Party Anxiety

The last party I went to was my friend Hailey’s high school graduation. That was four years ago. There were about four graduation parties happening on the same day. I couldn’t wait to attend my friend Hailey’s party. I put on my spring blue flower dress and drove to my friends house. I pulled up to the house and parked in the street. The street was lined with cars already. I know that I wasn’t early. I hopped out of my car and walked to the house. When I stepped into the party I already noticed something was off, but I brushed that feeling away. I didn’t recognize anyone, but I just thought they were family from another state. I was definitely wrong. It wasn’t until I was finishing up dinner when I noticed the banner. The banner read, “Courtney’s Grad Party.” Courtney was not my friend. I don't even know a Courtney. I ran out of that party like my life depended on it. 

I hopped into my car and drove away. I should know where Hailey lives, but oddly this time I had no idea. I put in Hailey’s address into my GPS. I followed my GPS until I pulled up to a house. The street was empty. Only two cars in the driveway. Something felt off. I hope this is the right address, but where is everyone? I climbed out of my car and sauntered to the door. I rang the doorbell. I waited. It was quiet. I rang the doorbell again. The door flew open, Hailey stood there with a questionable expression on her face, “what are you doing here?” I smiled, “I am here for the party!” Hailey shook her head, “my party isn’t until next Saturday. You are a week early.” I hit my palm to my forehead, “oops. This is embarrassing.” My face was bright red. I slowly turned around and power walked to my car. I attended a wrong party and I was a week early.

I hate going to parties. I promised I would never attend another party. I wouldn’t even plan or have a party. I had my embarrassing moments at parties and I do not want to repeat those moments again. Parties are for the social butterflies who love to talk to other people even if those people are strangers. I hate the crowd. Crowded places give me anxiety. There are so many people and I don’t know where to start. Should I talk to people or find food first? Parties require me to get out of my comfort zone and actually talk to people. I hate talking about myself. My life is boring. I do not go on any trips. I work as a receptionist at a carpet store and even that gives me anxiety. I actually hate talking in general. I hate being the center of attention. If I could sit at home under a blanket and read a romantic book I wouldn’t complain. 

My cousin Lauren just got engaged. She sent out an invitation to an engagement party. I know that it will be family and friends at this party. I love my cousin with all my heart, but having me attend this party is like throwing me on stage at a Beyoncé concert. I have to speak to my family. Which doesn’t bother me, but it does since I only see my family every so often. The question that always has to be asked, ‘why are you still single? Or when are you getting married?’ I do not need to explain why I haven’t found the right guy. The party is for Lauren and her fiancé. No one came to see me. I am not the one who is throwing this party, but yet I am forced to talk to my family and explain my life. I know if I go and hide in a corner that wouldn’t be right. I would love to hide in a corner because then I wouldn’t have to talk to anyone.

Did I mention I hate crowds? I hate parties and yet here I am about to walk into a house full of people who I may or may not know. My heart is racing, my heart feels like it is popping out of my chest like a cartoon. My hands are sweaty and shaking. I closed my eyes shut. The worst case scenario ran through my mind. I remembered four years ago I walked into the wrong party. I will never forget that day, I pulled up to the house and parked in the street. The street was lined with cars already. I know that I wasn’t early. I hopped out of my car and walked to the house. When I stepped into the party I already noticed something was off, but I brushed that feeling away. I didn’t recognize anyone, but I just thought they were family from another state. I was definitely wrong. It wasn’t until I was finishing up dinner when I noticed the banner. The banner read, “Courtney’s Grad Party.” Courtney was not my friend. I don't even know a Courtney. I ran out of that party like my life depended on it. I closed my eyes shut. Then I open my eyes again and I am standing on the porch again.

Thousands of questions filling my mind. What if I forget who I am? What if I can’t remember my job? What if I am at the wrong party? What if I got the dates mixed up? What if I wasn’t supposed to be invited? What if I can’t remember anyone’s name? What if I stumble on my words and make no sense? What if my clothes are too casual? Am I wearing clothes? Where are my keys? Where is my phone? Oh my goodness I am having a panic attack and I am not even in the house yet. I slowly walk backwards away from the front door. I sprint to my car down the street. I hopped into my car and let out a deep breath that I didn’t realize I was holding. I close my eyes and count to ten, “1...2...3...4…5...” Deep breath, “...6...7...8...9...10.” 

A slow pressure built inside my chest. Tears start running down my cheeks. I didn’t realize going to a party would be this difficult. I take a deep breath in and let it out. Positive thoughts are all I need at this moment. I grab the tissue box from the passenger seat. I wipe away the tears, but my makeup is now on the tissue. Great just what I need. Luckily I brought my makeup with me. I use the sun visor mirror to reapply my eyeshadow, eyeliner and mascara. I take a deep breath and take one last look. I slowly get out of my car and saunter toward the house again. I stopped. Did I lock my car? I turn around and walk back to my car. I took my keys out of my bag and hit the lock until I heard the car locked sound. I let out a sigh of relief.

