The Joy of the Body

You've gotta be kiddin'! cried Horsehead, shifting in his chair and impatiently peering across the room.

I'm for real, responded Fishbreather. You get used to the water, being under it for days at a time. It's not like every day is Christmas, dude. How many times do I have to tell you this?

The two men sat in a dilapidated warehouse, surrounded by empty boxes and tattered walls. The air was filled with sawdust; a fan spinning fifteen feet above them seem to do little to make their living more comfortable.

And what, you think it's so fun to be whinnying all the time, to be neighing at every opportunity? Horsehead sat back in his armless, outdated computer chair.

Well, regardless, we have to figure something out. We can't live here forever. Technically we can't live here now. Let's go check out that job center again. Maybe we can find some employment and make ourselves whole.

Horsehead stared, lowering his eyes and dropping his muzzle towards the ground. Fine. Let's head over. But it's so damn hot. You don't know what it's like to have all this fur!

Fishbreather simply got up and walked towards the metal doors; Horsehead eventually followed, reluctantly. Outside, the sidewalks were bustling and cars were speeding by, their drivers needing to be somewhere else five minutes ago. Horsehead stared at the sun and grimaced.

How do we get there again? he asked.

Easy, we just walk down Main Street a little ways and then make a right. The building is hard to miss.

Wasn't it three years ago we last went there? How do you know it's still there?

I'm on their e-mail list. They send like three e-mails a week, you can't escape these people. Unsubscribe button is broken. Oh well, let's go get ourselves some jobs.

So they walked down the sidewalk, Fishbreather itching his gills frequently, satisfying his constant habit. This caught the attention of a bystander carrying a pair of headphones.

What's that on your neck? Are you ok?

He's more than ok! Horsehead interjected. He can breathe underwater! How about that?

What the hell are you talking about? the bystander responded, hands in pockets.

He literally can. He can breathe like a fish. If I could do that, I'd live down there in the sea. Could avoid people like you, to be honest.

Oh, shit. I didn't notice that you literally have a horse's head. Am I in Wonderland or something?

Maybe you are, responded Fishbreather. Everyone loves horses, after all, and there are some ergonomic benefits to a horse's head that many don't realize.

Don't be ridiculous, Horsehead said, turning away from both of them. Fishbreather, let's go, we're gonna be late.

Late for what? The racetrack? The bystander smirked.

For getting a job.

And the pair walked away from the bystander, who took a picture of them on his phone to later share with his friends.

They entered the imposing building via revolving doors. A woman on the other side of the door as they entered caught a glimpse and laughed. Horsehead laughed too.

What's so funny? Fishbreather asked.

Well she was laughing at you. So I thought that was funny.

No, she was laughing at you.

Definitely not. And it's good for you to be humbled from time to time.

You're the one who catches all the breaks. I'm just trying to get by and use my disability the best I can.

Disability? Yeah, it must suck to be able to breathe underwater and on land. Sounds really disabling to me.

I need to sleep with a breathing machine to make sure I don't die. You've seen this.

Let's just do what we came here to do and get this over with, Horsehead said, his tone suddenly serious. Many people had been walking around them, heading towards the elevators. Finally they followed the masses and Fishbreather clicked the button for the fifteenth floor.

I'm a bit nervous to be honest, Horsehead said.

But you have nothing to be nervous about. You're well-spoken, and a horse's voice really commands a room.

I'm still nervous. I guess you wouldn't get it. You look normal except for up close.

And that's exactly why I never stand out except during the worst times.

The elevator arrived and they got on it with four guys in filing in behind. The four were talking about cryptocurrency and the stock market.

Hey, Horsehead whispered, can't we just buy the stocks these guys are talking about and never work? I heard about these people on Reddit who trade for a living and make millions!

To make money off stocks you first have to have money to buy them, you know.

Oh. Yeah, I guess you're right.

And the elevator arrived at the fifteenth floor. Horsehead and Fishbreather watched the finance guys elevate higher up as they walked towards the glass door for the employment agency.

They pulled at the handle of the door but it didn't budge. The woman at the reception desk immediately through the door, currently on a phone call, looked up, alert, and hustled over to the door.

I have to let you in, door's locked. What are you gentlemen here for?

We're here for employment, Horsehead said.

Well. You're in the right place! Care for a breath mint?

What? Oh, no. I'm ok, I brushed my teeth this morning.

I'll take one, please, Fishbreather said.

Here you go! The woman handed Fishbreather a classic red and white peppermint.

Thank you! He popped it in his mouth immediately. Horsehead stared and shook his head subtly.

Oh, are you here for a ten o'clock? Mr. Risner will see you now. Mr. Risner! she screamed down the hall.

What?! a loud, booming voice shot back.

The two guys are here for you! she yelled just as loud, but with a very slow cadence.

Well escort them over here!

