The Speed of Light

The flames from the fire in front of us danced in the summer moonlight and cast shadow puppets across the silky smooth canvas of our tents. They were filled with the soft snores of our friends who had finally succumbed to the days tiring events of hiking and setting up camp. Grace and I were the only two remaining. While the warm cocoon of my sleeping bag sounded pleasant, I wasn’t going to be the first to leave. There were things I needed to say. We sat next to each other, but not close enough to touch; both of us perched on the fallen tree that now had a newfound purpose as a bench. It was a Cedar tree, so the bark was smooth to the touch and didn’t dig into your thighs like douglas fir did with it’s deep set valleys that rubbed your skin raw. I picked at the cedar and tore strips away like jerky to play with while the fire entranced us, wrapping the strips around my finger until they resembled a spring, then pitched them into the fire to watch the hairy bark singe at the edges and then burn brightly. Grace and I had been friends for a long time so we were comfortable in silence, but it was far from quiet in these woods. The night noises surrounded us. These insomniac creatures who dwell behind the curtain of the night all contributed to the symphony that played for only those who could stay awake, those who preferred to dream with their eyes open.

 I kept fidgeting with the bark, scratching my stubble, and running my hands through my hair, all the while telling myself to man up and tell her. I stole glances at her next to me. She had her hair up in a messy bun with two strands that dangled down and perfectly framed her face. Her dark brown eyes seemed black against the orange glow of the fire. She had my fleece blanket over her long cricket legs and she wore a baggy sweatshirt over her athletic body to keep the chill at bay. Each of us kept a beer close to our lips as we had been since the sun was high in the sky. The fire licked at our toes that we constantly threatened to burn, inching them closer to the fire and then retreating when the heat was too much to bare. The cool of the dirt quenched the heat and then we would repeat the cycle.

While we were content to sit together and not say a word, I had something on my mind, something that I felt could either ruin us, or bring us closer together. I had been wrestling with my attraction to Grace, wondering if it simply was that, attraction, or something more, something like the infinitely more terrifying feeling of love. Over the long camping holiday I had decided to try and get to the bottom of it. Not by acting on my feelings, but by being hyper aware of them. Like I hired a Personal Investigator on myself I sought to objectively discover what these feelings meant. What I hadn’t considered was asking a third party their perspective on the matter. Turns out, I didn’t have to ask, for they brazenly broached the subject with me. As I devised a way to speak to Grace by the fire, I thought back on a conversation with my best friend Miles earlier that day.

Miles kept pace with me on the trail as we hiked down towards the lake where we would set up camp. I hadn’t revealed any of these thoughts about Grace to him and I hadn’t intended on doing so. I feared that he might make fun of me, or worse, reveal that he too had feelings for Grace and then we would be at odds, forever wondering what each others intentions were when she was around.

Grace and the others had gone up ahead as Miles and I took in a beautiful view of the valley we walked through. The trail cut through the side of a steep hill so we leaned up against the sloped side, the bottoms of our packs now resting on it which gave our shoulders some relief. Before us was a field of knee high grass, wildflowers and weeds. Out here nothing needed to be manicured to be beautiful, unlike back home where allowing ones yard to resemble anything like this would be deemed negligent and disruptive to the community. So much about society is molding oneself into something that is so far from natural that we don’t even recognize who we truly are anymore. Only by stepping away from all of that and retreating to nature can we begin to shed those facades and discover the desires of our secret heart. Was my attraction to Grace simply a biproduct of trying to adhere to societal norms? I’m a man, she’s a woman, we both spend considerable amounts of time together, maybe we should just get together? I was hoping that this trip would help clear that up, but so far I was still at a loss. The field sloped all the way down to the sapphire blue lake about a half mile away. The breeze sent ripples through the grass which gave the impression that it was not a field we were looking at, but rather a neon green sea with swelling waters. I closed my eyes and let the wind ruffle my hair and fill my lungs with the sweet smells of earth, dandelions, and fresh wild air.

“It’s good to finally get the hell out of the city isn’t it?” Miles said as he took a drink from his water bottle.

“I never want to go back.” I said.

Miles laughed. “I like to think that. But after a few days I start to miss home. Not the city life, but home, you know?” He said, speaking his thoughts and trying to make sense of them.

