Some Kind of After

Day 17

Only five people came today, three fewer than last week. I think they’re moving on; I’m proud of them, but also a bit scared - what am I going to do when they stop coming? Who am I meant to hang out with? Everyone here is old and not with the times, if you know what I mean. They don’t talk to me much, they don’t really talk to anyone, really, it’s a little sad.

day 19

There were only two people today. I’m getting scared, I don’t think they’re coming back after this. I miss my friends and my family. They all came on the first day. It was nice to see that so many people cared. Now I feel more alone than ever. I was so excited when I woke up here, but it gets more and more dull as the days go by. I feel less and less alive than ever. I hate it. No one will talk to me.

day 25

No one’s here. They all left me; they never came to see me. That’s okay, I understand. I wouldn’t come anymore either; they need to move on, and I can respect that. But it still hurts.

day 30

There was a little girl here today talking to her mum. I know her mum, she’s a nice lady. And her daughter looks like she’s going to be a kind person, I’m glad. I’m glad she still gets to talk to her mum sometimes. I wish I could talk to my mum.

day 35

One of the other people talked to me, named Billy or something, and he seemed sad. I don’t think he was meant to be here, but then again, neither am I. He told me about his life. He said he was at school and met a really pretty person called Azazel, apparently, they were a menace, but he loved them. I respect that. My partner is a menace, but I love him. I wonder if he still loves me. I miss him.

day 40

I met someone else today who’s stuck here. He seems a lot older than me. He said his name was Adrian or something? I don’t remember that he had a really old accent. Guess what, he had a boyfriend too, but they lived in secret, no one knew about their relationship. It seemed cute. I wonder if he still gets to see his boyfriend. I wonder if there’s anyone left to visit him?

day 45

I finally made a friend, their a little shy and quiet, but kind enough, they keep telling me something about red eyes? Poor dude, they must have been through a lot. And he keeps talking about someone called Micah. I think they’re a father figure to my new friends. I wish my dad would come to see me. I wonder if Micah comes to see my friend.

day 50

I’m starting to get bored. I guess that’s good in a way. I’ve stopped expecting people to visit, and I’ve made a few friends. I miss my old friends, of course I do, how couldn’t I? But honestly, this isn’t so bad.

day 55

There’s someone new here today. She’s really loud. It took the others ages to get her to stop yelling and explain where she was. She told us she needed to find her sister, and my heart broke. Everyone always says something like that when they get here, and it always hurts.

day 60

I was wrong about that girl; her sister is actually here too. She seems a little calmer, though. I think they’re identical twins; they’re giving off goth energy as well. They seem really cool, I might go talk to them.

day 65

Turns out there are two more boys who came with the twins from the other day. Charlie and someone else, I can’t remember. They seem okay, the guy I forgot the name of is really sad, though. I was, too, at first, but he’ll get better, I hope.

day 70

I’m bored again, there’s nothing to do. Billy finally left. I’m so happy for him, and my new friend won’t talk (I think they’re losing it, big time), that’s okay. That big group of four that came here won’t talk to anyone else either, like some secret club. It’s sweet, I’m glad they’re supporting each other.

day 75

My boyfriend came to see me today. He said, “The last time we kissed, I thought I would see you again. If I had known what you had planned to do that night, I wouldn’t have left. I would have hugged you longer and kissed you more. I would have dragged you down onto the couch, so we could cuddle and watch your favourite movie. Baby, you should have told me, I could have helped you, if you had told me, I would still be able to kiss you.” Well, he said more than that, but I can’t be bothered to write it. God, it stung hearing him say that stuff. He shouldn’t have to suffer like this, not for me. God, I wish he had broken up with me that night, maybe this would have hurt less, maybe. God, now I feel horrible. I wish I could hug him. My poor boy. My sweet Josh.

day 80

Josh was here again today. He keeps talking to me. I wish I could talk back. I wish I could tell him that I love him and I’m okay. I wish he could see me. He told me, “I hope you are happy, Baby,” and I couldn’t help but cry. I want to tell him I love you and I’m sorry.

day 85

My mum came to see me. I was happy until she told me what happened… Josh died. He killed himself. It’s all my fault.

day 90

They buried Josh near me; he’s so quiet. I hope he comes out soon. I want to see him, even if it’s for a second before he leaves me forever. I just want to tell him I’m sorry.

day 95

He arrived yesterday, Josh. He stayed, he’s here with me, I was thrilled for a little and so was he. I got to hug him again and apologise. He apologised too. But now I just feel numb, he’s dead, we’re dead, he’s dead because of me. I’m the reason my boyfriend killed himself, and I’ve never felt more horrible.

day 100

It’s been 100 days since I killed myself, 10 since Josh joined me here. The graveyard is peaceful and quiet. It’s not exactly the life I was expecting, but I think we’re going to be okay. Just me and Josh, for the rest of eternity.

signing off forever,

Ace