Do what I say, not what I do.

01-09-2002

Dear diary, how am I going to figure this out? It took me 10 plus years to figure out a way to an independent life with a traumatic brain injury. I didn't figure it out on my own, God used the church members to be His hands to do the work. Canton Church of Christ members sat in the hospital and prayed God's healing scriptures over me. Then it was my turn to try, because after a 30 day long coma I began waking to the third stage of the coma. From relearning to walk, talk, care for my hygiene needs, & feed myself to becoming an able bodied independent woman. I relied on prayer, God's Word, plans, list, integrity, and mo.'s as a means to support my success after I began to live by myself. I was following a plan, took notes, did the work, and it blew up in my face. At least it didn't blow up literally like the first time. I didn't have a plan at all, I was living hazardless, then. Well now the church is so far away. The world is so real, in my face, and unforgiving. When my plans, list, integrity, and mo.'s fail me I have no other options. Or do I? Following the advise of even the best trained physicians is not always a sure thing. I have had to research medicines and weigh out what tolerating the side affects might do to me. Oh dear diary, sometimes those side affects are life altering. But I'm not in a hospital bed, hooked to an i.v. pumping pain medication through my veins anymore. I'm not surrounded by a team of church members that assist me with my needs. Nope dear diary, I have to exercise judgment and free will., and this is hard. Because I do not know how to get what I need on my own. I will have to study the bible, pray, and devote my days to figuring out what I need. Today, I need to do some shopping, work on my plan to address the debilitating neuropathy that has attacked me, and morphed into a pinched nerve and sciatica. Just getting up, doing my therapies, cooking, eating, and getting dressed is so much. But that's enough complaining for now, I will just do my bible devotional, have my coffee, and get on with my routine. That's enough, for so long I just laid in the hospital bed, and my muscles all atrophied because I had to use an electric bed to raise myself to sit up. I can even remember having a feeding tube, and graduating to being spoon fed, then using a weighted spoon.

Oh I have come so far, but the milestones I need to reach now are not so monumental anymore. No one is coaching that disabled 20 year old on anymore. The entire congregation doesn't stand and give me an ovation because I learned to walk again. I got a second chance at life, and I am doing it but my plans do not always workout. People don't treat me like a sick disabled woman anymore who needs help. When I make mistakes, the consequences fall on me, not a nurse, not a doctor, not a benevolent Christian church member who will foot the bill anymore. I do not experience astronomical consequences, mind you. I'm no maniac; just affected. I don't reach milestones like learning to swallow, speak, hold my head up, or walk and talk either. I have done those things twice in my life, and I was coached both times. After all, most folks are affected by something at some time in their lives. I just can't help but wonder, how on God's green earth did my neurons, synapsis, and muscle memory regenerate itself to help me transition out of the way I was maintaining my life.

I think I just figured it out, it was on God's green earth. He created life to regenerate, and goodness will prevail. My system was in fact disrupted, I can remember 20 years ago laying in that hospital bed with a feeding tube, iv, catheter, and trachea hooked up to me for my sheer existence. Then later, about a year later, I made a choice. I got to have some of my very own some money; and I kept it. Glenda Hughes took me to an event that I needed to go to, she gave me some money for lunch. I had some change left over, and kept it. I spent it on buying a soda months later when I drove myself to church. The pit stop I made at the gas station beside my church (the store was named Bobs Town and Country,) this was the first time I made a choice of my own initiative without asking permission or if it were safe to do. I experienced so much sweating, and shaking driving the 10 miles down Hwy. 198 that evening, it would prove to be one of the last times I drove a vehicle. I was told by Debbie that I would just have to force myself to drive, until I got used to it. Least to say, that was over 20 years ago, and I drove only a couple times more. I gave up my drivers license, and because computer test proved my reaction time was slow. So not driving is not as bad as not living, or taking someone else's life because I was driving. Now that I am 40 years old, the world is still changing, unforgiving, & merciless. My prayer bathed plans, meticulous catalogs with a team, and best of intentions have stopped working. Because the evil has disrupted Gods' system.

“My prayer is not that you take them out of the world but that you protect them from the evil one. They are not of the world, even as I am not of it. Sanctify them by the truth; your word is truth” (John 17:15-19).

Ms. B. Grace Murray