Not on the Same Page

It’s been a long day. No. It’s been a long week. Work’s been crazy. I don’t remember when the job I loved so much became so overwhelming. Probably when the rest of my life spun out of control.

No. I shouldn’t think that. I’m being overdramatic. This isn’t such a big deal. I’m just tired. I’ve been through a lot worse than this last week. This is just a little obstacle. It’ll be over soon and then everything will go back to the way it was.

I try to drill that thought into my head as I fill a pot with water and put it on the stove. I feel a little better. I move on to washing the dishes from last night while I wait for the water to boil. I hear the door open and then close and Matt comes into the room. I can tell he’s in a good mood.

“Hey!” He says, coming up behind me and hugging me. I don’t turn around but I smile softly and return his greeting. 

“Hey. How was work?” I ask. 

“It was okay.” He says, “It wasn’t very busy so I spent most of the day getting everything in order for my replacement.”

“Replacement?” I ask, “You’ll only be gone six months. Why would you need a replacement?”

“Well,” he answers, “Someone has to do my work while I’m gone.”

I sigh. “I guess.” I look back down at the dishes. “Hey. Where’s Jason?”

“I let him go over to Andy’s house.” Matt says, going over to the table and sitting down. “He’s spending the night.”

I look over at him. “On a Monday?” 

“Well, yeah.” I think he can sense that I’m not thrilled about this.

“Matt, he has school tomorrow!” 

“It’s okay.” Matt says calmly. “They promised they’d go to sleep at a reasonable hour. That was our deal.”

“You know Jason won’t sleep away from home! He’s gonna be exhausted tomorrow!” Matt can see I’m panicking. He gets up and puts an arm around me, walking me back to the table. I sigh and sit down next to him. 

“Look,” He says, “Jason will be fine. I was actually hoping we could spend some time together. Just you and me.” He smiles at me. I try to smile back.

“That’s sweet.” I say, “But I’m worried about Jason. Did he say if he had any homework?”

Matt sighs. “He had some math. But he and Andy said they’d do it together. It’ll be okay.”

“I just wish you would’ve talked to me first. You’ve been making a lot of decisions without me lately.” I give him a look. He knows what I’m talking about. He winces.

“I know.” He says, “And that’s why I wanted to take you out to dinner tonight. To make up for that. For everything. And to thank you for being so great about Chicago.”

 I sigh and go back to the dishes. “I already started dinner.” 

“It’s not too late.” he says, “You’re just boiling water. Come on. Let’s go.”

I turn to him. “Matt. This is my only night off. I’m exhausted. I get what you’re trying to do, but let’s just stay here.” 

“Come on!” he tries again, taking my hand, “It’ll be fun!” I pull my hand away. 

“I just can’t believe you let Jason have a sleepover on a Monday!” Matt seems a little annoyed that I haven’t let this go. I do not care. 

“I’m sorry!” he says, “I just wanted to do something nice for you!”

I walk back over to the stove and turn the heat up. “How could you not know that I’d be upset about this?” 

“What do you want me to do?” Matt asks, throwing his hands up in the air. “Do you want me to call Charlotte and tell her I’m coming to get Jason?”

I sigh louder than I need to, so that he knows I’m upset. “Of course not! Then I’m the bad guy! Then Jason will be mad at me all night!”

“Okay,” Matt says. He’s doing that thing where he talks to me like I’m a child who’s having an unnecessary tantrum. I can never decide if it’s infuriating or comforting. “Then there isn’t much we can do about it. Right?”

He waits for my answer. I look away, putting my hands on the edge of the sink and leaning on them.

Matt goes on. “So, how about we just enjoy our night together. Okay? We’ll go out and you can get whatever you want. I’ll pay. It’ll be fun.” He smiles at me. I still don’t look at him. The skin on my hands is turning white from gripping the edge of the sink so hard. I just wish he would stop talking. I turn to him and slowly start moving toward him.

“So, we’ll go out and you’ll buy me fancy food. And I’ll probably drink a little too much and then we’ll go home and I’ll fall asleep. Right? And you won’t have to deal with the fact that you made yet another decision without me.” We’re inches apart now. I look up into his eyes. “Right? Isn’t that how it works?” I give him a smile which quickly fades into scowl.

He stares at me. He doesn’t know what to say. I watch the emotions run across his face. Confusion. Hurt. Understanding. Guilt. I don’t break eye contact and neither does he. When he finally speaks it comes out quiet. 

“This isn’t about Jason. Is it?” 

I finally break our eye contact and back away from him, putting some distance between us.

“Of course it’s not!” I shout. I surprise both of us with my volume. I keep going, a little softer this time. “You’re moving to Chicago, Matt! You didn’t even tell me until last week that you’re leaving me here to take care of our son by myself for six months!” 

