Persuasion (or The Art of Seduction)

(contains some sexual references)

“Wowza! Will you just look at that!”

“I’ll fight you for her.”

“C’mon, man. You don’t have the balls.”

“You’re right, but just to keep up appearances – you know, with the gang.”

“Look, if I fought you, you’d lose the other ear.”

“Pardon?”

“I said–”

“Just kidding! Crikey. When you get horny, your sense of humour goes right out the window.”

“What can I say? It’s the chemicals.”

“Yep, I remember those days. Before … you know.”

“Don’t even mention it! It gives me the willies.”

“At least they didn’t take that and all!”

“Ha! I’m glad you can joke about it.”

“What’s a guy going to do, mope?”

“I would.”

“No, not worth it. I had my fun. Can’t complain. But I wouldn’t mind going again … with her.”

“She’s spectacular, isn’t she?”

“The tail!”

“Mmm.”

“And the eyes.”

“Those eyes!”

“Crystal blue!”

“And a bit crossed.”

“I love that.”

“Is she lookin’ over here?”

“I can’t tell.”

“Yeah, on account of–”

“The crossed eyes.”

“Yeah.”

“Well, she’s looking in this general direction. Could be at Bobby, though.”

“Nah. He smells.”

“Well, we all smell … a bit.”

“Not like him. He smells like a bloody fish market.”

“Some girls like that.”

“I don’t see how.”

“Just trust me, they do.”

“Did you smell like that before … y’know?”

“Possibly.”

“Hang on. There she goes. She’s really puttin’ it on today.”

“I suppose we should join the procession.”

“What do you mean ‘we’?”

“Can’t I come with you and watch?”

“You can come with me, but you ain’t watchin’!”

“Ah, go on.”

“Do you want a clout round the chops?”

“Okay, okay! But I can tag along, can’t I? Until you…”

“All right. But just so’s we’re clear. No one watches me while I’m at it. Got me?”

“Gotcha!”

“I think I should get rid of the others, though. I don’t mind a bit of competition, but if there’s fightin’ involved, I tend to lose my … er … mojo.”

“I could have a go at them for you, if you like.”

“Thanks, but after … y’know … I don’t think you’re really up to a big tussle.”

“Ah, you’re right. I keep forgetting. The mind’s willing, but the body’s weak.”

“And not a hundred per cent intact.”

“You keep banging on about that. I thought you didn’t want me to mention it?!”

“It’s the details I’m squeamish about. The fact itself … well, it’s a fact, isn’t it?”

“Can we just forget about it? It’s making me very self-conscious.”

“All right. Soz.”

“I accept your humble apology.”

“Oy! Nothin’ humble about it!”

“Crikey! There you go again! We’ve got to do something about those chemicals!”

“What d’you think I’m tryin’ to do?!”

“That’s right. Quick, she’s stepping through the fence.”

“How can she negotiate that with those eyes?”

“Oh, I think they just look off. To us, I mean. She sees perfectly.”

“Not too perfectly, I hope. I didn’t have time for a wash ’n’ brush-up this mornin’.”

“I was going to say…”

“Really? You think I don’t look the part?”

“No, you’re okay. Just kidding again. You look fabulous.”

“Fab–?! Here, you haven’t … gone the way, have you?”

“Gone the…? No, no. Me?! No!”

“Only you’re my best friend. And I’m not sure…”

“Look, I haven’t gone the way, as you put it. But even if I had – and I haven’t! – I would think we’d still be mates, no?”

“Yeah, ’course.”

“You don’t sound very convinced.”

“’Course we would!”

“All right. So. What about the competition, then? How are you going to get rid of them.”

“Well, I’d just have to look funny at most o’ them and they’d scarper. But it’s Bobby I’m worried about.”

“Yep, he’s a tough cat.”

“You’re tellin’ me! I was in a fight with him last week. We were goin’ at it tooth and nail.”

“Who won?”

“Funnily enough, neither of us. I had him by the neck and was winnin’. But it wasn’t over. Then suddenly…”

“What?”

“Nah … it’s okay.”

“Go on.”

“I’m embarrassed.”

“You’re embarrassed! You’ve been on at me all morning about my … you know. I’m the one who should be embarrassed. Come on. Spit it out. What’s the problem? Cat got your tongue?”

“I hate that expression.”

“Me too, actually. I don’t know why I said it really.”

