Pregnant Pause

Have we met before?

Your memory decrescendoed   

Does that mean yes or no?

Tell me what you think.  

(A pregnant pause.   If the reader doesn’t know what that means, look up the word pregnant in the dictionary or dictionary.com)

I think I don’t understand the word decrescendo means.  

Ok, then what do you do for a living?

Answer my question first.  What does decrescendo mean?

Fine. Decrescendo means to slowly decrease in volume.   Did you understand decrease?

Yes.  Of course.  

Now, what did you do for a living?

Something’s wrong.  

Something’s wrong with what; your memory.  

No, something’s wrong.  You shouldn’t be needing the answer to these questions.  Shit.  Where am I?  Who are you?   Wait.   (Woman feels bra straps on her shoulders and looks at her laced shoes).   Not in the psyche ward.  Good.   Next scenario.   Am I under arrest?   Is this the interrogation room?   You a cop?

No.   I’m not a cop.  This isn’t an interrogation.   You’re not under arrest.   This is being documented, but not recorded.  You don’t need an attorney.   You can talk to your case manager for any legal concerns.  

So I AM in the psyche ward.   You’re a nurse then?

I’m a nurse, but this ain’t the looney bin.   Look, I’ll allow you to talk to your case manager, but first I need you to answer these questions.  

Why?   Why you need me to answer. . . 

(Sighs).   For the SOAP notes.  Your insurance company wants me to fill out SOAP notes.   

(She sniffs her armpits, then looks at the nurse).   I smell fine.   I don’t need soap. 

No, that’s a different kind of soap    SOAP, in medicine, stands for “Subjective, Objective, Analysis, Plan.”  

Sounds like I’d need an attorney 

It’s just for billing purposes and to see how or if you’re improving.  

Ok.  

Now, what do you do for a living?

(10 second pregnant pause, at least it wasn’t 9 months.)

Um, I can’t think of it, but I know I did something.   Money don’t grow on trees.  

Ok.  (Jots it down).  Where do you live?

Um . . . You mean what city, state, country?

No, I mean are you homeless, do you rent an apartment, own a home?

I think I own a home.  

Ok.  What’s your address?

(Pregnant pause.   Then, looks for pockets in his hospital gown and discovers there aren’t any pockets.).  It’s on my license.   Wait, someone robbed me.  I had cash in there and credit cards, photos.  

Your case manager will explain it to you.   No one robbed you.   Can you recall your address without looking at your license?

No.  

Ok. (Jots down).  If you came to your house and saw the door was opened and you knew you had locked it when you left and knew no one should be in your home, what would you do?

(Pregnant pause).  I don’t know.  That’s never happened.  

Great.  Are you married, dating, single?

If I have a house, I must be married, right?

Ok.   Do you have any kids?

(Pregnant pause).  You mean, like, donkeys?  

No, like offspring.  Babies, children, little ones?

Um, I guess we must.  That must be why we bought a house.  I live in a house?

You already answered that question.   How many children do you have?

I guess 5.  

Ok.  Are they boys or girls?

Yes.  

How many boys and how many girls?

Equal amount of boys and girls.  

Ok. How old are they?

Five. 

All of them or just one of them?

Five of them.  

Five of them are five?

Yes.  

Ok.  

What’s your husband’s name?

I don’t recall.  

How long have you been married?

I don’t know

(More writing).  What country are we in right now?

The USA

Ok.  And what state are you in?

I’m in a state of confusion.  

That’s true, but which of the 50 states are we in?  

I don’t know.  

Do you know what city you’re in?

Generosity. 

Ok.  

How old are you?

42

Ok.  What year were you born?

This year minus 42.  

Right.   Can you recall what year that was?

No, I guess you’re not good at math, either.  

Right.  Do you know what you’re doing in the hospital?

I’m interning?

Ok. Interning for what?

I don’t know.  

Let me try this again.  For what medical reason are you in a hospital?

I must be pregnant again?

Ok.  How long ago did you get pregnant?

Nine months ago, or else I wouldn’t be in a hospital, silly.  

Ok.  

What season is it?

“It’s wabbit season. “

Ok.  What’s your name?

I don’t know.  

Tell me something you knows you know.  

Like what?

Anything that you know 

X = ~ b + ~ square root b squared - 4 a c / 2 a

Ok.  That’s true.  What do you know about what’s happening here?  Anything.  

My husband’s here.  

Ok, how do you know that?

He made special arrangements for me to get my meals served to me in bed.   Good foods too.  

Right.  Your husband did that just for you.  

Yeah.  

No one else here but you get this service, right?

There are other people here?

You tell me.   

Wait.   This must be a stay at home hospital care.  

Okay.  

Tell me, are you the midwife or the wet nurse?

I’m a nurse, but not a wet nurse.   Look, technically I’m not supposed to disagree with you, but you’re not pregnant.  

I had a miscarriage?

No, you weren’t pregnant and aren’t pregnant.  

Then why are you, a nurse, here?

I’d explain it to you, but you’d just forget in five minutes. 

Did he put you up to this?

Who?

My husband.  

No.  He didn’t.  

Wait, did you say I had a husband or did I?

You did.  Look, we’re almost done with this assessment.  Where do you plan to go after you’re dismissed from this . . . Place.  

The bathroom.  

The bathroom where?

That’s what my question is too?

Ok, we have to stop this interview for a few moments while I show you where the toilet is.   Also, I believe you still need assistance in this ADL, right?

You have AOL in here?

Never mind.   I’ll have to transfer you into a wheelchair.   Good.   Now, we’ll roll you in there.  

Sure, we can do each other’s make up.  

Right.  Make up.   Right.  

(Wheels her in.   Starts to undress her). The hell are you doing?  

I’m helping you with an ADL, so you don’t hurt yourself.  

You think I don’t remember how to shit in a toilet or are you a dyke?

I’m a heterosexual.  This is just my job as a nurse.