Barneys Time

Barney, “High Suzie. I’m on my way. I should get there on time.”

Suzie, “Oh, Barney. You’re the keynote speaker.  You can’t be late to present our county's sustainable development proposal.”

Barney, “I know. I had to fix a flat on my bicycle.”

Suzie, “OK, but hurry. I don’t want to be late. Please don’t get distracted. You know how your genius gets tangential. Bye.”  

Barney is peddling his clunky bicycle to Suzie’s, thinking, ‘Ah, heck, I forgot my cell phone with all my data on it. I need to let Suzie know I’ll be late,’ when he notices a phone booth. ‘Well, I’ll be. How serendipitous. I remember when these phone booths were everywhere. It’s been a while. I wonder if it even works?’ He enters the booth, ‘It really has been a while. This archaic machine only takes a dime.’

Voice, “Operator assistance. Where may I direct your call?”

Barney, “I need to call my girlfriend. I was just curious if this phone still works. I don’t remember an operator unless one dials zero.  If I give you her number, it will cost me more. I would prefer to direct dial to save money.”

Operator, “Where may I direct your call.”

Barney, “What do you mean by ‘where’?”

Operator, “If you are indecisive, the speed dials are available to you.”

“Speed dials in a now-defunct piece of technology?”

 “Correct, sir. Press one for New York, two for DC, three for San Francisco . . .”

 “Alright, alright already. Very funny. Where is the hidden camera?”

 “Where may I direct your call?”

 “Alright, I’ll play.” Barney pushes three.

 “Sir, please input your destination date followed by the star key.”

 “OK, ‘operator’, I said I would play. I know I’m being live-streamed.”  Barney pushes 1967.

“That is an incorrect format, sir. Please consult the directory for the parameter rules.”

“But of course, parameter rules. Why did I not think of that in this now-defunct piece of technology?” He places the phone booth’s hanging directory on the stainless-steel triangular counter and opens it up to the first page.

Directions and Parameters

1.     Close door.

2.     Destination and time codes are listed in the directory or may be given verbally to the operator. The destination must be safe and available at the time of parameter input.

3.     The time parameter must be equal to or greater than 25 years from your current time frame. Future time frames are not available for this position.

4.      Input format: Time 00*00* AM (26) or PM (76), Press # to enter.

Date; 00-00-0000 Press # to enter.

5.     When traveling to off-worlds or to harsh environments, be sure to be wearing the proper survival equipment.

6.     You have one week at each destination, or you will be erased.

7.     Each person is granted three round trips.

8.     Remember your return code to reserve your place.

9.     Enjoy your trip.

Barney smiles as he scans the phone booth’s ceiling looking for the camera. “Oh, this is good. These folks went all out for this one. I love the off-world bit.”

Operator, “Where may I direct your call?”

Barney, “I’m going to keep it simple. San Francisco.”

Operator, “Where may I direct your call?”

Barney sighs, “San Francisco.”

Operator, “When may I direct your call?”

Barney has learned his lesson, “Twelve PM, April 1^st, 1967.”

Operator, “Your return reservation code is 2025.”

Nothing happens.

Barney, “I knew it. I am now the laughingstock on the world wide web.”

Barney steps out the door and suddenly recalls, “1. Close the door.”

Barney, “Ah heck, I need to call Suzie. I’m going to call her direct.” Still feeling silly, he steps back inside the booth.

A man walks up, “Are you coming or going?”

Barney, “I need to make a quick call.” He shuts the folding door. Instantly, a swirling flash of rainbow-colored prismatic light engulfs him and then dissolves.

He looks out the booth window, “Holy Mother Mary n Jesus.”

Stunned, Barney walks out onto a street filled with long-haired funny looking people dressed in colorful outfits. The smell of marijuana fills his nostrils.

Barney asks a woman, “What year is it?”

Woman, “1967, silly man.”

Barney, “I’m a scientist. I need proof.” He spies a newsstand on the corner, runs over, and picks up a newspaper: “San Francisco Chronicle April 1st, 1967.” Then he looks up at a sign: Haight Ashbury Free Medical Clinic.