Ok! I will!

Right this way, she said to the two, returning to her normal, comforting voice. They walked the short distance down the hall to the door with the gold nametag. It read 'Stuart Risner'. Fishbreather stared at the door from a distance.

Can they come in now? the woman asked.

Yes! returned Mr. Risner. Let's hurry up here!

The woman pushed in the door and Mr. Risner stared expectantly at the two men in front of him, both wearing t-shirts and shorts.

Those aren't job-getting shirts, gentlemen! Mr. Risner himself was wearing a perfectly fitted suit.

I'm sorry, responded Fishbreather. Horsehead just looked on with his eyes narrowed; Mr. Risner caught his gaze.

What's the matter guy? Why the long face? Ha! Where'd you get that horse head, the taxidermy store?

It grew out of my neck, I'm pretty sure. I tried taking it off but no dice.

How weird! Well, I guess we're trying to find jobs for all kinds here, after all. I'm glad you came in, really. Sit, please, sit!

They sat in the two chairs opposite Mr. Risner's desk. Mr. Risner had a bunch of pictures of his family on his desk as well as a few of him holding up gigantic fish he apparently had caught.

You catch fish? asked Fishbreather.

Yeah. I throw the hook in with the bait and boom! The little bastards don't know what hit 'em! Well I should say big bastards because I'm not going out catching any little guys, you know what I mean? Wait a second, what is that on your neck? Is that a rash? Are you malformed too? Ha!

I have gills, sir.

Gills! So you can swim underwater. Do you sleep with the fishes?

No, sir.

Just a joke. I love mafia moves. Godfather 2 is pure gold.

Fishbreather just stared. His gills quivered slightly.

Well, ok. Jobs! I have jobs, and you guys need jobs! Mr. Risner pulled out a manila folder. Here, this first one is for a lifeguard. Interesting.

I can do that, sir, Fishbreather said. It's like I was born in the water.

But you're not forceful when you need to be, interjected Horsehead. The kids will be running around doing whatever they want and soon the pool will have a liability suit on its hands. I'm your man for this. Kids take one look at my face and know they can't be screwing around.

Hmm. Well there are other jobs. I'm honestly not sure either of you are well suited for this one.

Why? asked Horsehead.

Call it intuition. I got where I am today by trusting my gut and that ain't gonna change. So let's move on to the next one.

He rifled through the folder a bit more, occasionally pausing for a moment, then moving onto the next sheet of paper. Finally he carefully pulled out one piece of paper and held it in front of his face. He put it down and grabbed a pair of glasses from his desk and put them on.

They use such small print on these things! How's an old man like me gonna read it? How's an old man like me gonna do his job?

The two just stared at Mr. Risner, who was reading about the job line by line.

A teller at a racetrack, huh? Taking bets and managing money.

That's obviously for me, Horsehead said. It's on-brand!

Not so sure about that, Fishbreather said. You're just going to confuse people who are gonna think you're in the race. Or that you're some weirdo who's trying too hard.

I think the fish guy is right, Mr. Risner said, taking off his glasses. You're gonna scare the hell out of the poor people in the racetrack! The people in those places don't tend to be the wisest either. My ex-wife bet the horses and let me tell you, she wasn't the brightest bulb in the bin, no sir! Not everyone is blessed with book and street smarts like yours truly!

There was a momentary pause with each man staring at the opposite wall.

Horsehead broke the silence. So, any other jobs?

Oh, jobs? No, nothing else. Mr. Risner looked at his watch. Look at the time. I have my next appointment. Thanks for coming in! Mr. Risner stood, the signal that this appointment was over.

But, Horsehead said, but Mr. Risner was having none of it, having resorted to making a shooing motion towards the door.

And the two walked out, backed towards the reception desk.

So, how did things go? asked the woman at the desk.

Not well. No jobs, responded Horsehead, who kept walking, Fishbreather in tow. Horsehead hit the elevator button to go back down to the lobby.

Walking towards the revolving door, they caught the attention of a man in jeans and a polo shirt.

Guys, hey. You!

Horsehead and Fishbreather turned around to see the man with a smirk on his face.

You two looking for work or something?

Yeah, how'd you know? Fishbreather responded.

Just had a feeling. I have this enterprise I'm starting and I'm wondering if you two would like to join me.

Tell me more! Horsehead exclaimed. I really need a break. This other guy is the luckiest person I know, he doesn't really need another opportunity to succeed.

What? Fishbreather said, aghast. That couldn't be further from the truth. This guy has people fawning over him; everyone loves horses. Don't listen to his nonsense.

I don't know what you guys are talking about, said the man, still with his smirk stuck on this face. But both of you would be perfect for my Freak Circus!

Horsehead and Fishbreather looked at each other, then at the man, then at each other again.

Let's go get a drink, they said in unison.