Often marriages are put to the test when couples are confronted with financial problems or if a spouse is stricken with chronic illnesses. All marriage will go through good and bad times. But if couples stick to one another during those rough times, the relationship will improve steadily as time goes by.

Would you marry someone with a serious mental disorder such as Schizophrenia?

Take the path that is less travelled?

I did, and here’s my story.

I was a caregiver to my late wife, Doris Lau who was stricken with schizophrenia at the tender age of 17. My wife passed away 7 years ago after she lost the battle to pneumonia.  

Be mindful of the symptoms of schizophrenia

Coping with the symptoms of schizophrenia can be extremely difficult for family members who remember how active a person was before he/she became ill. This illness is terrifying because it is unpredictable. After caring for Doris for 40 years, I became more alert to the warning signs of schizophrenia. 

A reason to love, a reason to marry

Many people find it very hard to believe that I married Doris despite her mental illness.  

So why did I marry Doris? 

Unlike the many girls that I dated, Doris was very down-to-earth. I found her to be sincere and caring. This was the woman that would change my life – dramatically. 

I told myself that the woman I marry, whoever she is, I will love forever. I believe that Doris are I were fated to be husband and wife. She was born on All Saints' Day and I am born on Valentine's Day. Undoubtedly, Good Friday has special significance to both my wife and I. By some strange coincidence, 12^th April 1974 was the day that I first met my wife.  And it happened to be on Good Friday.  And though it was an arduous and painful journey for me to manage my wife's dreaded schizophrenia for more than three decades, I often draw my strength and compassion from Jesus. Can you imagine what will happen to Doris if she had married the wrong man?

My wife had a total of five illnesses, including schizophrenia, arthritis, diabetes, high cholesterol and incontinence. Being the sole caregiver to my wife for more 4 decades was no easy feat and I suffered burnout so many times. 

Memories are made of this

But strange as it may seem, I had grown to love Doris more and more as I saw her struggle with so many illnesses.  And it was such a joy for me to see my wife enjoy life to the fullest despite the suffering that she had to go through.

As we celebrated our wedding anniversaries through our 40 years of blissful union, I recollect the scenes when I took my marriage vows in 1972 when we got married.

“Will you Raymond Anthony Fernando take Doris Lau Siew Lang to be your wedded wife, to live together in the estate of matrimony? Will you love her, honour her, comfort her, and keep her in sickness and in health, forsaking all others, be true to her as long as you both shall live?”

These marriage vows and my Catholic teachings had given me the strength and courage to love and care for my wife despite the arduous journey of being her sole caregiver. And when you are looking after a loved one with mental illness, you must be prepared to walk alone in the dark because there is still so much discrimination and prejudice against the mentally ill. That's the bad news. 

But the good news is that through my love, encouragement and support, I had managed to turn Doris into an author of not one, but 8 books. This is a remarkable achievement for someone suffering from a serious mental disorder.

Through the many talks that I have given, I have always mentioned that people with mental illness just need one person to love them and with medication, they will recover. 

Love conquers all

During the SARS outbreak in 2003, Doris suffered her 10^th relapse. It was another very difficult period in my life. I had no choice but to admit Doris into the Institute of Mental Health (IMH) , but at the back of my mind, I feared that the government in wanting to stop the spread of SARS , would close all doors for hospital visits.  

Two days after Doris was admitted to hospital, the Ministry of Health (MOH) imposed the no-visitors ruling at all public hospitals and I could not visit my wife for one solid month. Doris was shattered, I was shattered. My heart was torn apart.

Usually I would visit Doris every day and spend as much time as I could with her as emotional support plays a big part in her recovery. This time around, the picture was totally different. My wife's biggest fear became a reality. In her disoriented state, Doris “believed” that I had abandoned her. Left her for another woman. 

After one month, through several appeals, I managed to see my wife. When I saw her from a distance, I ran as fast as I could. I tripped and fell. My knees were badly bruised, but I did not feel any pain because when I spotted Doris, all pain -– physical and emotional seemed to go away. Indeed, love conquers all.

