Baby

Warning: Contains themes of maternal psychosis, infanticide, and suicidal ideation.

I knew that I couldn’t keep her. She was just too precious to belong to someone like me. From the moment I laid eyes on her, I was completely and utterly in love. She was so little, so pure, so much a Miracle far too beautiful for this cruel world in which the rest of us are dreading to exist. She was in every sense of the word, perfect. And a tainted individual which is the thing that is me certainly had zero business attempting to shelter this small being from the harshness of the world.

Nora, I had named her. My flawless baby girl. Her face was so sweet, and her scent was divine. This perfect little piece of me was placed into my arms, and immediately I knew that she was all that mattered in the world. This cruel, untrusting, terrifying world. This world where unwarranted advice is forced upon one another. This world, where the voices command and demand all their wants onto you. Protecting her was my sole priority in life.

I took my beautiful bundle of baby-joy home. I kissed her sweet, delightful head and inhaled the smell of her deeply. Mine. All mine. This brand-new person, solely mine. I placed her gently in her crib and rushed to close the shades so that no one would be able to hear her thoughts or place their demonic thoughts into her mind. My mind. Our mind. Never mind with the shades, I quickly took to the mirror to compare her resemblance to me. A perfect match. Too perfect, she was, to belong to a monster like me. A young mother, who has seen many a tragic time in one’s life. No, the voices spoke to me. She shan’t have to go through that. I left my reflection and returned to my angel. Her closed eyes dreaming, small chest softly heaving. So helpless. Too beautiful to be alive.

I stared down at her. Her body so graceful. I knew what I had to do, but how in a manner that was tasteful? I picked her up softly. The hushed noise that escaped her tiny lips was so pleasant to my ears. I could not believe that this amazing, incredible human being belonged to me! The joy that exuded was Heavenly. I was the luckiest mother on Earth to have this – a wonderful newborn, beautiful, helpless little piece of me. I kissed her cheek ever so lightly. She smiled so brightly. Her wrinkly hand wrapped around my finger tightly.

I likely may harm my Nora, accidentally. I could not allow for it to occur. The urge to end her was overwhelming. Do it now! The voices exclaimed. Do not allow for her to live in this place that is so unholy. The voices were right. The thought of her getting hurt would be unbearable, and in this world’s current state, it would definitely be quite inevitable. I loved Nora too much.

As the faces in the tightening walls awaited my next move, I knew exactly what I needed to do. I promised the voices that my baby would not go through what I had gone through. I placed Nora back down into her cuddly crib, then swooped her back into my arms. I could not let go! How unfair to have to return her back to Him so soon! Her untouched hair and charming glare suddenly caused me to swoon. I shan’t. I shan’t do this thing that the wall faces expect me to do. I held her close to my body, tightly in my hold. I wanted her to live and to play and to treat her like gold. To help her grow old.

But the thought was far-fetched. And etched in my mind was the reminder that this place would never be enough for such an adorable face. I struggled to maintain faith.

Suddenly, that sharp, jarring noise impaled my brain into confusion. The faces on the walls were certainly no illusion! They commanded this awful deed onto me. I began to cry, not knowing whether to hide or run or cry or to scream. I held my Nora closely, whispering promises of protection into her tiny ear. I rushed into the closet with her. I could sense that she had become a bit startled. In our dark hide-away, I sang soothing lullabies to the child. I felt relief as she began to calm down, and after a few hours had fallen asleep in my arms.

I woke the next morning to a faint cry. I opened my eyes; however, I could not see a thing. I then remembered the night Baby and I were so unfortunate to have endured and quickly realized that we were still in my bedroom closet. I placed my hand on the inside knob of the door, hesitantly at first, but then, with the courage of her, I swung open the door. In poured the light of morning. An exhalation of relief escaped my lips. I blinked my eyes a couple of times. I looked down at the precious being, still wrapped in her blanky in my arms. Her face was rosy and warm. I set her aside on the closet floor and brought myself to my feet. I knelt and gathered her upset body and held her against my own.

With shaking hands, I drew open the shades. The sun was shining so brightly. The birds were chirping so rightly. I carried Baby so tightly as I kissed her all over. What an incredible day she and I would have. Such amazing life lessons in which I would teach her. If the voices do not reach her.

It was at that moment that I remembered that the voices would always be there. And that the monsters in this world roam free day by day. How I dreaded the thought of my baby suffering ailment, unfairness, judgement, and more. This being, whom I adore, in a world that is growing so painful more and more. And so, I obeyed the voices that I have obeyed for my whole life. I picked up the knife...