No Sleep Tonight

Journal: March 25, 2020

6:00pm – Time to Eat! Something, anything…Let’s see - chicken salad sandwich on gluten-free toast with a lovely, big mug of green tea, and a banana muffin, too. (Are you happy, Mom… it’s healthy-ish and I am eating it). Added sprouts to the sandwich, yummm

7:00pm - I’ll study/organize/plan for a couple of hours…I have a class presentation tomorrow and I have to be ready. It’s worth 20% of my final mark.

9:15pm - that’s enough studying. All the tees have been crossed and all the “I”s have been dotted. I am ready! Time for a leisurely bath with a big mug of sleepy-time tea, and then, lights out.

10:30pm – all moisturized…check, radio off…check, cellphone left in the kitchen…check, LIGHTS OUT!

10:58pm - What’s that noise? I was on the cusp of falling into deep sleep but that little tap, tap, tapping yanked me back from that edge. What is it? Where’s it coming from? It’ll drive me crazy if I don’t figure out what it is. In the kitchen…I don’t hear a thing. In the living room…still don’t hear anything. In the bathroom…there it is! But, what is it? The tap isn’t dripping, there’s nothing in the tub, the toilet’s quiet… At the window. It’s a branch! The wind has come up and a branch on the maple tree just reaches the window… now I know. I can ignore that little tapping.

11:14pm - I don’t remember this pillow being so lumpy…I’ll punch it down and fluff it up and flip it over…I think it’ll be okay now. It feels much better.

11:25pm - There’s crumbs in the bed! I hate crumbs - they’re so crumbly! Where do they come from? I never eat in bed. I’ll brush them out and then I’ll be able to get to sleep.

11:39pm – Now there’s wrinkles in the sheets. Ugh! I have a fresh set in the closet. It’ll only take a few minutes to change them out….Ahh, fresh sheets, perfectly smooth and they smell so good!

11:57pm – Did I print out my perspective? I can’t remember if I finally got the formatting worked out…I must have, otherwise I wouldn’t have called it quits. I hope. Let me think…yes, yes, I did get the formatting to work. Why can’t I slow my brain down? It’s making me doubt everything I did tonight.

12:15am – My throat feels phlegmy and my sinuses are dry and sore. I need a glass of water, or better yet, a cup of hot water with honey and lemon. Maybe I should put a bit of rum in too…No, no rum. I just need the heat and honey for my throat. 

12:30am – That feels better! Now, to fall asleep…

12:58am – I cant believe I’m still awake! Okay, what are my go-to, fail safe “fall asleep” strategies? Hmm…counting sheep? Nope, that never works. Those sheep always do something stupid and I can’t get them to settle down and just stay in one place. Count back from 100 very slowly and deliberately. I’ll try that one. I haven’t had to use that one in a very long time. I think it worked that time.

1:25am – 28…27…26…25…Damn! I’m not even sleepy and I’m almost done. Apparently, it’s not going to work this time. And, I have to pee. Got that out of the way! Wriggle myself back into my comfortable spot, and, RELAX. Blank out my mind somehow. Start at my toes and work up. Focus on relaxing every muscle as I go. But, is it start at the feet, or, is it start at the head/neck? Do I focus on each toe, or just toes in general? Do I focus on one leg at a time, or both together? Do I separate the calf and the thigh, or lump the leg all as one entity? What about the body? Pelvic region, stomach, rib cage, breasts; separately? In regions? All together? And then, fingers, hands, wrists, forearm, upper arm…do they have distinct names like the leg does? You know, shin, calf, thigh? Are there names like that for the arm? Where would a person find out about that? Medical dictionary? Or, one of those anatomy websites?

1:47am – Oh good grief! I am totally tired, but my mind will not shut itself off. And, really, who cares if your arm is just called “arm”. It doesn’t need fifty eight names for different areas! They say that if your mind won’t stop going around and around in useless thought patterns, you should get up and write things down. Your mind will then think things have been settled or accomplished and can let them go. I’m going to try it, because, I really need to feel rested for my presentation…today, at 8:30am!

3:18am – Well, I have written it all down. And, now I have a grocery list with 57 items on it…I went through the cupboards; I have a cleaning schedule for each day of the week; I have meal plans for the next 2 weeks; I have a birthday list of family and friends to text or get cards for older relatives sorted by month and gender; I have a list of assignments due until the end of the semester, sorted by due date and subject; I have a list of the twenty places I’d most love to visit before I die; and, I have a bucket list of one hundred things I’d like to DO before I die (I included a few things I’ve already done…like snorkelling in Hawaii and learning how to make sourdough bread, because having something checked off means you might actually do the whole list). And, I’m still awake, but my eyes are feeling droopy and I think I’m ready. Just a sip of water and off I go.

3:32am – I have to pee again. If I keep my eyes closed and don’t put on the lights, any lights, maybe I can keep that drowsy feeling long enough to get back into bed and fall asleep.

3:35am – Owww! I stepped on the edge of something sharp! I think my foot is bleeding! I need to put the light on. Yup, there’s blood on the floor and that, that looks like my lost nail clippers! Where are the bandaids when you want one? There’s none in the medicine cabinet, none in the vanity, I’ll have to check in the kitchen. I’ll wrap my foot in toilet paper and hobble down there. No, I know I have bandaids in my purse. I’ll go to the office and get one. I dug through my whole purse to find this one small bandaid. It’s a good thing most of the bleeding has stopped! Now to put everything back in my purse and get back into bed.

3:45am – My foot is throbbing, my head hurts, my eyes are sore, and I have to pee! In all the excitement of “finding” my lost nail clippers, I forgot to go pee. I might as well put the light on and get that done first. Damn, my foot is really sore. Of course the puncture is right in the middle of the ball of my foot, right where I step. I’d better rock on my heel for a bit. I should get some eye drops. I know it’s just because I’m still awake that they’re dry and sore. The drops will help. I’m just getting so stressed about not sleeping that my head is getting a tension headache. Roll my shoulders, frontwards, and now, backwards; a few shoulder shrugs; some over the head stretches; and, a stiff shot of rum with a splash of water. I should have had the rum earlier when I first considered it.

4:27am – Finally back in bed, I feel the warmth of the rum slowly spreading through my tummy. I feel my arms and legs starting to get heavy. I feel my breathing slowing down. I feel my eyes stop flickering. I feel my mind slowing to a single thought. I’m picturing clouds and they’re filling the spaces of my consciousness with fluffy white nothingness. I feel myself slipping into the twilight, on the edge of falling…

5:00am – BLAT! BLAT! BLAT!BLAT! BLAT! BLAT! BLAT!BLAT!

What!?!? Shut that damn noise off. 

Oh, no! I forgot to reset the alarm. Shit! Damn! Half an hour of sleep will not cut it. Did I just hear my cellphone ding? Holy f@#@*! 

I’d better check the message. Maybe there’s been a schedule change and I can just stay up and get ready. With a little makeup I should be able to look relatively awake.

5:05am – “….due to potential for transmission of the Coronavirus, no gatherings of more than 10 people are allowed. All classes have been cancelled until further notice. Please check with your professor for further instructions.”

5:15am – I shut off the phone and say, to no one, “I’m going back to bed”. I’m out.