“I just enjoy stripping it all away. The walls we put up, the comforts we rely on to get through the day, being the person people expect you to be.”

Miles nodded, “Yeah well, I hate to break it to you man, but you’re pretty much the same person out here.”

“Really? Not any difference? ‘Cause I feel like a different person out here.” I said.

“Sure, you seem more relaxed of course. Like the pressure is off. You seem lighter and happier. But you’re still the guy I’ve always known.” He took another drink and sighed deeply. “Yup, you’re still the nice guy, still the deep thinker,” he paused and looked out across the valley, then he turned to look at me, “still the one whose hopelessly in love with Grace and won’t admit it to yourself or your best friend” He grinned mischievously. 

“I'm sorry? What did you say?” I quickly lifted my pack and faced Miles, preparing to defend myself against such an outlandish accusation. I didn’t know if I was in love with her, I was still figuring that out. What did he know?

“Don’t try to deny it, you know what I mean. I’ve been wanting to call you out for so long, but I was waiting to see if you would just man up and tell her or tell me or anyone. But I cant stand it any longer. I was going to wait at least a day into the trip, but screw it. Now is as good a time as ever to talk about it.”

I was suddenly confronted with the reality that others knew concretely about feelings I had only just started to diagnose. How could that be? As I assessed this new found information I could only gawk at Miles, like a loading bar on the computer stuck at 98%.

“See I knew it. You can’t even come back with anything because you know it’s true.” Miles said.

I finally snapped out of it and said, “How do you know it’s true? I could just be attracted to her physically.”

“Bro she’s hot, there’s no doubt about that. But I don’t look at her like nothing else in the world matters, I don’t go out of my way to help her with whatever she needs, I don’t daydream about making babies and a life with her.” He teased.

“I don’t do that, I mean, she’s my friend, she’s our friend. I’m just doing what friends do, I’m not trying to get with her, I never have.”

“Oh I know you haven’t and it’s to all of our detriment. We have to live in this weird liminal space. The space between knowing and not knowing. Pretending that you two aren’t made for each other. Right now you’re like Schrodinger’s cat. Both alive and dead. But for the rest of us it kind of sucks to have to tip toe around that all of the time.”

I began to walk again on the trail and Miles followed closely behind me. My brain was going into over drive, trying to talk myself out of this. Saying the words love and Grace out loud in the same sentence made everything seem more real, and the very fact that I was having a hard time with it being real was beginning to feel like the proof that I was looking for to confirm that these weren’t just feelings of lust, they were much more serious.

“It sucks because we all want this for both of you, man.”

“Oh yeah? And how do you know what she wants?” I asked.

“I’ve been friends with her as long as I’ve been friends with you, I know it. You two have this magnetism that’s different from the rest of us. It’s undeniable from where we all stand,” he paused again, sighed and then went on, “but listen, you gotta tell her on this trip. This could be your last chance.”

I was still trying to work through these revelations but got caught on those last few words, “What do you mean, ‘the last chance?'”

“Well, she’s sad, I can see that she’s losing a bit of hope that you’re ever going to come around. She started talking to me about getting on Hinge and Tinder and stuff. But I can tell she doesn’t want to, her heart is definitely not in it.”

How could it be so obvious to everyone? “If she was so in love with me then why wouldn’t she come out and say it?” I asked defiantly.

“Why won’t you?” Miles said.

I marched on, unsure of how to respond to that. Laying this all out seemed to reveal the staggering truth, that I was in love with Grace after all.

How could I have been so dumb? Grace was beautiful, smart, gregarious and ambitious. I’m sure she had guys lining up to get with her. What did I think she was just going to be single forever? Wait for me to come to a conclusion about my feelings after an exhaustive years long study?

Then the dam broke. I realized in that moment that I had simply been denying my feelings, not misunderstanding them and once I allowed those thoughts to sincerely enter my heart it all became clear. Suddenly everything became much more urgent, and losing her was not something I could fathom.

“You’re right. I-I am in love with her…” I said to Miles.

“No shit sherlock.” Miles retorted.

Suddenly I was panicking, and taking in great gulps of air as the world began to spin around me. I steadied myself on the sloping grassy hill to catch my breath.

“Whoa whoa, easy man.” Miles said handing me his water bottle. “Here, drink this.”

