Truth is a Fickle Brew

Almost from the moment Buzzed Beans opened, coffee aficionados from around the globe crossed its threshold to experience what the Coffee Times lauded “the purest form of legal ecstasy that your mouth will have the divine privilege of experiencing.” While unquestionably a hyperbolic description—it is after all, just coffee—the consensus soon became that one trip to Buzzed could literally be life-altering.

During that fateful month in July, Buzzed truly lived up to its name. A handful of customers began reporting a strange phenomenon that occurred moments after quaffing one of the critically acclaimed yet overpriced twelve-ounce pours. The lucky few inexplicably felt their senses alter into a kaleidoscope of forgotten dreams and unexplored dimensions. As if flashing before their eyes, they bore witness to iterations of their lives until they perceived the perfect outcome, the divine truth of who they were meant to be. Once this immersive experience reached its end, the participants emerged serene with certainty. Complicated decisions were stripped down to one remaining, unquestionably clear option. It was as if a celestial force had revealed each person’s rightful path, bringing relief from the exhausting pursuit of decision making.

At first, there was speculation that an intense dose of caffeine brought about these revelations, but the baristas adamantly confirmed that each of their coffees contained a perfectly balanced “caffeine experience.” Adding to the mystery, not everyone who drank Buzzed coffee had this trip into another version of themselves. The intermittent reward only added to the allure of Buzzed Beans as customers clamored for the opportunity, desperate to receive the gift of the truth of who they were meant to be.

The owner of Buzzed, Edward, was just as mystified as everyone else; he knew his coffee was free of additives and could find no explanation for the visions his coffee bestowed on the fortunate few. Eventually, after much chatter on mind-numbingly detailed reddit discussions, the common thread was discovered: each of the patrons who had experienced their sublime truth had drunk a single cup of Buzzed Balinese Peaberry blend, ironically named Visions of Bali.

Aside from its newly discovered mystical powers, the coffee had always been deeply treasured due to the wet processing process. Experts deemed the Balinese Peaberry sourced from Ubud to be “delightfully bright and much higher toned than other roasts out of Java or Sumatra.” The $15 charge for a twelve-ounce pour over coffee seemed a bargain for the prospect of seeing one’s future as it was meant to be.

Once the secret was out, Buzzed struggled to keep enough Visions of Bali on hand to satisfy the thirsty public. Edward feared a protest would erupt if he couldn’t continue to provide this elevated experience. He tried in vain to contact his supplier in Ubud but his calls went unanswered, despite his multiple frantic voicemails and texts.

In the meantime, transformed customers shared their experiences across social media. Word continued to spread, even reaching international news outlets (must have been a slow news month).

The world first heard the story of Leonard, a man stuck in a stagnant, soul-crushing marriage. That is, until the fateful day he had his first cup of Visions of Bali. By his second sip, the portal into the magnificent world of his imagination broke open. He described in animated detail feeling as if he was floating above his body, seeing his drab life drifting away as he was overcome by a perfect sense of well-being. In this vision, Leonard’s wife waved goodbye and as he watched her shrink in the distance, he felt euphoric. He went home that very afternoon and packed his bags, leaving his ever-critical wife finally at a loss for words. Codependent my ass, he thought smugly to himself. He fired his therapist the following week.

Next was Andrea, who had been afraid to move out of her childhood home ever since the panic attacks started. Her anxiety had become so severe that she hadn’t worked in a year. She scraped together enough money to splurge on a cup of Visions of Bali, the one weekly pleasure she allowed herself. This became the best decision of her life as it yielded a vision of herself cleaning out her mother’s garage. She was puzzled by this image until she homed in on a dusty, misshapen, and rather unattractive vase that had been taking up space for years. Without another thought, Andrea finished her coffee and rushed home. She announced to her mother that she was finally going to clean the garage, leaving her so grateful that she gave Andrea permission to sell everything and keep the proceeds. Andrea scooped up the very vase she had seen in her vision and within a month, it was auctioned for $200,000! Who knew her mother had a random carnival vase in her garage? This windfall put an end to Andrea’s panic attacks and she moved into her own apartment, right next door to Buzzed Beans.

And then there was Ellis, who had a vision that he was meant to leave the priesthood and become an actor. Two months later, he was an extra in an adult film. His dreams of stardom hadn’t yet been realized, but Ellis secured an agent and headed for Hollywood.

Countless others rejoiced in seeing their ideal futures revealed, lives their formerly stifled imaginations never could have foreseen. Customers waited hours in line for their chance at enlightenment, their resolve unwavering even after the cost for one cup of this elusive brew reached upwards of $30. Edward justified this price to himself, feeling noble that he was improving lives. Although it wasn’t he who was doing the transforming, it was the coffee. A small detail, but nonetheless an important distinction.

There was endless speculation as people attempted to identify the magic ingredient, which drug could induce this joyful experience with seemingly no ill effects. Skeptics accused Buzzed of poisoning its customers, showing outrage at the lack of transparency by not naming this supposed secret ingredient. Edward insisted there was no undisclosed ingredient and he willingly submitted to a lie detector test on live TV (he passed). He allowed two separate chemists to test his coffee and each wholeheartedly confirmed that his coffee contained, well, just coffee.

Edward remained as perplexed as anyone, trying to overlook his growing suspicion that his coffee’s mind-boggling powers were too good to be true.

His suspicion was confirmed not long after, when his rapid ascent into near sainthood came to a startling halt. Loyal customers, who had just the week before praised Visions of Bali’s life-altering properties, began claiming that the coffee “wasn’t working.” First time customers, disappointed at not receiving the promised enlightenment, demanded refunds and expressed outrage at the inflated price. The Yelp and Trip Advisor reviews got nasty and Edward began hearing threats of lawsuits. He couldn’t imagine what anyone could sue him for, but it was America.