The shocked man strolls across the street to the park and sits down among a mass of hippies. Music fills the air with Janice Joplin, The Mamas and the Papas, and  Jimi Hendrix.

A woman sits down next to him, “Hey man, it’s the summer of love,” then hands him a joint and puts a flower in his lapel.

Barney, “Thanx, I can use that.”

Woman, “My name is Alice, Want a hit of acid.”

Barney, “No, thank you. It’s been a very strange day. I’m already on a trip.”

He then lays back, thinking, ‘This is unreal, but here I am. I am ten years old. My birthday is next month when my dad took me to the Kentucky Derby. I’ll never forget. He won on a long shot . . .”

Barney, “Hey Alice, do you like horses?”

Alice, “Yeah. I grew up with them.”

Barney, “Have any dreams?”

Alice, “I want to open a restaurant someday.”

Barney, “And you want to call it ‘Alices’, right?”

Alice, “Yes, Alices Restaurant.”

Barney, “Where you can get anything you want.”

Alice, “How did you know?”

Barney, “Want to go on a trip?”

Alice, “Sure, but I don’t want to miss the music festivals and concerts.”

Barney, “I need to get back soon, too. I’ll pay for gas.”

*

Louisville, Kentucky

Announcer, “Welcome to the Kentucky Derby.”

Barney, “There’s my dad”

Alice, “He has a kid.”

Barney, “Yeah, that’s me. Time to see if close encounters have dire consequences.”

Barney, “Howdy, Mr. Defanfaler.”

Mr. Defanfaler, “How do you know me?”

Barney, “Long story. Can I buy you a drink?”

Mr. Defanfaler, “Get out of here. You and your weird chick.”

Barney, “We need to talk.”

Mr. Defanfaler, “Why?”

Barney, “Because I want you to bet everything on Proud Clarion, not just the $100 you’re planning on.”

Mr. Defanfaler, “How do you know that? I haven’t told anyone except my son.”

Barney, “That’s what I want to talk about.”

Mr. Defanfaler, “OK, but we only have half an hour.”

*

Announcer, “Here comes Proud Clarion’s fast sprint out of the starting as expected, but can he hold it?”

Mr.  Defanfaler, “What do you think son.”

Barney, “He will win by a length, followed by Damascus.”

Announcer, “And it’s Proud Clarion by a length. Unbelievable. What an upset. But those of you crazy enough to have bet on the 30/1 longshot, go collect your reward.”

Mr. Defanfaler, “Holy mother. Now what, son?”

Barney, “Let’s go home, Dad. I need to fill you in on the rest of the plans.”

After dinner, the family sits down. Alice is playing games with little Barney.

Dad, “$300,000 dollars. What are we going to do now, son?”

Barney, “The future is dim pop. I am a scientist specializing in Environmental studies.  The Earth’s Biosphere is crashing. It’s called a Climate Crisis. Along with the next doubling of our human population, 90% of the ocean fish gone, natural disasters increasing in frequency, duration, and severity, 25% of the masses without fresh water, and pollution, to name a few. . . Well, the cumulation of these and more factors is calculated to coincide by 2050. It’s going to get ugly and unsustainable right quick.”

Dad, “What is being done?”

Barney, “That’s just it. There are many solutions, but the petrochemical industry has been fighting them for decades with disinformation campaigns and for-profit selfishness, all backed by a strong majority of Congress bought off by lobbyists.”  

Dad, “So Eisenhower’s 1961 warning of the military-industrial complex came true.”

Barney, “Yes. But I have a plan. I want to set an example. An example that will cost a lot of money. Here is a list of investments. Start with Damascus winning the Preakness, Gentleman James to show at Belmont. Then go to Scotland’s Kelso racecourse for Equinoctial with a 250/1 odds to win. Those are all I can remember when you took me to them when I was ten. That’s how I knew you, and I would be here.”

Dad, “I love horse races.”

Barney, “Yes, although too much. I remember your racing gambling addiction worsened and it ruined our family. After those bets, you need to quit. Promise me.”

Dad, “OK. I promise. I trust you. I was convinced you were a nut until you showed me your unique leg scar like little Barney and your 2025 ID and currency.”

