Once Upon a Time on a School Bus

My name is Ralph Ferguson, and I’m a tenth-grader at Union High. It’s almost the end of the year, and time to plan our annual class trip. Every tenth-grade class before us has gone to Spencer’s Beach, so we all voted to do the same. It’s a large lake with a small amusement park attached. The food hall serves chili dogs and clam cakes with corn on the cob. For five dollars a student, it’s an all-you-can-eat affair.

I’m excited about the trip because the girl I like is also going. She’s a cute little redhead named Maureen O’ Mara who lives three houses down from me. We’ve been friends since elementary school, and I know she likes me too. She has changed a lot since we were kids. She still has dark red hair and freckles that race across her button nose, but now it all looks so much cuter. And she is so sweet. Everyone likes her because she’s so friendly and willing to help others no matter what. I must admit that I put my backpack on the seat next to me to save her a place on the bus.  I love the way she smells. Not to sound naughty, but I like to sneak peeks at her legs next to mine.  Today we're discussing Saturday’s upcoming class trip.

“Hey, Maureen, the weatherman says it's gonna be nice and sunny this Saturday. So it should be nice for swimming and stuff.”

“Yes, I know that’s great, uh.” Maureen glances away with her big blue eyes while rubbing her hands up and down her thighs. “I’ ve bought a new swimsuit just for the trip. I hope you like it.”  My mouth goes dry as my heart races in my chest. I start turning red, just thinking about Maureen in a swimming suit. I know I need to say something and start to stammer, “Uh, ah, say Maureen do you think it would be okay if we ride the Ferris wheel?”

“Sure, I think that will be fun. But wait! What if it stops, and we’re stuck up at the top?” I boldly say, “Don’t worry. I’ll put my arm around you and keep you safe.”  Maureen smiles and moves closer until our shoulders are touching.

Bucky LaFleur moans and tells us to get a room. Maureen turns and slaps him playfully. “You stop that, Bucky! And I hope you won’t run around trying to splash everybody, either. You know how we girls hate getting our hair wet!” A light appears in his usually dull eyes, and I say, “Huh, I think you just gave him an idea.” Lee Parker, the pastor’s kid, says, “As gentlemen, we should always treat girls with respect." Everyone around him groans and throws pencils and wads of paper at him.

Chunky Peterson says he can hardly wait for the dining hall. Someone else says, “ I bet they’ll be sorry that it’s all you can eat when they see Chunky!” Everybody laughs, including Chunky.

                                                              …

On Saturday morning, all the parents drop us off and give last-minute reminders and instructions. For example, the parents of Gwen, the pale little Swedish girl, remind her to use plenty of sunblock. And I hear Chunky’s parents tell him not to swim right after eating. And lastly, Lee’s dad prays to the Lord to keep us all safe. With that, a great cheer goes up as we race to the bus.

Our bus driver is also our chaperone, Coach LaBeau. He’s our phys-ed teacher and former golden gloves champion of Detroit. He’s about forty-five years old and still in pretty good shape. I guess because it’s a class trip, they have us sit with the boys on the right and the girls on the left. I sit with my best friend Paul and our buddy Dicky. Maureen sits right across the aisle with Patty and Wendy. The ride up there is pretty uneventful. We sing songs and play word games.  An hour and a half later, we pass under a large arched sign that reads “Spencer’s Beach-Home of Family Fun.” We pull into an area marked school bus parking only and get off. Blowing his whistle, Coach LaBeau calls us together to give his speech.

“All right! Listen up. I want you to have fun, but please be careful. No running around.” He looks straight at Bucky LaFleur, “Or getting into trouble! If anyone needs me, I’ll be touring the park, or you can find me sitting under the trees by the penny arcade. Now go and have some fun!” We all cheer and run off in different directions. I grab Maureen’s hand and head for the Ferris wheel.

The day is beautiful, and everyone is having a great time. Unfortunately, we never do get stuck at the top of the Ferris wheel, but I manage to sneak in a little kiss when it stops to let people on. After that, we stroll down the arcade's main avenue and play a few games of chance. At the dart-throwing booth, I win Maureen a little stuffed bear that she named Herman. The dining hall opens at noon, but we decide to go swimming first. Sure enough, Bucky is running around, splashing all the girls.

Maureen steps out of the girls changing room in her new bathing suit. She walks up to me with her hands behind her back and stops. Twisting a little from side to side, she asks, “So, how do you like it?” I feel like one of those cartoon characters with his eyes protruding out of his head. It is a small one-piece suit with lace across the top and a fake skirt on the bottom. The top is cut low, and the sides at her hips are cut high. I fight everything in me to keep from looking like a fool, “It looks really nice on you.” Maureen looks both ways before rushing to me, throwing her arms around my neck, and kissing me. The lake is still cold, so we sort of wade into the water, scattering a group of tiny fish as we go. It’s not long before Maureen hears my stomach grumble and says we should eat. 

