What Goes on in the Mind of a Bird?

What goes on in the mind of a bird? Liberty Coates surely knows. After twenty years of research on the spotted Oriole, she has written countless papers on her extensive studies. The conclusion: birds do not have the emotional intelligence to think thoughts. On May 19th, 1987, two months after Liberty Coates’ less than successful paper The Spotted Oriole: My Life’s Devotion was published, her lifelong rival Bruce Davidson published his groundbreaking neuroscience study, claiming that birds are one of the most intelligent creatures on Earth. Secretly wishing for Bruce to come to a bitter end, Liberty Coates decided to prove him wrong the only way she knew how: two weeks of non-stop birdwatching. “This evidence will show that snotty prick,” she thought to herself packing her instruments for a long sojourn into the forests of New Hampshire…

Dear Chief Thompson, 

I hope this letter finds you well and I must clearly emphasize that this letter in no way intends to belittle the Nashua Police Department or its efforts in finding my esteemed colleague Liberty Coates. However, I have heard that no progress has been made in finding Ms. Coates and that “the trail has gone cold”, to put it in the words of one of your officers. I find this lack of initiative truly startling as Ms. Coates is not only a researcher at the forefront of her field of study, but also a long-time Nashua resident with dependents in her family.

In case I need to remind you of the facts, Ms. Coates was declared missing approximately 3 weeks ago and hasn’t been heard from since. The lack of instruments and other materials seems to indicate that she left on a bird-watching exhibition, presumably in her favorite area, to which you have already been alerted. Inexplicably, the search for Ms. Coates lasted only three days before the search was given up. Just because Ms. Coates seemed to take no food or water from her home upon her departure does not mean that she has not survived some other way or procured sustenance elsewhere. The callous statement made by one of your officers that she is "probably all dead and dried up out there like an old prune” is both alarming and a clear indication that you have already given up your search. I must implore you to continue searching for Ms. Coates. She is truly very special to me and since speaking with your officers has proved fruitless I hope you will choose to reexamine this case and find Liberty.

Sincerely, 

Bruce Davidson, Ph.D

Corey Seffner was a globetrotting youngster who had become horribly injured during a recent rock climbing expedition. In an effort to recuperate, Corey had found his way into the forests of New Hampshire and enjoyed the fall breeze as it blew the scent of decaying leaves all around him. Finding a small clearing to rest his tired legs Corey lay down on the soft forest ground, the dead leaves closer than ever before. Up high in a nearby maple, a small bird flew into view. Corey smiled as the bird began its song. It was a cute little bird with a spotted brown body and distinctive yellow breast. Having recently read an interesting ornithological academic paper, there was no doubt in Corey’s mind that he had encountered a spotted oriole. Sitting up to get a better view Corey decided he had to get even closer, and in his struggle to get up with his recovering limbs the scared oriole flew away immediately. A guttural scream rang through the trees. Alarmed, Corey turned only to be struck in the head by a large, squirrel-like creature in full camouflage. Stumbling back, Corey’s vision blurred as the figure yelled shrilly: “You’re ruining my research!”. Regaining his composure, Cory realized the figure was a woman who seemed to have been out here for quite some time. 

“What’s going on!?” Corey yelled back in his confusion.

“For twenty years I have studied the Spotted Oriole! Twenty years!! Do you even know what that means!?” 

“What!?”

“They are precious!! Very precious creatures!!” Liberty Coates was very dehydrated. 

“Who are you?” Corey asked calmly.

“My name…is…Liberty.” 

Liberty Coates had finally stopped yelling. She slumped down on the ground dejectedly and fumbled with one of the many bits of mud covering her body. 

“Liberty?” Corey paused to think, “Are you by any chance Liberty Coates, the author of The Spotted Oriole: My Life’s Devotion?”

Liberty whipped her head around to stare him down. 

“You… you know about my research?” 

“Yes, I read it shortly after it was published. I’ve never really been a big fan of birds but I found your findings to be quite startling.”

“Yes?”

“Oh yes the incredible lack of intelligence in birds, as witnessed through years among the spotted orioles of New Hampshire, is a truly remarkable conclusion.”

Up high in the maple, the spotted oriole had returned and watched the figures converse. After a minute of mindless observance, the bird finally remembered why it had left its nest in the first place. Winter was coming and the eggs had just hatched. If the chicks were going to survive he was going to have to find more food. Sadness filled the bird. ‘Oh woe is me’ the bird thought in the special way only birds can. 

What goes on in the mind of a bird? It seems Liberty Coates may not know after all.

For four weeks Liberty Coates had survived in the forests of New Hampshire. Although it would have been easy for her to find her way out she was too dedicated to her research to think of anything else. Scavenging for food and water had been difficult and Coates cursed herself for leaving with only her research instruments. After the first week, the bird watching had not gone too well and Liberty was forced to camouflage herself in the mud and leaves of the forest to approach birds more easily. After the second week, her trusty binoculars broke making the bird watching even more difficult. Still, Liberty was not discouraged. After the third week Liberty had watched, expertly disguised as a nearby cranberry bush, as a search party made its way through the forest yelling her name. This was the only point at which Liberty considered giving up. But her research was still not conclusive enough to discredit her rival, Bruce Davidson. Two days later the search party gave up. Liberty Coates continued her studies dutifully, her notes and measurements becoming more and more jumbled as she spiraled into near insanity. As week four came to a close Liberty finally came into contact with one Corey Seffner, who happened to be one of the few people who actually read Liberty Coates’ paper, rather than the highly appraised neuroscience paper published by Bruce Davidson shortly after. This gave Liberty a new hope for the world of ornithology and she decided that perhaps it was time to leave the forest and return to civilization. 

Liberty Coates returned home to find Bruce Davidson taking care of her mother. It was difficult for Liberty’s mother to manage on her own and it seemed Bruce Davidson had made sure that she was doing alright in Liberty’s absence. Liberty was furious. Bruce Davidson was the whole reason for this mess and she hated him for everything he was. Covered in mud and leaves Liberty stood in her own dining room watching her sworn enemy play Scrabble with her mother. As they saw Liberty her mother screamed with delight and ran to hug her. Bruce Davidson rose with a relieved smile.

“What’s going on here?” Liberty growled, disgusted by the sight of her rival in her home.

“Oh Liberty, this nice young man would be so wonderful for you. I hope you accept.” Liberty’s mother let go of her and stepped back excitedly. 

Bruce Davidson stared woefully into Liberty’s feral eyes and got down on his knees.

“Liberty, will you be my ‘life’s devotion’?”