I turn back toward the house and amble my way back to the house. At each step I take a deep breath and think positive thoughts. I have to think positive or I may never get into this party. I know Lauren is counting on me to be at this party. I am doing this for her. I am going to this party to celebrate her happiness. I step in front of the door. I reach for the door handle, but pull away. A small positive voice spoke, “You can do this! I have faith in you! I am a strong independent woman who can achieve her anxiety. This anxiety for this party will not define me!” I take a deep breath and reach for the door handle. I turned the handle and pushed open the door.

Loud music and conversation chatter fill my ears. I stood in the doorway looking around the room. There were some faces I recognized right away, but then there were some faces I did not recognize. Children running between people to catch each other. Three dogs chasing the children. I pushed my way through the crowded hallway while searching for Lauren. I heard my name being called, “Amelia!!” I spun around to see a familiar face. I smiled, “Hi, Aunt Pam, How are you?” She wrapped her arms around me, “It is good to see you dear, I am doing good. Can you believe that Lauren is getting married? Are you seeing anyone?” I bit my bottom lip, “no Aunt Pam, I am not seeing anyone.” A knot in my stomach appeared. Aunt Pam continued to talk, but I couldn’t hear her anymore. My mind started racing and my vision became blurry. I looked around the room trying to find the best way to end this conversation. I couldn’t come up with any ideas. Finally Aunt Pam hugged me and turned on her heels. I let out a deep breath that I didn’t know I was holding. 

After my Aunt disappeared into the crowd, my Uncle James, my Uncle Brian, my cousin Sarah, and my cousin Theresa saw me. They each greeted me with smiles and hugs. I stood frozen in my spot. Answering those dreaded questions, “are you seeing anyone? When will you get married? Do you want me to introduce you to someone?” I looked around trying to figure out what my next move should be. 

After a few minutes, I excused myself and continued walking until I reached the kitchen. The kitchen was painted a light peach color. Dark cabinets matched the granite counters. Drinks piled the counters ranging from water to soda to alcohol. Red solo cups stacked high next to the drinks. The island was filled with snack bowls. Each bowl had a different snack. My stomach made a grumbly sound. The kitchen was quiet. There were zero people. I relaxed as I took a plate from the island and piled pretzels, chips and dip, fruit, and pigs in a blanket. Then I filled a red solo cup with water. I stood in the doorway between the kitchen and the hallway. Where should I sit? Should I find someone I know and join them, but then I have to actually talk to someone. Ugh. This is going to be a long party. 

I started walking down the hallway pushing through the crowd. Smiling at familiar faces. I made a right turn into the family room. Nerves running through my body. I found an empty seat next to my cousin Olivia. I walked over to her, “is the seat next to you taken?” Olivia’s face lit up like a Christmas tree when she saw me, “Amelia I didn’t think you were going to be here?” I sat down putting my plate on my lap, “Yes, I finally decided to come to show my face.” Olivia giggled, “I understand, it has been difficult for me to come to one of these parties.” My anxiety started to calm down now. I love talking to Olivia because her and I are the same age and have the same interests. Olivia is a first grade teacher and loves her job. She told me stories about her teaching job. Oliva loves working with younger children and the stories are funny. 

Olivia asked me, “how are you doing? I feel like I haven’t seen you since...four years ago.” I sat in my seat and froze. How am I doing? Well let me think. Hmmm. Oh no. Oh wait I know how I am doing. I smiled, “I am good. I am busy with work. Other than that nothing else is going on.” I don’t think that was enough. I have to think about something else. What else have I been doing? I heard a squeal enter the room. I turned my head to see a tall brunette woman running towards me. Her arms wrapped around my body, “Oh My Gosh!! You made it!! Isn’t this exciting.” I smiled, “Hey Lauren, it is nice to see you. Congratulations!!” Lauren smiled, “thank you so much!! I can’t believe I am getting married!” I took a sip of my water, “neither can I. Is there anything I can help you with right now?” Lauren shook her head, “no not really, but thank you.” Now that Lauren was with me, my body relaxed and I started to enjoy the party. I was no longer nervous to walk around the house to get more food. The dreaded questions about my romantic life no longer lingered on anyone’s lips. I finally felt comfortable and a sense of belonging.

In the beginning, I thought I wasn’t going to make it through the door. I am so glad I opened the door to this party. Sitting around talking to family and friends feels comforting. I know I will always have anxiety before going to any party, but I just have to remember that if I don’t get out of my comfort zone then I will never experience these amazing memories. I get to create a bond with my family that will always be in my heart.