your efforts he made you their guardian to protect the people from losing their trust of the world. You thought you were saving them, saving them from themselves, but you were just destroying yourself.  

You can’t tell them anything except this fabricated story about their new guardian, about yourself. You weren't really their guardian.

You wish you could do more to rebel against him. You had been trying to rebel for such a long time, but these words, your words, will keep them trusting. You don’t know if this trust will save them or destroy them, but you hope their trust won’t hurt them like your trust had hurt you. You care for them, in a way, you only dislike them because of what they should have discovered a year ago when you had become their guardian. 

You finish up your speech. You see the crowd gain strength. The energy of the crowd is almost empowering you. Somehow, they seemed more trusting then before your speech had begun. You know you once understood. Some things are harder for you to remember.

Your heart is always full of turmoil after your speeches, despite the energy of the crowds. You can't pay attention to the next speakers, but you don't really care. You wish you could tell them how you really feel and how you view the world. You would tell them that the darkness they had feared was bringing new light, it was a rebellion again the king. You yourself had fought in that rebellion, even lead it. It seemed right at the time, although now you don’t know. You lost your trust in that rebellion and somehow became their guardian. When you had confronted the king that day to destroy him, the only one who seemed to die was yourself. 

You never really understood the king’s power, but for years you had trusted it. You later fought against it and yet, you could never destroy him or his power. Maybe someday you’d understand. Since you became their guardian, you’ve felt yourself slowly succumbing to his power. You don't want to trust. You had fought back for many reasons, but even your reasons were beginning to be hazy. 

As the speeches come to a close, you watch the crowd begin to disperse. You watch as the cheery chatter flows across the hall as the people begin to trickle back to their homes and workplaces. Nothing really changed after the rebellion except for yourself. Your biggest change is the fact that you’re beginning to care again, and you hate it. 

You see the last of the crowd leave, so you rise. You ponder within yourself again. You don’t know if they’ll ever understand how hard you fought for them, for yourself. You sometimes wonder what the point of the rebellion was if you were bound to fail. Why would the ruler let you fight and then destroy you in the end? Maybe he was saving you. You hate that thought. The king couldn’t be right, you know that. He leads your world in blind trust. How could you ever trust him again?  

You begin to walk back to your waiting place. The streets were quiet despite the movement of people. Perhaps you mind was silencing the world. To your dismay, some people notice you waiting alone and grin as they pass you by, knowing full well who you are. You are their guardian. Sometimes you wish people could just forget about you somehow. Maybe then could you have some peace of mind. You continue thinking, bantering inside with yourself. 

Maybe he is trying to save you.  

No. You know he is the true darkness. You know once he is defeated, you will find peace again. 

No. He is trying to save you. You know you have been destroying yourself.  

No. He is the reason you are being destroyed. He made you this way and wants you to fit in his perfect world. 

Maybe he knows you better then you realize. Maybe he knows you want peace of mind. 

No. He doesn't know you.

He knows you. He knows you care. 

No. Why would you care? You fought for yourself. 

You fought for them. 

No, you hate them.  

You never truly hated them. You loved them and that’s why you lost yourself. He knows and is helping you find yourself. He gave you a way to help them. He is saving you from yourself. 

You reflect about your thoughts for a little while longer. You are beginning to hate that he’s right, but you still don’t fully believe it. How could you have been so wrong?  

Maybe there is nothing wrong with trust. Maybe it’s okay to strive for perfection. Maybe you are the one believing blindly, and they are truly trusting. Maybe you need to change, change perspective. Maybe he is right. Maybe he is trying to save you. Maybe you don’t really hate them.