When Doris returned for home leave 4 weeks later, she was still not out of the woods. She had to continue her ECT (Electro Convulsive Therapy) and she was only 50% recovered. It was close to our 29^th anniversary and I wrote her a poem entitled “Ring on your finger” framed it on an A1  size poster and mounted it on the wall. The moment she saw it, her eyes lit up and so did her heart. She kept reading the poem, over and over again, until it brought about her total recovery. She hugged me and told me, that the delusion that I had abandoned her was not true and I really loved her. Once again, the healing power of love reunited us.

Here are some tips to bring out the best in your care recipients.Observe the 3Ps – Patience, Perseverance & Prayer

In caring for your loved ones with mental illness, it’s important to observe the 3Ps – Patience, Perseverance and Prayer. 

Medication compliance

Many patients suffering from mental illness have relapses because they don’t take their medications faithfully. It is very important that caregivers ensure that the patient takes his/her medications every day. One of the best ways to ensure that the medications are taken correctly is to make a list of the medications that is prescribed and display it in an area where the tablets are stored. If necessary, indicate the colour of the medicines and a brief description of it. Then place the supply in small containers and label them accordingly – morning, afternoon and night.  

A big NO, NO to taking slimming pills

Due to some side effects of the medications, some patients may put on weight. As a result, patients, especially ladies who are conscious of their figure, may resort to taking slimming pills. This should not be encouraged as slimming pills can affect the mind and even trigger a relapse of their mental illness. Instead, regular exercise that could include brisk walks at lunch time and jogging after work are far better. 

Don’t criticise, empathise

All of us have feelings and are sensitive. Psychiatric patients too, have feelings and can easily get hurt. Some could be hyper-sensitive, so we should not criticise them when they are not in control of their minds. Instead, empathise with them as they go through their treatment.

Bring music and laughter into their lives

Bring humour into the lives of psychiatric patients. Bring them to watch a humorous movie. Crack a joke at the start of the day and the rest of the day will be a happier one.  

Research has also shown that listening to music can effectively promote relaxation and overall mental health as it reduces muscle tension and stress. 

Have sufficient rest and sleep

Sufficient sleep helps the body and mind to relax and gives patients the energy to start a brand new day without feeling too drowsy from the effects of the medications. On the other hand, sleeping too much can be unhealthy as it can make patients lethargic and lose interest in daily activities.

Avoid crowded places when they are unwell

Caregivers should avoid bringing their loved ones who are heading for a relapse to crowded places, as they can become fearful and tend to imagine that “people are talking about them.” This was part of the hallucinations Doris experienced when she was unwell. 

Install double-glazed windows in the sleeping area

Doris found it irritating when there was excessive noise and would frown and express her displeasure. When there is excessive noise, Doris was at high risk of falling into a relapse. So I installed doubled-glazed windows that reduced the noise to 50%.

Give feedback to the doctors and nurses

Family members who want their loved ones to have a speedy recovery must not be afraid to provide the correct feedback to the hospital staff. If the family members are unable to see the doctors, they should write a letter and forward it to the nurses on duty so that the doctor can find out what is troubling the patient. 

Caregivers must also closely monitor the patient’s behaviour when they visit them in hospital and when they are given home leave. The information gathered should then be passed on to the doctors and nurses so that they are better positioned to treat the patient. 

Keep the person free from seeing or reading negative things

Persons suffering from mental illness should not read or see negative things. Instead, they should be encouraged to read articles on the arts and happy events. Humorous movies or television shows that are comical will encourage patients to stay happy.  

Watch out for warning signs

Caregivers must stay alert and look out for any early warning signs that their loved ones display. For example, when my wife took too long to bathe or when she complained of headaches and could not sleep for more than two days, I knew that all was not well. At those times, I quickly brought her to see the psychiatrist who would then adjust her medications. 

Hide your own feelings when you are sad, as their recovery will be slow

Even though caregivers may be heartbroken to see their loved ones hospitalised, it is best not to cry or display any sadness in front of them, as such emotions will not help in their recovery.