Meaningless Numbers

Today I tried to tell them. I really did try. Maybe I need help. Maybe I just need to go home. That’s what I’ll do. It will be so simple. I can’t stop thinking about it. In just one second, I will finally be happy.

My plan is to leave soon. I just need to decide when and how. I keep hoping that they will actually care when I do go. Maybe that’s why I can’t decide. No. I have to go. They won’t care. It doesn’t matter to them.

Ok, maybe I shouldn’t go. Won’t someone miss me? And all the effort it took to get here. All those hours up late working. But what about those hours I spent trying to be happy. They certainly outweigh everything else.

I am leaving as soon as possible. Nothing will change my mind. 

You know, I could do it here. Pretty big window, 6th floor. I think it would work. No, that’s not good. Someone might be waiting at the bottom. Then what? It would be like all those other times I tried to leave. And all I would get are a few scars to add to my collection.

New plan. I have easy access to the lab. Maybe that’s a good way to leave. But how would I know what to choose. I need something better. And I don’t think I have a lot of time left.

I have been thinking. Should I make it look like an accident? That might be hard to do. They need to know that I’m leaving on my own. They need to feel my pain. Is that too mean? But after all they have done, don’t I deserve one chance at revenge? Just one opportunity. No. That would not help at all. This is on me.

I only came because they told me to. I just wanted them to stop talking. The thing is I don’t know what I would’ve done at home anyways. What better way to spend my last few days here? I wonder how they’ll react; when I fall and start to fade. I wonder if they will care, or if any tears will be shed for me. Maybe I should’ve told them. Maybe I shouldn’t have come. Well, it’s too late to think about that. You know what’s funny? None of them ever noticed.

I don’t understand the point of this. It’s so weird to think that hundreds of people choose to spend the last few seconds of the year standing in the cold, waiting for a ball to drop. Maybe I shouldn’t be judging them, I’m here too. I don’t know how I feel about leaving. I really don’t have a choice. But what if I could stay? Maybe I should. There are only a few things I would enjoy if I stayed. No, I made the right choice. In just a few days I’ll be flying home. Finally free from this shattered reality. 

It’s a good place to leave. There are so many people here that they wouldn’t be able to see me go. I can’t tell if that’s good or not. I was going to leave later but maybe I could just go now. I could finally get it over with. I can’t wait. I’m so excited. 

I am doing it now. It’s the right time. It’s definitely perfect. Every time I think about it my heart beats faster and faster. I know I’m making the right choice. I have been so lonely and miserable lately. My crowd of friends, all they see is my smile. They don’t see how much I want to go home. Or the scars I have from trying to leave. It’s ok, I chose to hide it. If I leave it will be better for everyone. I’m sure they won’t mind. 

I can’t bring myself to do it. I know I have to. There are too many people here. I can’t do it. But I need to go. I need to go. I need to leave now. Why can’t I do it? I need to leave. I need to be happy. 

I’m walking now. I don’t know where to go. They didn’t see me leave. It’s ok. Maybe it’s not the day.

Why aren’t they coming? They are supposed to come. Why didn’t anybody see me leave? I need to go home. Why did I stay? I am losing my mind. They’re not going to come. I’m going home. I tried to hold on tight. But no one was on the other side. I need to go. 

I can feel myself leaving. My eyes are going first. They are letting go of all the things I am going to miss. All the times I laughed with my family, all the times I felt loved. I know what I am going to do. I know how to get home now. 

The view is great from up here. All the twinkling lights reflecting on the water. It’s beautiful. I am almost ready. I wonder how many people have gone home the same way. At least they went with their eyes finally resting on something beautiful.

The wind rips me apart from this far out. It combs through me. Slicing away at my stricken soul. What will it feel like to glide through the air? Will I feel like a bird? I can hear the people now. The ones who didn’t come. They are yelling. They are getting louder. So much happiness in their voices. I don’t understand it. Why didn’t they just come? I need to go. 

Just a few seconds now. I am going home. I’m leaving. Someone’s finally coming. A running figure two blocks away. Why now? It’s too late. I can’t stay. I’m sorry. You need to understand, I’ll finally be happy. I will finally be home. I chose to do this. I am going now. Please. Let me be. Just this once I don’t want you to hold on.

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happy new year