Conversation with The Queen

“Did you ask to see me, your Majesty?”, Meghan says, while curtseying clumsy.

“Yes, I did. You can take a seat. Andrew will fetch us tea”, Queen Elizabeth says, scanning Meghan’s look, from the bottom to the top. “Not there, darling. That’s my seat”.

“Her Majesty just reminded me of Sheldon Cooper.‘That's my spot’, Megan hysterically bursts into laughter.

“I didn’t have the pleasure to meet Mr. Cooper”, Queen Elizabeth says, intrigued.

“Oh, no, it’s just a character...” Meghan's cheeks turned red. “I couldn't help but notice it's not 5’o clock yet.”

“I will have the 5’o clock tea with the PM, dear.”

“I am so excited to meet Mr.Churchill. He is an emblematic figure for this country. No one could have done as much as he did.”

Poor Andrew almost dropped the hot tea.

“Certainly he is a historical figure”, The Queen's eyes twinkled with amusement, but she tried to keep her composure.

“Do you want sugar or honey, Mrs. Markle? Or maybe some milk?”, Andrew asks, politely.

“It is a hot day. Iced tea would be perfect if you don’t mind, Andrew.”

“That is an American habit, we don’t do it here, Miss Markle”, Andrew says, puzzled. Only regular, hot tea, ma'am.”

“I understand... can you fetch me some almond milk? I am lactose-intolerant. ”

“Your Majesty, you can spill the tea now. I imagine it must be an important matter.”

“I didn't know in your country you use to spill the tea before you drink it. It is some kind of superstition? Anyway, we don't do this here. You just drink it.”

“You don't actually spill the tea, it's just a saying. It means that Your Royal Highness is free to talk now.”

“Thank you for your permission, dear.”

“Almond or soy milk, Miss Markle?”

“Almond milk is fine, you are very kind, Andrew. Can I take a picture with you, serving us tea? It would be lovely for my Instagram.”

Andrews's perplexed expression is hard to overlook, and even more is the Queen’s.”

“You need to be taught some royal etiquette. Andrew, please contact Mr. Norton. He will teach her anything she needs to know. However, since you are here, I will begin with the very simple.  No one is allowed to expose our life on social media. We have authorized persons in charge of our social media accounts. That's the first lesson given to you. The second lesson would be that It's more common for me to allow people to talk, than the opposite, as it just happened recently. The third lesson, almost as important as the previous ones, is to enrich your culture, which, as far as I can see, will be a challenging task for Mrs. Norton. I already feel pity for him. Anyways, Mr. Churchill died more than 50 years ago. January 24, 1965, to be more precise. You can leave us alone now, Andrew, please.”

Meghan unexpectedly started to cry.

“I am so sorry, your Majesty. It wasn't my intention to upset you. I will do whatever it takes to fit into the royal family. It's an honor for me to be here.”

“You will also have to delete all your social media accounts. It's only Harry’s fault. He was supposed to give you some proper introduction into our world. At least the basics. After you will marry Harry, you can‘t give any autographs. No more selfies with your fans either.”

“Oh, my Gosh... you can't do this to me. My fans from all over the world will be crushed. Can we at least have Maroon 5 singing at our wedding? Or Ed Sheeran? He is British too. I am sure you would love him. I have always dreamt of a wedding on the beach. Wouldn’t be romantic?” Meghan asks, daydreaming.

“No one, ever, in this family, got married on the beach...”

“It will be the first, she says, interrupting Queen Elizabeth.”

“I believe St George’s Chapel would be more adequate, don't you think so?”

“If you consider it the right option for us, then it must be. Everything to fit in.”

“I have another right option in my mind. I hope you won't take my offer as an insult. This conversation must remain a secret, regardless of your answer. How about 10 million dollars and a main role in THE QUEEN series? You get to be ‘me‘ for a few years. But without having royal duties. You get the best of both worlds. Doesn't sound great? In return, you have to break up with Harry. I am just trying not to be selfish. It all looks like a fairytale from the outside, but in reality, is not. Not anyone is capable to bear and obey so many rules. It is completely understandable.”

Meghan couldn't believe what she just heard. Is this a bad dream?

“I sincerely love your grandson. It's heartbreaking you might believe I could ever leave him. Neither if you offer me all your fortune or main roles on Netflix series I would consider this an option. I will tell everyone what you just did to me.”

“Calm down, dear. It was only a royal test. The Duchess of Cambridge also had to go through it.”

“You also offered her the main role in one of the Netflix series?” she asks, displeased.

“Don’t worry, you are the only actress in this family. I mean, you will be. The meeting is over, soon I have to welcome the PM. Theresa May is her name, keep this in mind, please.”

“I will. Thank you for your time, Your Royal Highness. Are you willing to try Starbucks next time we meet? They have the best coffee in the world, you won't regret it.”

“That's very thoughtful, but I’d rather stick to my tea. A real British never gives up tea for coffee. Another thing you will need to change. You have to become more... British.”

“I getting better each day, don’t worry. Yesterday, at Mc Donalds, I’ve ordered chips instead of fries. Can you imagine how hard it was for me to order ‘chips’ when I am aware they are ‘fries’? Last week, I even tried the mint sauce on my steak and I enjoyed it. And I can’t forget about the spotted dick I have tried the first time I came to England. Probably one of the best dishes I ate here. I even apologized to someone who bumped into me, though it was obviously not my fault!”

“Seems like you on the right path, my dear. Now you have to excuse me...”

“Of course, I apologize”, Meghan finishes the conversation with a last clumsy curtsy.

AN HOUR LATER

“Good morning, Mr. Riot! You are talking to Meghan Markle. I have important news about The Queen. But is vital to keep the source secret. Can we meet tomorrow, for launch?”

DISCLAIMER: THIS SHORT STORY IS SUPPOSED TO BE FUNNY, NOT DISRESPECTFUL. A PARODY, IF YOU WANT. AND THE SPOTTED DICK, JUST IN CASE YOU DIDN’T KNOW ABOUT IT, IS A REAL BRITISH DISH. I DIDN’T MAKE IT UP.