The Moment I proposed to Myself

I have always been a various reader. When I was a girl, I loved Judy Blume books. She helped me in childhood and in my teen years. I wish I would have read more of her books in my thirties and my forties so just as much as this story is inspired by real life. It is also inspired by Mrs. Blume

In December of 2007 I had been dating David for than less than a year and I really loved him. Most days he reminded me of a younger brother. He was emotionally twelve years old. I am a big kid myself. In fact, I think most people are kids in adult skin. He was a forty- year- old man without children and into the Wizarding World of Harry Potter. I am a huge Science Fiction and a music maniac, so I understand fandom. I thought we were perfect for each other when we first met. Physically we were both short and stout and socially awkward. We had been a couple for about six to seven months. We spent all our free time together and we were shopping for Christmas gifts.  David grabbed my hand and said, “What should I get you for Christmas?” I almost burst out laughing but I realized he was completely serious.  I smiled warmly and said, “Why not an engagement ring?” With a crooked smile and half a shrug. He looked at he and smiled, “Did you just propose to me?” I smiled back, and said, “I think I did.”  That Christmas I received my little grey box with the ring we both picked. I remember smiling like an idiot and making a joke when I opened it. I said, “What does this mean?” I wanted to hear the words. He looked at me half laughingly said, “Will you marry me?”  he put the ring on my finger and I sternly answered, “of course!”

Unfortunately, or fortunately we never got married.  I felt he was more of a brother than a lover and I was a woman in my late thirties looking for the husband and the kids, and I knew I needed to push him to propose. If only we could see the red flag in the moment when it happens. If the couple is truly in love and heading for the alter there should be no need to push. We were together for another year when I realized I needed to give David another push to the alter. Red flag number two! I remember looking myself in the mirror and I yelling, “You need to tell him we need to get married or break up!” Then I Said, “WHAT? You cannot begin a marriage on an ultimatum!” I always felt alone. The worst feeling in the world is loneliness while you are not alone.

So, now looking back on this moment I realize I proposed to myself. I just wanted to be married so badly I did not care if my partner was ready or not. I still smile when I think about David and wonder if he ever found his one. I never met mine. This was the one moment in my life I was engaged. I still have the ring. Just to remind myself to pay attention to the moment. The names and dates of this story have been changed (Not really) to protect anyone that might think this story is about him or her. I did offer to return the ring and it was just as much my fault we did not get married as it was his. This moment is still a soft one in my heart. When it comes to marriage, I think my trouble began as a little girl. I was told my one true love would find me, buy me a ring, and want me forever.  Then I studied Sociology found out fairytales are bullshit. However, a part of me desperately wants to believe this romantic nonsense and that there is still a one out there. Now I have the knowledge that it takes work to get there. There is no instant chemistry and my one true love will not fall out of the sky and love me forever.  Now I want to go through my old pictures and see of I can find pictures of David or maybe friend him on Facebook. I know I will not friend him. I had to go check him out, he looks the same with just a little more forehead.  He still has the same warm smile and kind eyes I loved.  I was praying I would find he married and had kids. I have not changed much either just more jelly in the belly. I feel like I have walked a million miles on memory lane.

I have been thinking what I would say to David if we were to see each other today. Would we talk about old times? Talk about a new movie or show we are excited about seeing? I know I would chicken out and not tell you that I was unfaithful. I was very lonely and sought comfort in another man’s arms. I wish you nothing but the best. I did love you dearly. I hope you are well, and I hope your mother and family are well. My dad passed in 2019. Being engaged was one incredible moment! I pray you remember it as warmly as I do. I wish nothing for you but love and happiness in the future. Today is the today, is the moment I realize I really missed out. David you dodged a bullet. I have health problems. I have had to move near my mother since Dad died. Now I take care of my grandfather. I feel like a professional mother, I move from place to place and take care of the house and keep company. My official job title is Mamma. Now I am mothering my grandfather.  I wish I would have taken this position with you.