Early and Late

Since the Roman Empire it was known in certain occult circles that you could invoke spells to see the future. They required a young child new to life and an elderly person close to death to work together. The elderly person couldn’t benefit from seeing the future because they’d be dead before it arrived, the child couldn’t benefit because they were too young to understand or remember; and so it was mostly useless and unused.

By 2000 however people had the ability to make recordings and program emails to be sent  years later. As far as I know my grandmother was the first ‘prophet’ to figure out how to make good use of this technology.

The first time I was reminded of this I  was 13.I woke up to a pre-programmed message in my email inbox. I had forgotten about the fortune telling and so was surprised when I clicked on the video link.

Little Me  held hands with babushka as we stared into the tea leaves. 

“I am early” I said.

“I am late” she said

“Of early and late, all time can be forged” we recited together.

“This vision is stupid. It’s just teenaged me doing nothing and looking like he wants to poop” little me said.

“I think he wants to talk to girls but is too shy… probably your dads fault. He’s always pretending to be the perfect male feminist who knows how many lies he’d have told you about girls over the years”

“Why do I want to talk to girls? Aren’t there boys too talk to?”

“You probably want to kiss them. Grown up boys and girls like kissing each other”

“I never see mommy and daddy kiss.”

“Yet another reason why this is all your fathers fault. He and your mom are kissing right now, that’s why you are here with me. But he never lets you see any of that. So I now need to give teenage you advice on talking to girls, because he never did”

“No you don’t!  I kiss the black haired girl  with the big doggy! Then the doggy jumps on us and tries to join in! We already saw it ! It was funny!”

My babushka looked  at the camera at this point to talk to me directly “Little you is right. Your first girlfriend will be an asian with a husky dog. Ask out every girl you know who fits that description so you can stop looking so miserable”

Had Babushka been able to tell me her name I’d have been spared the embarrassment of being rejected first by her little sister. But getting Tina on the second try was still worth it.  Every growing boy needs some trustworthy source of relationship advice, and I’m glad my dead grandmother could be there for me.

My next pre-scheduled message came in on my 15th birthday..

“Happy birthday John! You’re off watching cartoons so I can talk about some truths you’re not ready for yet”

“ When you’re hearing this you’re having a lot of trouble with your parents. You’re a teen, so you have the intelligence and wisdom to notice all your parents' many flaws, but neither the skills nor legal standing to function independently of them. I’m pretty sure many of your friends are going through similar things;Though not exactly the same obviously; as their parents have different flaws.”

“First let’s give your mom the credit she deserves. Her childhood was far lonelier than I thought at the time. She gave you a childhood surrounded by siblings and pets so you never have and never will experience the type of loneliness she did.”

“Second let’s give her the blame. I’ve seen how she’s acting around you and your  brothers lately. She’s pouring all her energy and your family's money into political projects that don’t make any difference; and has effectively lost half her IQ, by evaluating ideas in terms of if they make her a good person rather than if they are true. It’s exactly like living with a drug addict, except you don’t have to worry about social workers breaking up your family. It might be my fault. I can be a bit of a snob so I encouraged her to read stories about high minded idealists  rather than cheap romances because I thought it was classier, and maybe she took the wrong messages from them..”

“Neither of your parents will grow up enough to see that there's anything wrong with their behavior until  after you’ve moved out… so your birthday gift this year is a sincere apology for all the mistakes I made that led to it.”

I would have preferred advice on how I was supposed to organize a decent birthday party on what my family could actually afford to spend… or so I felt at first. But  I convinced my uncle to give me a couple gallons of his homemade wine and 15 year olds don’t care about squalor if they can drink with their friends. Did she know the apology was what I really needed by prophecy, or by the normal wisdom that comes from having lived a full life?

In 2016 I was signed up for courses in business at the local university. , contemplating whether I wanted to be an accountant and be mostly bored, or do literally anything else and probably make less money. So when I got Babushka’s e-mail, it was a VERY welcome diversion!

Little Me  held hands with babushka as we stared into the tea leaves. 

“I am early” I said.

“I am late” she said

“Of early and late, all time can be forged” we recited together.

“Are you getting the vision? “ she asked?

“I think so… I see a man on TV Saying the moon will disappear in grabon ?”

“It’s Gabon. It’s in africa. I’ll tell you how eclipses work after now we need to focus… at the end of the news show…”

“TONIGHTS WINNING LOTTERY NUMBERS ARE 8 31 17 18 43 12. IF YOU DON'T PLAY YOU CAN’T WIN!” we recited together from the vision

“So now I’m going to be rich and wear a suit and live in a big house?”

“Well you are going to win the lottery so yes.”

