4 comments

Teens & Young Adult Thriller Suspense

As I step out of the car, reluctantly leaving the heated seat and the warmth of the confined space, and am instantly hit with the bitter cold wind of classic Melbournes mid-July. 

I walk around to the boot to pick up some shopping bags, The wind irritatingly whipping tendrils of my hair, that I fruitlessly tried to bat out of my face. 

The car park was deserted, save for a few lone cars of Coles employees that dot the also empty street. The bright white light of the supermarket looks to offer much better protection from the bitter wind, so I picked up my pace, closed the boot and hopped up onto the sidewalk. Bundling up my scarf and pulling the hood of my sweatshirt higher up onto my frozen face.

I walk through the painfully slow automatic doors and am relieved to be greeted by the warmer atmosphere inside the supermarket.

I personally find that supermarket shopping is best done at night. It means fewer people, less crowding and means I can crank up my music as loud as possible without having to worry about the odd looks I gather when people don't “appreciate” the smashing music of the great Nirvana, etcetera, etcetera. This overall makes walking around the endless aisles much more manageable. 

At currently 10:45 pm the only people who seem to be milling around the supermarket are an older woman and a group of unruly teenagers. So I plug my Airpods in, grab a basket and begin making my rounds through the aisles.

As I make my way through the supermarket, stopping periodically to grab stuff off the shelves, By the time I make it about halfway, I notice how strangely deserted the place is. I turn down my music and look around.

The old lady must have left, but I didn't notice her leave and the sketchy group of teenagers disappeared as well. As I continue to wander around, I notice that there is also no longer any staff waiting at the registers or unpacking boxes of assorted foods in the aisle. Though I normally come late, it never has this level of silence and emptiness.

In not generally a paranoid person, but I have the strange feeling I’m being watched.

I turn the corner into the cereal aisle. Boxes of artificially coloured, overly sugared cereal boxes line both shelves. Their equally on-brand, bright cheerful packaging mocks the creepy tone of the supermarket.

I make my way down the aisle and turn right. I can hear footsteps, slow quiet footsteps eerily approaching but when I turn around there is no one behind in the aisle.

Then suddenly the lights go out. Immediately plunging the supermarket in total darkness.

A round of gunfire splits the short silence and loud shouts fill the entrance area of the supermarket. 

I don’t reckon these people are those teenagers.

I drop my basket, my eyes haven’t adjusted to the darkness, It bounces as it crashes to the ground. l stay standing, frozen in fear. The basket's contents roll about on the floor, spreading out around my feet and disappearing under the shelving in the aisle. 

The lights slowly go back on but remain flickering as if someone is purposely turning the light switch on and off. I almost laugh, it’s giving off very Stranger Things vibes.

 All of a sudden I am no longer alone in the aisle. There is someone at the other end.

Even through the periodic flickers of light, I can't make out any of the person's facial features under their hood. It’s pulled tight around their head, kind of like mine, but theirs,  It's underneath some kind of leather jacket. They seem to be wearing a strange kind of haptic suit, that covers from neck to feet, which are covered in some futuristic light-up kind of shoes.

The world seems to spin and sway out of proportion all at once and I shuffle my feet, almost stumbling over a dented can of beans. The shouts start up again, but now they are getting closer, I can hear someone shoot their gun up into the ceiling, plaster falling into the aisle next to me. The faint sound of empty bullet shells clinking on the floor.

Before I can even say a word, the strange person breaks out in a sprint right for me. I can feel their cold hands, urgently close around my upper arm pulling me along back through the aisle.

We dive over the registers and break out in a sprint for the exit to the supermarket. 

The people might have seen us because I can hear their footsteps and their shouts drawing closer.

The person still has me, firm in their grip, I hopelessly stumble on after them.

“Where are we going?” Feels like a stupid question to be asking now, this situation just keeps getting weirder and weirder. Their response is drowned out by the shouts of the people running out of the supermarket. I glance behind us. These people are covered in a similar but black bodysuit, but with some strange black bug-like helmets, with glowing red lights. And then the machine guns go off. And they are shooting right at us.

The first round of bullets pierced the cars to my left and my right. The next round pierced the flailing corner of my jacket.

“What's happening?” I yell with much more alarm this time.

“We have to get out now.” Her voice shocks me. Sounding weirdly familiar.

Before I can even turn to see how close the machine gun guys are, she pulls out a small grey orb and we dive behind the nearest car.

The dive knocks off her hood.

I’m staring at a face that seems all too familiar to belong to a stranger. 

I’m staring at me. 

“We have to leave this place now. you must follow me, you are in danger. You must trust me and follow the instructions that I give you, ok? Do you trust me?” her voice full of authority.

She throws the orb and it explodes in bright purple, which illuminates the ground and a swirling cloud appears, almost like a portal.

The words leave my mouth before I could process them.

“Yes.”

Without hesitation, she pushes me forward and we fall into the light.

May 05, 2023 12:54

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4 comments

Aaron Tippit
11:14 May 11, 2023

Sad to say, this story showed me how American I am. The description of night shopping was great. Her knowing who was in the store because of how empty it was is so true. I'm really bad with commas but I think you could pare those down in some paragraphs to make new sentences. I enjoyed the story and would go through the portal for more.

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11:47 May 11, 2023

Hi, Thank you so much for the feedback, Rereading my story now I can definitely see where I could have added in some extra commas to make the story flow better. Cheers, Abigail-Rose

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Elizabeth Hanlon
21:45 May 10, 2023

I enjoyed your story! Your description of the store was clear, and you developed the suspense effectively. I wanted to know what was going to happen. Good job!

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11:49 May 11, 2023

Hi Elizabeth, Thanks for the great feedback, I would definitely love to write a part 2 of this story, it could go in so many directions! Thanks, Abigail-Rose

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