Holes in the Sky

I gazed up at the deep blue tapestry above, dotted with holes filled with the most beautiful spoonfuls of light. Who poked those holes? Who filled them with the dripping light? There were so many questions to ask, so many things to figure out. Who painted the sky in the day, and blew the clouds across the horizon? So many questions. Lastly, why did I leave Him?

"Mommy!" A cry came from the kitchen.

I rushed in to see my youngest daughter, Elaine, propping the bowl of dry ingredient for the brownies above her head against the counter, trying not to let it fall. I briskly walked over and took the bowl from her extended arm and set it down. 

"What happened?" I inquired, holding back a laugh. 

My eldest daughter, Harper, ran into the room and put her hands to her head. 

"Thank goodness, Elaine! Mom would've been..." She trailed off when she saw me standing by the fridge. "Hey, mom!"

"Harper, what was Elaine doing with the brownie mix?" I said, stiff but not mean. 

"Well... She wanted to mix it, and I needed to answer Melody because she had an important question!" Harper said, trying to explain it and keep herself in the clear. 

"I said you had to make them! you have to be more responsible, what did you think would happen?!" 

I walked out of the room at this. I was getting too worked up, and there was too much on my mind. I decided to go to the garden and pull weeds as a way to distract myself from all the questions rolling around inside me. It did no good. Why was I parenting alone, instead of with Him by my side? Where was he? Why wasn't he here? I let myself fall into a sitting position on the old wooden outline of the vegetable bed with my elbows set on my knees. After a short while, Harper emerged from the house. 

"Mom?" She asked my name, but there was something strange in her voice. It sounded like fear. 

I stood up immediately and wrapped my arms around her. She burrowed her head into my embrace and hugged me back. 

"Are you okay? I mean, you hardly ever get in such a tizzy about little scrapes like that, and you never sit here. What's up?"

I gazed down at her youthful face peering up at me and smiled, but that smile turned into a frown. 

"I'm not sure about anything right now, kiddo." I looked away from her, but I could still feel her soft gaze looking up at me. 

She didn't say anything, just followed me as I walked over to the small patio and sat on the couch. I looked around. The day was simply beautiful, and I couldn't believe how perfect the bird song sounded. The grass was a crisp green, and the trees lifted their leave softly, creating a simple, rustling tune. I watched a little butterfly flit between the red poppies planted along the fence. The light breeze rippled the pool's clear water and sang a song as it passed. I followed Harper's gaze up to the clouds, watching as their fluffy masses floated across the ocean blue sky. I leaned over and squeezed Harper, and she looked over to me. She drew a breath as if to say something, but was interrupted by my middle child, Jonas, crashing through the door. 

Out of breath, he exclaimed, "Mom! Come to the door!"

I stood up, puzzled. What was so important? He ran over, wrapped his fingers around my wrist, and pulled me through the kitchen to the front door. I was dumbfounded when I saw who was waiting on the doorstep. It was Him, Matthew. What in the world had given him the nerve to come back here! He had walked out on me after Elaine, but I needed him so badly. I loved him! I stepped closer, and he pulled me into a hug.

"What are you doing here?" I inquired, stepping back.

"I made a mistake-"

"You think? You left me here to take care of three children! Please tell me why you decided to leave!" I burst out.

He sighed and grabbed my hand.

"I wasn't ready. For any of this, and my immature self thought the best way to solve my problems was to run away. But for the past four years, I've been living in guilt."

I stared at him and mumbled, "I knew you'd be back." 

He broke into a sly grin and walked into the kitchen, but I stopped him. 

"You have to promise- PROMISE!- that you will never leave ever again, and you help bring up these children. Our children."

He nodded. "I swear. On everything I have, I swear."

A tear ran down my cheek, and I embraced him.

"I love you. I love you!"

"I love you more." He said, meaning every word. 

That night, we invited some friends over to celebrate his return. He had broken me by leaving, but he was the only person with the tools to fix me. My friends were all skeptical, but after we had a long, deep conversation, they understood. His old gut friends brought some firewood for a bonfire, and I had Elaine and Harper ride their bikes to the store for some marshmallows and such for s'mores. While the guests toasted their marshmallows, I brought Matthew over to a quiet corner or the lawn and laid on the ground. We gazed up at the night sky together, and I finally understood who poked the wholes and filled them with light. We did. We poked the sky every time we loved someone, each time we came back. Whenever I looked from my family to the sky, one more star seemed to appear. 

So come back to someone you left behind, and love someone who loves you, so every time you gaze at the stars there will be one more star to look upon. Love creates stars, stars create light, and light guides our way.