I took a swig and poured a little on my head. “I can’t lose her.” I said.

“Don’t worry, there’s still time. Lucky for you she doesn’t have wifi so those tinder bros will be left on read.” Miles joked, trying to get a laugh out of me.

I stood up, re-adjusted my shoulder straps and started to put one foot in front of the other down the trail that began it’s descent from the wide open field into the dense forest filled with towering evergreen trees.

“What are you going to do?” Miles said as he practically jogged to keep up with me now. My stride matched my new found sense of purpose. We entered the canopy of trees. It was cool and shady under the protection of the towering ancient green giants. Miles was right, I had strong feelings for Grace, and with nothing else to muddle my mind I only had one thing left to do.

“I’m going to tell her. Tonight.” I said.

Miles didn’t say anything more, but I didn’t need eyes in the back of my head to know that he was grinning from ear to ear.

That conversation seemed like it was days ago, not just that morning. Grace and I sat there, alone by the fire, as I tried to figure out a way to tell her how I felt without sounding like an idiot but I realized we had been quiet for a while. Thankfully, Grace spoke up.

“You ever wish you didn’t know certain things about the world?” She said.

“Not really, no.” I said.

She smiled at me and said, “Of course you don’t. You love being the smarty pants.” She took a drink from the Heineken in her hand that was a chartreuse color in the light of the flames. “It just doesn’t feel like anything is mystical or magical anymore. We know too much.”

“I’m sure there are plenty of things you don’t know.” I said, as the secret I held burned to get out of me.

“Yes, there are. But I rarely find myself wondering about the world as I used to when I was a kid. There’s an explanation for everything these days. Nothing seems unanswerable.”

I loved this about her. She was whimsical, adventurous and at times irrational. Things my logical brain couldn’t always understand. I couldn’t wrap my head around her at times, and that mystery was alluring.

“What made you think of this?” I asked.

She looked up into the night sky and my gaze followed hers. Together we craned our necks and peered into the universe. Our view of the stars was framed by the tips of the evergreens that surrounded us and without the light pollution the stars put on a show. The millions of pin pricks in the black vastness of space were equally beautiful and terrifying. Some found solace in realizing their insignificance against the immensity of the known universe, but there was no comfort for me, only a heightened awareness of the short time I have left here on Earth.

“Well, for instance. When we look at a star that is a thousand light years away, we are seeing it as it was a thousand years ago, because that’s how long the light took to reach us. So essentially, we are seeing it in the past, and that’s the only state we will ever see it in unless we were to actually go there. Isn’t that sad?”

It was sad indeed. Sad that the light took so long to reach us. What could we know or experience if we were seeing everything as it was right now? All we would need to do is move closer and venture out into the unknown. I feared that I had been viewing my own life in lightyears. Choosing to see things in the past as they were, not as they currently are. I looked from the stars in the sky over to Grace who kept her neck arched to the heavens and I scooted a little bit closer to her.

“I mean, there really is nothing we can do to adjust our view, so at the end of the day what we see is what we get. It’s the knowing that gets me.” She said.

“I think knowing things has it’s advantages.” I replied as I watched the stars swim in her eyes. “Like, knowing what these balls of gas in space are and how we see them leaves little room for the imagination, so we don’t have to waste more time and energy trying to understand that part of them. But there are still mysteries out there. We’ve turned over one rock on the beach but there are millions more.”

That brought her back down to Earth, and she looked at me with her pupils as big as dimes that reflected the world around us. I could get lost in those worlds. The harder I looked, the more I saw, and they all contained me.

“I guess I hadn’t considered that. What other things would be good for me to know?” She asked as she broke eye contact with me and stared down at the bark on the tree bench that she was now picking at like I had been.

The moment I was waiting for seemed to be here. I was no longer looking at a supernova in the past, I was experiencing the birth of the whole damn universe right now. I let the feelings flood in and the moment take control. She looked up at me and somehow our faces were closer. The polarization had flipped, and the attraction was undeniable. There were so many things to be said, and at the same time nothing. For we both knew what these feelings were, and everything in that moment could be summed up with something the universe a’int got shit on: a kiss. The stars disappeared, the world became smaller, in fact, everything that that ever seemed to matter, now and forever, was tightly wrapped in my arms.