Matt moves towards me and I back away. “You said we’d make it work.” He says, “You said you were okay with this.”

“Of course I’m not okay with this!” I walk over to the now boiling water and dump the box of pasta I had left on the counter into it. “I don’t have a clue how to make this work! But what else was I supposed to say, Matt? I can’t deny you your dreams!” I sit down in one of the chairs at the table. “Especially since you’ve given up so much for me.”

He sits next to me, putting a hand on my shoulder. “Hey,” he says, “Anything I’ve given up for you, I did it ‘cause I wanted to. And if I had known you felt this way, I wouldn’t have taken the job.”

I look at him. “You took the job without telling me!” I shout, standing up and walking to the other side of the room. Matt follows me. 

“No!” he says, “I applied for the job without telling you! I told you when I got it. I still could’ve backed out if you wanted me too.” 

I turn to face him. “And what does that make me?” I ask. “The person who told you that you couldn’t go get this job that you so obviously want?”

Matt takes my hand and pulls me closer to him. “You and Jason matter more to me than any job.” he says, “Just say the word and I’ll call it all off.”

I try to read his face. He means that. I shake my head. “You can’t just do that, Matt.”

“Sure I can.”

“You’ll lose the job you have now.”

“I’ll find a new job.”

I smile. “You’re crazy.”

He smiles back at me. “I know.”

I’m tempted to give in. To tell him I want him to stay. We look at each other for a long time. He’s daring me to make him stay. And I know he’d do it in a heartbeat. But I can’t let him. I sigh. 

“No. I refuse to be the reason you’re unhappy years later. You have to do this. You’re going to do this.”

I can see the conflicting emotions on his face. I said what he wanted me to say. There’s some relief in his eyes, mixed with a little bit of worry. He’s not sure he believes me. I’m not sure I believe me. 

Matt pulls me into a tight hug. “You’re sure?” he asks, pulling back so that we’re face to face.

I smile weakly. “Yeah. Yeah, we’re gonna be fine.” I’m trying to convince myself more than him. “I mean, look at my mom. She raised five kids on her own. I can take care of one by myself for six months. That’s nothing!” I laugh half-heartedly.

“Yeah.” Matt agrees, “And your mom could help out. And Danny said he and Sara could have Jason over on your busy days.”

“And Cyndi could babysit, probably.” I add. 

“Exactly!” Matt says. He’s smiling big now. He’s so excited. Then his face gets serious again. “But if you’re gonna be too overwhelmed, I get that.”

“No.” I put on my most convincing smile. “I mean, I’ll miss you. But I’ll be okay. Sorry I got so freaked out. I’m good now. Why don’t we watch a movie or something and eat dinner on the couch?”

He smiles at me. “Okay.” he says, “That sounds perfect.” He kisses me lightly on the lips. “I’ll go get the couch ready.” He bounces off to the living room. Matt isn’t a bouncy guy. He’s just that excited.

“Great.” I say to no one as he leaves. I sigh and walk over to the stove. The oven timer goes off, telling me that the pasta is done. I take it off the stove and drain it. While I let it cool down, I get some vegetables from the fridge and start chopping them. I would’ve made a sauce while the pasta was cooking, but I got distracted talking to Matt. 

I feel like crying. It’s not even that Matt’s leaving me alone to take care of Jason for six months. He’s my son. I can take care of him. Sure, with work and everything it’s a little overwhelming, but I can make it work.

It’s more how Matt’s handling it. Matt and I have always had strong mutual trust. We tell each other everything. We’ve never had secrets. We’ve never had a reason to keep anything from each other. But then, out of nowhere, he tells me about this job he applied for months ago without saying anything to me. Ever since then, there’s been a disconnect between us. We’re not on the same page anymore and neither of us are quite saying what we mean. He didn’t tell me because he knew I would be upset. I can’t move to Chicago. I have a life here. I love my job here. He knows that.

And it’s not like I couldn’t convince him to stay. He would stay for me. I know he would. But I can’t just tell him he can’t go. I couldn’t live with myself. Relationships are a give and take. Now it’s my turn to give. That’s fine. I can do that. So if he’s going to stay, he has to decide that on his own. But he heard me say that I was okay with him going, so he’s going to go.

The thing is, Matt knows me better than anyone else. He can see through all my fake smiles and he knows how to catch me in a lie. He knows that when I tell him I’m okay with this, I’m lying. I’m lying because I can’t tell him no. I know that he knows that and he’s pretending he doesn’t. So that way, he can calm his conscience knowing that I said I was fine with him going, even though we both know I’m not. 

And I know I need to let him do this. This is something he wants so much and I’ll never forgive myself if he doesn’t do it. But I still can’t help it if it hurts that he’s pretending he doesn’t know how hard this is for me.