“All right. So… There was me and Bobby at it in the street – me winnin’, remember! – and this guy appears. An absolute mess. Skinny. Coat all threadbare. One eye missin’.”

“Sounds like a right picture.”

“By the looks of him, you could’ve knocked him down with a feather.”

“Okay. So, what’s that got to do with the fight?”

“We carried on, and I was winnin’–”

“Yep, you were winning. I get it! What happened next?!”

“This new guy – I’d never seen him before – jus’ started makin’ this noise. It was like … screamin’. Like somethin’ from hell itself. It fair gave me the willies.”

“Don’t start that again!”

“Soz. Yeah. Really eerie. Now, I’m not easily scared, as you know.”

“…”

“What’s that?”

“I didn’t say anything.”

“Exactly!”

“I don’t understand.”

“I said ‘I’m not easily scared, as you know’.”

“Okay?”

“So…?”

“Ah, I get you. Yep, I know.”

“Thank you. I’m not easily scared, so I held my ground. But Bobby – well, he turned tail and skedaddled like the devil himself was after him.”

“Your point being?”

“I don’t have to fight Bobby, just try to reproduce the sound that skinny guy made.”

“And that’s your plan?”

“Plan A.”

“What’s Plan B?”

“I may not need a Plan B. Hang on. Let’s get some air in the ol’ lungs first. One. Two. Three. Okay, here goes. Skreeeeaaaargh!”

“Very good. You’ve got rid of the rest of them, but Bobby’s still here. And it looks like he might not mind going another round with you.”

“Ah, man. I didn’t want to fight.”

“I know. Your mojo. Wait a mo’. Let me try. SKREEEEAAAARGH!”

“Blimey! That did it! Never seen him move so fast!”

“It’s all in the volume.”

“I can see. Thanks!”

“So, she’s all yours now. On the other side of the fence. Waiting.”

“If she hasn’t scarpered as well after all that wailin’.”

“No, I can see her eyes through the slats. Look.”

“Ah, yeah. So … here goes, then.”

“Hang on. What’s your opening gambit going to be?”

“My openin’…?”

“Gambit. I mean, what are you going to say to her?”

“Say?”

“Yep, you know. To seduce her and all.”

“Sedu–? I’m just gonna jump her!”

“What?! You can’t do that!”

“Watch me!”

“You told me not to watch you!”

“Ah, yeah, that’s right.”

“No, man. I’ve heard about her. ‘Hard to get’ doesn’t enter into it. You can’t just go charging in there.”

“Why not? It’s all I ever do.”

“Think about it. I mean, do you want her to remember you for a quick jump? Or a beautiful moment of gentle love?”

“I don’t want her to remember me at all!”

“Of course you do! And … it’ll be more pleasure for you, too.”

“Says the king of the lovers!”

“Actually, I was once, before … you know.”

“Okay, then, lover boy. What do you suggest?”

“Here’s what I used to do. You know how we just scared Bobby off with a bit of noise?”

“You did.”

“Yep, with noise. Cranked up to 11. Well … what’s the opposite of ‘scaring off’?”

“Attractin’?”

“Precisely! And what’s the opposite of ‘loud’?”

“Dunno. Quiet? Soft?”

“You’ve got it! So what you need to do is be soft and quiet. Girls like that.”

“You sure?”

“Positive. Come on. Let’s practise. After me. Prrrrr.”

“PRRRRR!”

“Nonono! Soft and gentle, I said! Try again.”

“Like this? Prrrrr?”

“That’s it! Perfect! You’ve even got me going!”

“Oy!”

“Just kidding … again! Crikey. Let’s get those chemicals sorted.”

“Are you sure it’ll work?”

“A hundred per cent. Come on now. Away you go. I’ll wait here.”

“Okay. Wish me luck.”

“Luck!”

*****

“So?”

“That was amazin’!”

“What did I tell you?!”

“She wants to see me again.”

“There you go.”

“Really appreciate the help.”

“My pleasure.”

“Plea–?! Hey, you weren’t peekin’, were you?”

“No … but I was tempted, I must say.”

“Hmmm. All right. Now, that method of yours – y’know, soft and quiet. Has that got a name?”

“I like to call it ‘Purrsuasion’.”

“Or ‘Prrrrrsuasion’!”

“Ha! Yep. Prrrrr.”

“Prrrrr.”