Everybody is already there. The hall is alive with talk and laughter. I see Chunky with three paper plates in front of him. One is full of chili dogs, the second with a big pile of clam cakes, and the third has a heaping tower of hot buttered corn on the cob. Maureen takes two chili dogs and a few clam cakes. I just have a half dozen cakes and a drink. Maureen says she can’t believe how hungry she is and gets more clam cakes and some corn. I must admit I’m a little surprised by the amount of food she is eating.

Now that we’re well fed, Maureen changes back into her clothes, and we return to the bus to head home. Everyone is tired and quiet as we roll down the road. I hear some of the kids remarking on how much Chunky ate. “Can you believe it? A dozen chili dogs and two dozen clam cakes!” Someone else adds, "Yeah! And I think he had at least a pound of cole slaw, too!” It isn’t long before Chunky starts to feel uncomfortable from all that food.

“Hey, Coach! How much longer before we get home?”

“I don’t know. Maybe fifteen to twenty minutes. Why?”

Chunky doesn’t want to say he’s got to poop, so he says, “I was just wondering. That’s all.” He squirms in his seat, sweat forming on his upper lip. Alan, the quarterback for our football team, is sitting next to Chunky. Frowning, he looks Chunky up and down. “What’s the matter with you? You look like you’re gonna hurl or something. I’m telling you right now, you’d better not hurl on me, or I’ll punch your lights out!”

Leaning back into the corner, Chunky holds his hands up, “No, no. I’m fine, really.” He no sooner says that when a “pssst” sound comes from behind him. His eyes grow huge. "OH, NO!” he gasps. Alan pushes himself away as far as possible, “OH, God! I think he just shit himself!” Chunky jumps up and grabs his behind while biting his bottom lip. As he hops up and down, he keeps making little tooting sounds that cause Dennis Gray to burst out laughing, which in turn causes him to fart too. Alan grabs Dennis’s baseball cap and starts hitting him with it. "What the hell are you guys trying to do? KILL me!" LaFleur thinks this is the funniest thing he has ever seen and joins in by farting up a storm. 

People are screaming and begging for mercy, but the show just keeps unfolding with the air at the back of the bus turning an odorous shade of green.

“For God’s sake, why don’t these windows open!” whimpers Jimmy Darling fighting with the windows in vain. “ I think I gonna be sick!”

As the volume of the farts and screams increases, it starts to sound like the grand finally of the Fourth of July fireworks display. I look over to see how Maureen is doing and see her with her hands covering her face. 

She’s sort of bouncing in place, and I think perhaps she is crying when suddenly she starts to laugh hysterically and lets out a tremendously loud fart that seems to lift her off her seat. At which, both Patty and Wendy give a high-pitched scream, “M-A-U-R-E-E-N!” Wendy scuttles over the seat in front of her with little regard for her skirt, flashing her embossed black panties that say Saturday in red. Patty scrambles across the aisle and lands in the lap of Lee Parker! Parker turns bright red and jumps up, dumping poor Patty on the floor.

Bruce Brown rushes up front to the Coach, desperately wanting to know when we will be home. The Coach, who looks a little pale, leans to one side and lifts his right butt cheek, and the sound that slips out of him is unreal. The deep, thick, rich sound of wet, bubbling molasses fills the bus. Everything goes silent. Then all at once, screams of terror erupt. People are pleading with God to spare their lives. Lee Parker is certain that this is the end and falls to his knees to confess his sins. He looks at Patty lying there and takes her by her shoulders, "I don't want to die without knowing what it is like to kiss a girl." He then plants a deep passionate kiss right on Patty's lips. Poor Patty protests at first and tries to push him away but soon gives into the passion and kisses Lee back.

The bus comes to a sliding stop as all the doors fly open. Kids tumble out, staggering around, gasping for air. Girls run crying to their mothers. Coach stands with his hands on his knees, unable to answer any questions.

I work my way through the mayhem and find Maureen.

“You must think I’m an awful person! I’m so embarrassed.” she sobs. “It was those chili dogs, I swear it! Didn’t they bother you?”

I shake my head, “I didn’t have any. But from the looks of the rest of you guys, I’m glad I didn’t. I will tell you this, though. This class trip will be remembered for the rest of our lives. I know I won’t forget it or the smell!”