Poor Leonard grew to regret his decision to leave his wife, blaming his ruined life on Visions of Bali.

Andrea’s vase was discovered to be a fake and she was facing legal action. And now, so was Buzzed Beans.

As quickly as the crowds had descended upon Buzzed Beans, they vanished, leaving behind a wasteland of unbrewed coffee and unrealized futures. Edward was left to wonder if the visions had been real at all, or if they had merely been a bizarre manifestation of the power of suggestion. Not one to dwell on the negative, Edward tried to turn his disappointment into acceptance. Truth be told, he had become exhausted by the expectation that his coffee should somehow alter lives. It was just coffee, after all.

Days passed as if in slow motion until life at Buzzed Beans returned to a new homeostasis. Edward’s regular customers returned, reclaiming their seats in the once cherished anonymity of their neighborhood coffee shop. He decided to rename Visions of Bali to a simpler Bali Brew, not wanting to instill any false expectations.

Some weeks later, Edward’s supplier from Ubud, Mickey, finally called him back. Mickey apologized profusely, explaining there had been a major computer glitch at the roastery and had switched Edward’s order with another of his clients.

“So, you actually got a smokin’ deal, Edward! We accidentally shipped you Kopi Luwak but charged you the regular price.”

“Seriously? You’re telling me I’ve been serving my customers civet shit coffee? At least now I don’t feel so bad for raising the price—doesn’t that stuff go for $50 a cup?”

“At least. But we had to pull it back because there was a, um, slight problem with it,” Mickey explained.

Edward had the feeling that he was about to be drawn into one of Mickey’s wild explanations that he would somehow believe while also knowing it made no sense. “What kind of problem?”

“I guess some of our customers started having weird hallucinations right after they drank the Kopi, claiming they were possessed by the devil. Crazy, right? We’ve sold this for years and there’s never been a problem. We are super careful, from bean to cup.”

Edward rolled his eyes at Mickey’s characterization. Clearly, they weren’t so careful.

All the same, Edward’s curiosity was piqued. “That’s a trip because we had customers over here having visions. But they liked the visions, freaking loved the visions! They were saying the coffee showed them their true selves, who they were meant to be, as if from a vision. It sounds nuts as I’m telling you, but people were lined up down the street just for this stuff!”

Mickey offered a hesitant, “Huh.”

Edward continued, “But I’ve tried Kopi Luwak plenty of times, and I’ve never had visions. I even had your beans tested and they didn’t find anything weird—no drugs, parasites or additives. None of this makes sense.”

There was a long pause while Mickey appeared to be gathering his thoughts. His English was perfect, so Edward knew he was stalling.

“Well, you’re going to think I made this up…but I guess there were some nutmeg trees growing right next to where the civets live. For some unknown reason, besides eating the coffee beans, they ate all the nutmeg, like ALL of it, completely destroying the trees. And then when the civets shit out the coffee beans, they were of course mixed with the nutmeg. That caused a chemical reaction when we roasted the beans, and that’s what made it hallucinogenic!”

“That can’t actually be a thing. Come on, Mickey, what really happened?”

“I shit you not—"

“Oh, you’re funny,”

“Seriously, we checked our wildlife cameras and saw it for ourselves. Turns out, something like this happened hundreds of years ago but we thought it was just folklore.”

Edward considered Mickey’s explanation and decided he may have had too much of his own coffee. “That is truly insane. Could this happen again?”

“Actually, that’s what I’m calling about. I should have told you this before, but I saw your coffee shop on the news, all the buzz you were getting…”

Mickey and his jokes. Edward couldn’t understand why Mickey hadn’t called him back right away when he heard about the fervor his beans had caused. They had been working together for years and he considered Mickey a friend.

“Seeing how all of you Westerners liked our coffee, we decided to run a little experiment. We moved our civets to Banda Islands where the real nutmeg is grown. And we let the civets go to town on those nutmeg trees. I wanted to see what would happen before I told you anything.”

“And???” Edward was starting to wonder whether this story was anywhere adjacent to the truth.

“We came out with a batch ten times better than that hallucinogenic lightweight we sent you. I had a cup, and it was like an insane clown posse met up with Mother Teresa. Life-changing, man—we’re gonna get rich off this!”

Edward figured there had to be a catch. There was only so much nutmeg a civet would eat and it wasn’t available in limitless supply. He estimated it would take at least five years before new trees would even bear fruit.

Mickey couldn’t contain his excitement. “I’ll give you exclusive access to our blend, you could be the only place in America that sells it! You’re my guy, Edward. You’ve got the customer base, and people trust you.”

“They did trust me. Remember, you saw the news and how I went down in flames. Now, I’m like some overpriced drug dealer who can’t deliver.”

“Nah, we’ll spin this so you’ll look like a hero. No joke, this is going to be epic. Tell you what, I’ll send you a batch, and you can decide.”

“Fine, do what you gotta do. Now back to the real world, I need more of your plain old non-mind-bending Sumatra so I can continue to make an honest living.”

Despite himself, Edward’s body nearly vibrated with anticipation. He couldn’t wait to find out what his friend’s experiment would yield. If this new batch delivered on Mickey’s promise, it could change the way the world looked at coffee. And nutmeg.

Edward had no idea if he could withstand another catapult into the wild chaos of coffee sorcery. He couldn't help but consider the compelling possibility that if this experimental blend produced what they hoped, he wouldn’t have to make any more decisions, ever. How delicious would that be? He would let the civet nutmeg magical coffee bean shit guide his life decisions.

What could possibly go wrong?