“But those suits look ugly” 

“Then get whatever clothes you want. When you’re rich you can do that.”

“Will I need to live in a big house alone?” 

“What kind of house do you want to live in?”

“I want a big apartment building so I can live with all my friends!”

“Hrmm, investing in an apartment building really is a good idea. You should consider that option when you’re older”

I really really love my grandmother!!!

Dropping out of university and having daily Mimosas with breakfast  may not seem like the healthiest lifestyle choices, but hey if you’re dead babushka doesn’t send you an Email warning you not to, how bad can it be?

When I got home from the club  at 4am and saw an email waiting for me I was worried that maybe she did but the message just arrived too late.

Little Me  held hands with babushka as we stared into the tea leaves. 

“I am early” I said.

“I am late” she said

“Of early and late, all time can be forged” we recited together.

“Why am I giving myself a needle? Needles hurt!”

“I’m also seeing you visit the pyramids and ride camels. I think you took a vacation to Egypt and wanted to try heroin, I don’t think you become an addict.”

“What’s an addict?”

“Someone who gives themselves needles like that every day”

“That Girl is bad !!! we need to warn me about her!”

“Her name seems to be… Layla? Why do you think she’s bad?”

“She dances like a snake and ties me to the bed!!!”

“Hehehe yes she does. Adult John  remember Layla is a very naughty girl and take precautions. This Egyptian vacation is important. You may want to start learning about the local language, customs and laws now so you can make the most of it.”

I’m pretty sure these aren’t the sort of adventures normal young men share with their grandmothers, or the kind normal grandmothers approve of… But I trusted my babushka so I started my ‘homework assignment’ and read the Wikipedia page on the country before falling asleep.

“I’m not a feminist so I won’t demand to be an equal partner in everything. I’m not a christian so I’ll only be slightly angry if you decide to take on a second wife. I am however the granddaughter of a conservative muslim cleric and want to stay on good terms with jd so I will insist we get married before I do anything more physical with you” Layla said.

“... I really understand wanting to be close to your grandparents… I have some emails you should see before we decide what we want to do next.“ I replied.

Our wedding was a week later. One of the nice things about countries where a conservative plurality take their religion seriously is you can always find priests who understand why young people are desperate to marry very quickly.

“Remember how you made me promise to share all Babushkas e-mails?” I said

“YOU GOT A NEW ONE!!!... It’s probably just happy some christian holiday. Bring it to bed so I can go back to sleep easily if it’s not not important.” Layla replied so I brought the tablet over to our bed for her to see.

Little Me  held hands with babuska as we stared into the tea leaves. 

“I am early” I said.

“I am late” she said

“Of early and late, all time can be forged” we recited together.

“Babushka, what’s covid?”

“Corvid is a fancy word for crow”

“But they said covid”

“Ohh. you’re right. That must be the sickness everyone is getting”

“The airplanes are all in their houses sleeping?”

“I guess the government is restricting travel to control the virus? There is snow on the ground when the planes stop flying so it’s either January or February”

“Restaurants are closing and parks!”

“Most of the world will be closed for… it feels like 2 years?”

“Years are very long with no fun… when mommies have babies they get fat and can’t have  fun right?”

“Yes. it’s called pregnancy”

“I want to be a daddy . A mummy should make a baby for me when she can’t have fun anyway”

“Yes she should. Now I’m trying to find some  information to help adult you make money. Ahhh yes. Popular vaccines will be invented by Pfizer and Moderna.

“Ok. You must admit that video was not ‘Happy saint Lucifer's day’ I think you need to get up and help me look up the rules on short selling so we can maximize our profits on this” I said

“Short selling? Oh you mean the airlines of course… I was more taken by the other advice… Should we start our family? This seems to be when the opportunity cost would be lowest” 

“My parents were terrible because their self righteousness made them like drug addicts. Do you know what’s even more like a drug addict? An actual drug addict. If we have kids I’ll need to worry every time I light up a joint that it’s making me a bad dad. And not just with drugs. With everything. Once we have responsibilities no pleasure will be simple ever again. Do you understand?”

“I will obey you, my husband” 

“WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU’RE PREGNANT BECAUSE YOU STOPPED TAKING BIRTH CONTROL” I screeched then took deep breaths to calm down. “I explained to you why I didn’t want kids. You accepted that.”

“No. I merely promised to obey you”

“And how is this obeying me?!?!”

“The kid in the video is you. You told me this would be a good time to start a family. When My husband is divided against himself I side with the version of him that is acting less like a spoiled child”

Babushka knew. Whether she knew by prophecy or the wisdom from living a long life she was able to plan this.

I’m really really pissed with my grandmother!