Barney, “You will have plenty of money to start investing in stocks. You will not need to gamble. Here are two guaranteed lists. One will be after the Kelso race, and another will be a few years from now. Be sure to bury the gold where we agreed.”

Dad, “I understand diversity. What’s Microsoft, Google, and Intel?”

Barney, “An information revolution is coming. Please save everything, and live comfy and simply. Send little me over there to MIT and follow his dreams again. I need to go back to San Francisco now. I have a phone booth appointment.”

*

Haight Ashbury

Barney, “Here is more than enough for your restaurant Alice. Say howdy to Arlo for me.”

Alice, “Thank you so very much.”

Barney enters the phone booth.

Operator, “Please enter your reservation code.”

Operator, “2025 is correct. Where may I direct your call?”

Barney, “Asheville, North Carolina.”

Barney opens the folding door, “Wow, an electric bicycle. That is a nice change.” He jumps on and zooms off towards the county council meeting. On the way, he stops by his bank to check his balance.

Barney continues on his way to the County Council meeting, wondering, ‘What happened to my dad's investments? There should be more. A lot more.”

Suzie, “What took you so long? It’s all I could do due to stall . . .”

Mayor Hornburger bangs his gavel, “The county meeting is in session. First on the agenda is Barney Defanfaler.”

Barney, “Ladies and gentlemen. The proposal before you is a sustainable future plan for our children.”

Councilwoman Sherry Jones, “I agree this outline is idealistic but far beyond this county’s financial ability.”

Barney, “I understand, although if the council agrees to the plan, I am willing to make substantial investments in the infrastructure.”

Mayor Hornburger, “What do you want in return?”

Barney, “My goal for implementing this design is to set an example of how any small city and surrounding agricultural county can transform and evolve. We owe it to our children to build a sustainable environment for their future survival.”

Mayor, “I can agree to a planning and financial assessment if the council agrees.”

Councilwoman Sherry: " If you are all in favor of having our treasurer and engineers do a financial and feasibility study on Mr. Defanfalers' sustainability action plan, please raise your hands.”

Councilwoman, “OK. The proposal will go forward for study.”

Barney and Suzie exit the county courthouse.

Suzie, “What was that with all the donations talk. You don’t have that kind of money.”

Barney, “I can’t explain easily right now. I need to go and fix a problem. Can we have dinner tonight?”

Suzie, “Sure. My place around six?”

Barney, “Perfect. I’ll see you then.” He jumps on his e-bike and zooms off, leaving Suzie puzzled.

*

Operator, “Please enter your reservation code.” Barney enters 2025.

Operator, “Welcome back, Barney. You have two round-trip calls left. Where may I direct your call?”

Barney, “Louisville, Kentucky.”

Operator, “When may I direct your call?”

Barney, “May 5^th 1967 at 7AM.” The booth fills with a familiar swirling prismatic rainbow of light.

Barney steps out and runs off to the Kentucky Derby. At this point we best differentiate him as Barney-3.

Barney-3, “Hi Barney. Hi Alice.”

Barney-2, “Holy Mother and Mary!”.

Barney-3, "Yeah, right. Everything did not work out with what you are going to do today. Dad relapsed from his gambling addiction somewhere before 2025. I . . . or you, whatever the case may be, need to fix the bank savings accounts so they are safe until little Barney-1 becomes of age. After college?”

Barney-2, “Sounds good. When my . . . our moral character matured.”

Barney-3, “We did develop a responsible character, becoming an Eagle Scout. Then, at college, we realized our responsibility, as Kennedy said, ‘Ask not . . .”

Barney-2, “Right. I’ll get a lawyer to draw up some documents before I leave.”

Barney-3, “Okeedokee. Sounds like a plan. I need to get back to Asheville and explain all this to Suzie over dinner.”

Barney-2, “My Suzie?”

Barney-3, “Yes, No? Heck, I have no idea. I was you when I left anyway.”

Barney-2, “Or perhaps little Barney with my . . . our Dad right now.”

Barney-3, “Well, there was only one of us when I returned the first time so somehow it all gets fixed.”

Alice, “You two are tripping me out. Who needs drugs hangin with you guys?”

