Eternal Check-Out

“If I have to ask you again, I’m going to insist you leave.”

“But he appears to be choking.”

“Appearances aren’t always what they seem. You see that woman over there. The one with the Australian looking cowboy hat and that, what ever kind of feather its supposed to be sticking out of the band. She pretends to be blind. I know she can see, cause why else would you come to a library. I suspect she’s stealing books and then resells them at these corner book sale places. I haven’t been able to prove it, but I know what she is up to.”

“Yes, but this person seems to not be breathing. His skin is turning blue. His eyes are kind of rolled back, like he’s dead or dying. Call 911, or do something.”

“You see, that’s why I make people leave their phones with me at the desk when they check in. Before I came, it sounded like Ma Bell herself had haunted the place. Lights, like lightning bugs blinking all over the place. Those vibrating sounds was the worst. Sounded like we was being attacked by a bunch of those Mexican wild bees they was warning us about.

Then there was always these inconsiderate people who thought they was being sneaky. Going to the cook book poetry section way in the back and talking away, like there was no tomorrow.

You know I heard a guy one time trying to pick up one of those phone people for some kind of date. I think, if I heard right, she was going to meet him here. That’s when I put a stop to that nonsense. No more phones. See the sign. You put this little sticky on it with your name, put it in the basket, and when you leave, if you haven’t stolen anything or tried to make illicit dates, you get it back.”

“You’ve got to call someone; I don’t have my phone with me. This person I believe is dead.”

“That’s just old Tommy Yarborough. If that’s his real name. He’s been dyin ever since he started commin in here to warm up. He thinks he’s pulling one on me, but I know better. He don’t even have enough sense to hold the book right side up when he pretends to be reading. I don’t think he knows how to read. You’d think you could find a better place to cavort if you couldn’t read, wouldn’t you? And looking at a picture should give you some kind of clue to what is the right side up, don’t you think?

No, Tommy anin’t dead. He’s just sleeping. He knows that’s against the rules, so when he thinks he’s getting caught he pulls this stuff like he’s dying. 

I followed him one time. Saw him sitting on a bench by the park. Wondered what he was doing, so I followed him when he left. Had to walk my dog anyway. If I don’t walk him he gets ornery like, chewing up my pillows. Once even my shoes. It’s best I take him for a walk. Needed to buy some food at that specialty pet place down on Jackson. You must know the place.  Big sign with what I believe is Jake, my dog on it. Never got a dime for the picture. Jake’s a good-looking dog too. Some people got a lot of nerve.

Anyway, Jake won’t eat just any food. He likes that canned stuff, looks like tuna fish. I tried a bit and it ain’t bad. Can see why he likes it. 

Anyway I followed him, and he lives down by the river. Has a tent and a fire pit thing he cooks in. No, he’s safe enough, except for the smell. He just comes in here to get warm and take up space law abiding peoples should be using. How he got a library card, I have no idea. Not being able to read and all, surprised he can write. Maybe you don’t need to know how to read or write to get a card. Probably those places where you get the fake ID’s and stuff can get you a library card as well. I’m goin to look at his card closer next time he checks something out. 

Come to think of it, I don’t know that he’s ever checked out a book, even a magazine. I got to watch him closer. He might be stealing books for that feather woman over there. Make a little spending money on the side. You see they all work together. I don’t know how they find each other, but it’s probably a network of no goods, got a place like the fake ID place where they figure out how to steal books and stuff like that.”

“Mam, you’ve got to call someone. This man is dead or close to it. I can’t feel a pulse and his skin is feeling cool. Please!”

“You know the last time he pulled this it was back in the science fiction aisle. You can’t get any farther from the desk than science fiction. I went back there to see how come he didn’t come back. I keep my eye on him now that I suspect he’s working with the feather woman. So he gets up and leaves and don’t come back. When he don’t come back I go looking for him. You never know what his type might be doing. Just cause he’s quiet don’t mean he ain’t planning something devious, and in my library. 

I find him asleep on the floor. He’s holding his chest when I catch him and saying he thinks he’s having a heart attack. 

He looked fine to me. Probably indigestion. Living on canned beans and whatever he can find in the dumpster behind the Almost Round burger place down the block. Funny they call it that when they only sell square burgers.  I don’t know how anyone can eat a square burger. Almost unamerican, don't you think?

Anyway, he was just fine. I think he has a dozen or more tricks like that to keep from getting tossed out of places and getting the sympathy vote. I mean, I know he looks like he’s eighty or more, but I’d bet he ain’t much more than fifty. He wears that stupid beret thing on his head too, like he was some kind of war hero. No, you got to watch his type. Always lookin for something for free, but then I guess that’s why he comes to the library.

What kind of books you like to read? I don’t read myself, don’t have the time. That and my eyes ain’t what they used to be…Tommy!

Tommy he don’t look so good. Why didn’t you say something. You know what will happen if someone drops dead in here? They’ll close the place, look for some kind of mischievous intent. What am I supposed to do then. You should have said something right off, not wait till the poor soul was breathing his last. Geeze, don’t you people have any empathy?

You’d better run home and get your phone and call the, whoever you call for this kind of thing. I’ll set this book up so people will think he just fell asleep. 

Can you imagine having the nerve to die in a library? Some people. You go off now and call. I’ll tidy up a bit, so they don’t think we are running some kind of drop box for the homeless. Now off with you. And be sure to mention I didn’t have anything to do with this mess.”