A Seeker of Dreams And His Journey

“Being a hearing person is what is expected,

yet being deaf is what makes me different.”

Starting on October 10th, 2024, in my silent world with shadows and my journey.

“Being a hearing person is what is expected, yet being deaf is what makes me different. Why? Yes, I am asking you why. It is your world that I am living in. It is all about you and how you hear, period. You know I am right.”

I have learned the hard way. I was forced to wear my hearing aids and FM system when I was a young boy. Even, I took speech classes, starting in preschool. I had to learn to read English and write.

Later, I chose to learn American Sign Language. I chose to stay deaf, no longer speaking or wearing hearing aids. More than that, I learned body language. I learned body gestures. I learned how to use my visual skills as a learner.

“When I came to you, what did you do? Oh, I mean, what I did was, of course, to make sure you understood and opened my communication with you by using your “hearing” ways. I never complained. I never went against it. I never said anything bad.

Again, it is all about you and your hearing world. Our deaf world is so small that you can choose to learn sign language or learn more about Deaf culture. Why should you anyway?”

Revealing that is how I moved this writing style, because I developed my own self-knowledge and studied nonverbal languages overall. I hold the key to making dreams come true because you know why? They do not speak or hear. They do not exist here in this world. Yet, we know our own dreams better than ourselves.

“What does this show you? You are too selfish. Or I am too sensitive. This brings an elegant and brilliant way to flex your mindset and see beyond your values, or mine.Imagine if I were hearing...I would have your knowledge, and yet I would not even be here to write. What kind of knowledge do I hold right now?”

I am writing to share my knowledge of myself and hopefully help you know me better. I have spent my whole life understanding yours. Now, it is your turn to inspire and learn. Allow me to share a simple example to help you see through my lens: 

“Imagine yourself unable to hear anything and without a voice to speak. Go and sit on the couch. Turn on your TV and turn the volume down to zero. Yes, I mean zero. Now, make sure the closed captioning is off. Try to enjoy your TV. Hard to imagine, right? Well, this scenario mirrors a part of my daily life.”

Reflecting on that cold winter in Vancouver a long time ago, my memory is still vivid. There was one time when my ex-fiancé and I were unhoused in wintertime and our friend graciously offered us a place to stay in his tent. Thankfully, we survived on the free meals provided nearby, and we were grateful for every small mercy. It was a challenging time, but we found moments of comfort amid the struggle.

At last, a young adult girl who liked me and began spending a lot of time with us. She was friendly, and for a while, her presence was a bright spot on our difficult days. But misunderstandings have a way of clouding even the brightest moments. She wanted me more than friends and hoped to have sex with me. I told her no because I was with my ex-finance. I told her that I am gay, but it seemed like not matter to her at all.

On the next day, her friends thought I had hurt her feelings because I was the cause of her pain. I thought she was crying in front of them because of their anger, which assumptions fueled. They turned towards me after we arrived back at the camp from Portland right away.

Suddenly, I was confronted by a group of their friends, and they were aggressive. The leader was a big, middle-aged lesbian woman and tried to hit me. All sudden, I reacted instinctively by putting my arms around her and bringing her to the ground to prevent her from hurting me. It was a moment of pure self-defense, driven by confusion and fear. One thing I learned from my family is never to hit on women, period. So, I had respect for her, but everyone else was surprised and stood there.

Lucky I was strong enough to keep her down until, eventually, that girl ran over here and clarified the misunderstanding. She revealed that I was not the one who had hurt her. It was another Alex and her friends who got embarrassed by their mistake, then retreated. But my emotional and mental damage had been done because it was my first time getting in a fight like that.

I did not deserve this with their aggression, their fear, or their fight. It was a confrontation born out of a simple misunderstanding, yet it left a lasting impact on me. They walked away with their pride bruised, but I was left to process the emotional toll of the incident. 

“What did that leave me with? A reminder of the importance of clear communication and the harsh reality of how quickly misunderstandings can escalate.

Frankly, I came up with my thoughts, “How dare they do that, especially other disability like me. And I wonder how they can sleep at nighttime. Bad people, I guess.”

I am not burdening you with this but inviting you to experience my life. Becoming a consideration is the most important value that we all may hold, which defines self-respect.

“Imagine, what would you have done?” And” imagine, how would you navigate a world that does not cater to your needs, yet expects you to conform?” Again, it is a big world that I live in.

My name is Alex Hawkins, also known by my Indian name, Talk with Hands. I am a Deaf storyteller and author. I would like to share with you the journey of my broken heart.

A broken heart is not just about being cheated on or called bad names. It is much deeper than that, and I can tell you what it means to me.

Starting as a three-year-old deaf boy, I was given up by my own mother because she chose her addiction over me and my needs. Yet she was the best mother in the world and never knew my father. 

I was betrayed by the family who raised me due to my sexual preference, and I have been on my own ever since.

Imagine this: 21 out of 23 of my ex-boyfriends were caught cheating behind my back. The other two, it was my mistakes. That is what a broken heart story looks like for me. 

I know I am not the only one, yet, for my part by wanting to share this by helping others understand the ‘complexities’ people like me better.

Moving forward, I had to learn to cope with my anger and pain. At times, it felt like a relentless storm, a force that threatened to engulf me. But I realized that my anger was a natural response to the immense hurt I had endured. It was not just a destructive force, but also a powerful energy that could be channeled constructively.

In my life journey, I discovered that acknowledging and understanding my anger was crucial. It was a part of my healing process, allowing me to transform my pain into strength and resilience. I began to see my anger not as an enemy, but as a teacher guiding me towards deeper self-awareness and emotional growth.

Through storytelling, I found a way to express my anger and pain, and to connect with others who had experienced similar struggles. It became a cathartic outlet, a means to turn my personal turmoil into a narrative that could inspire and heal.

As I stand before you today, I want to emphasize the importance of embracing our emotions, even the difficult ones. Just like a volcano that creates new land after an eruption, our anger can lead to personal transformation and new beginnings if we learn to navigate it with compassion and understanding.

Everyone wants to be happy, right? I admit I do, too. Yet, why is being angry something that we don't deal with or understand more?

When someone becomes angry, what do we tend to do? It often makes us upset, uncomfortable, or even angry too. I’ve learned that being angry isn’t something we can just experience anytime because it takes time, much like the build-up of a volcano.

Everyone loves Hawaii, yet they live on the most dangerous island with a volcano. Why is that?

People often shy away from anger because it is uncomfortable and can be destructive if not understood. When someone gets angry, it is natural for those around to feel upset or defensive. Anger is not just a burst of emotion; it is often rooted in deeper feelings like hurt, frustration, or fear.

Just like a volcano that creates fertile soil after an eruption, anger, when acknowledged and processed, can lead to personal growth and understanding. It is about finding ways to channel that intense energy into something constructive, much like how volcanic islands are formed, creating new land and ecosystems.

Embracing and understanding our anger can be a path to deeper self-awareness and healthier relationships. It is about learning to navigate those fiery emotions without letting them consume us, much like how people embrace the volatile beauty of volcanic landscapes.

“In the mind’s quiet corners, it sparks,

Born from wounds deep in the dark.

Anger, a tempest with a flame’s heart,

Rising, roaring, tearing apart.

A force raging with untamed might,

Yet in its chaos, there is light.

Coursing through veins, hot and swift,

Like lava flowing, it creates a rift.

Within its fire, we find our core,

Strength to break, to mend, to soar.

Anger, met with a tender hand,

Transforms to power, helps us stand.

So let it blaze, bright in the night,

For in the ashes, we find the light.

Resilience, heart, and strength of mind,

In anger’s embers, we rise and find.”