Barney-2, “Have you thought about parallel worlds?”

Barney-3, “No, but how could that be if we were all here today?”

Barney-2, “It was all mathematical theory till we hoped a ride in the crazy phone booth. See ya.”

Barney-3, “I hope not.” The two reach out to shake hands, then stop.

Barney-2, “We best not. I believe we pushed the close encounter thing far enough.”

Barney-3 “Right. That’s a scary thought.”  The two laugh and go their separate ways.

Alice remains, “Which Barney am I with?”

Barney-2, “Me. Lets go.”

*

Five years later

Mayor Hornburger, “I’m pleased to see the progress made over the last two years. Today we celebrate the five years of our suburban and inner-city infrastructure upgrades. Suburban homes have grid-tied solar arrays. Downtown buildings are renowned worldwide for their exterior walls of hanging plants for structural cooling and oxygen generation. Runners love the carbon monoxide-free atmosphere. Markets are within an easy walk or bike, making a healthier population noted in last month’s medical journal. USA mayors visit to learn from our esteemed city. Now for our street engineer, Barry Burns.”

Barry, “I am happy to announce the completion of our city streets and renewable energy-powered transportation system. The changes were initially balked at but are now praised by locals and visitors. Downtown is free of vehicles except electric street cars. The suburban to city-isolated bicycle and pedestrian tree-lined paths have brought out cyclists who had never felt comfortable peddling alongside automobiles.”

Mayor, “Now for our county agriculture chief, Billy White.”

Billy White, “I am excited that our farming community was so receptive to the county subsidies and UNC agriculture experts’ guidance for transitioning their fields to grow a vast number of organic vegetable produce, dairy, and animal products. The county-to-city infrastructure is in its final year of completion to aid the electric semi-truck transportation to move the local produce and animal products to Asheville's local food stores and open markets.”

Mayor, “We transitioned from a gas-fired powerplant when Barney Defanfaler gave us the generous donation for a Westinghouse 4th generation Small Modular Reactor. Initially, our most controversial transition to a Low Carbon Footprint community, the implementation went smoothly after the efficacy and safety concerns were understood. The sodium-cooled model keeps our new River Wildlife corridor unaffected, unlike the 1st generation water-cooled Nukes.”

The evening's celebration of Asheville’s evolution into a sustainable community is in full swing. The attendees vie for a word with one of the nation’s wealthiest, most generous and foresightful man.

Newsmonth reporter, “Mr. Defanfaler, I believe everyone around the world is wondering why you would put your hard-earned dollars into a venture that gives you no return on your investment.”

Barney, “My billions were not hard work but initially from a few lucky wins and the stock market, neither of which is work at all. Other billionaires are running to Mars and the moon or hiding in massive underground bunkers and leaving humanity stranded on the surface of a dying planet. My mission has been for the masses, the little people.”

Newsmonth, “Why did you develop a community with the lowest Carbon Footprint for any industrialized city worldwide when the contribution has little impact on total global CO2 emissions?”

Barney, “It is easy to build a sustainable community from scratch. It was a complex task to transform and evolve an existing community. Technology has existed for quite some time, but integrating it into a city and surrounding agricultural farmland was a challenge. I wanted to show it could be done as an example for other cities to follow.”

Jerry of NCB, “What was your biggest challenge?”

Barney, “Education. We had a year of local-focused education, predominantly science, taught by our high school teens. They made the basics simple and understandable. Once folks understood basic science, it was a small step for them to see our closed terrarium, Biosphere Earths crisis.  Debunking lies and disinformation campaigns, rampant on social media, was another challenge. I give credit to our teens; they are the heroes that turned this community around to work for the common good.”

Suzie, “Sadly, the effects of Earth’s climate crisis had to get so bad; it could no longer be greenwashed by the petrochemical industry or ignored as isolated to East Coast hurricanes, Midwest droughts, and floods. Perhaps the LA fires will be a wake-up call for other communities.”

Barney, “Folks came to realize and accept that the human species is the cause of this tangled web of an interdependent multifactorial set of issues resulting in our homes crisis. They took responsibility as individuals, folks who set an example of personal lifestyle changes led others to join in, and the movement grew.”