Silence is Strength

It was windy but comfortable. Winter was setting in and ‘Buono’ was the place to be to enjoy the best Tiramisu after a hearty meal.

I was hosting a dinner after many years on my birthday, hoping to make it special with just my family. The table was beautifully done up in gold and white. The lilies were arranged in tiny vases and spread across the length of the table. The golden tableware sparkled in the swaying candlelight. My parents sat across looking happy.

“Henry, you’ve kept our daughter so happy!” said Mom.

Henry passed a smile and went out to welcome a couple whom I saw for the first time.

“Meet my wife, Serena,” said Henry.

“Serena, this is Nathan and his wife Amelia.”

Amelia hugged me gently and handed over a small bag to me.

“Enjoy your birthday,” she spoke.

“Nathan, Amelia, and I were at university together. Amelia and I dated but Nathan took her away.”

I lifted my glass to sip my Vin Brule when I noticed Nathan staring at me. I squirmed in my seat and did what he did. I stared into his amber eyes and he looked away with a smirk, twirling his glass of scotch and sipping it on the rocks. Henry and Amelia were there too.

“Nathan and Amelia, you must come over for a meal to our place,” said Henry.

“My wife, Serena creates magic in the kitchen and in b…”

“Henry!” I spoke sternly.

A long and awkward silence befell while we made a spectacle of ourselves before Nathan, Amelia, and my parents. Nobody spoke for a few minutes, perhaps there was nothing left to speak.

Nathan cleared his throat and broke the silence. Finally, Dad spoke.

“Son-in-law, your wit left us in splits,” said Dad, breaking a deafening silence. Clearly, he looked embarrassed.

“Did I say something wrong?” He ran his fingers on my back, visible from the dress I wore. I stirred, and the discomfort was visible on my face. Henry moved his hand away. I looked down at my plate and pierced my fork into the crisp lettuce and kept twirling the fork around.

“Serena, can I have a dance with you?”

Nathan let out his hand, hoping I would give mine in his.

“I am sorry, I twisted my ankle before you came in.” I lied, but he understood.

Henry stared. He was the kind of man I don’t think I was meant for. Consumed with doubt and insecurities, he kept me tight, blister-packed in a confinement. I was suffocated, my spirit caged…

“Serena, my husband wants to dance with you, how would you disagree?”

“Amelia, perhaps the timing was inappropriate.”

Dinner was served followed by giant cups of Tiramisu, as per my order. Perhaps, that was the good part about the evening. It lifted my dampened spirit, making me forget the episode that had occurred.

“Thank God for Tiramisu,” I spoke in undertones.

We said our goodbyes and I limped my way out, hoping he would believe me. The drive home was silent.

“Missing Nathan?” Henry’s question pierced me through.

I wanted to agree…

“My ankle hurts, Henry.”

”I need my painkiller, please drive home fast,” I pleaded, hoping this excruciating drive would come to an end. He exerted pressure on the accelerator and we were home in no time. I quickly changed and slid under the covers. Henry placed his bulky arm around me, which felt like a boulder, especially tonight. He slid the straps off my satin gown and put his lips on my shoulder.

“Henry, not tonight, please,” I spoke resolutely, giving rise to his rage.

He slammed his fist into the wall, and went out for a smoke, cursing me under his breath. That was every year’s birthday ritual. He never let it be a “happy birthday” for me. The next morning Henry left for work even before I woke up. The sound of his zooming vehicle diminished.

“Thank God!” I thought to myself.

I turned around to check what time it was, but I noticed my cellphone, ringing. I disconnected the call making myself comfortable under the covers for some more time.

His amber eyes were back on me, but this time I couldn’t stop scanning his well-built frame. There was something about him that drew me closer, his sharp jaw, his stubble, and perhaps the inviting glint in his eyes.

“Can I have a dance with you, Serena,” his husky voice made me rise to my toes.

I kept my hand in his, exposing my manicured hands. My hand slid into his while he ushered me to the dance floor. The music was soft, just the way I liked it. The stars twinkled and watched us. He held me close because I shivered. Was it the nip in the air or was it him?

“You are lovely,” he whispered into my ear.

Another couple or two danced on the floor.

“It seems crowded here,” I suggested.

He looked straight in my eye, not speaking a word. All he did was, pass a smile. The music got louder and faster. He whisked me away to the corner of the floor and back to the table where we sat…

The phone rang again, I opened my eyes, and damn it was 2:00 pm. I slept the entire morning drooling over a man whom I didn’t know. But who kept calling me? I scanned the number but I had no inkling. I dialed the number but it got disconnected immediately. Brushing that thought aside, I fueled myself with a hot cup of hazelnut coffee. I flipped through the pages of the newspaper.

“Nothing exciting,” I thought to myself.

I took a large and final sip of my brew and stood below the shower. The cold water awakened every pore of my skin, bringing me back to reality. The refreshing fragrance of the lime and citrus bath gel added some zing to me, but then I remembered Henry. I got out of the shower and dried myself, slipped into loose tracks and a tank.

I dialed Henry.

“Hey love, coming home for lunch?”

“I am on my way.”

“Damn!” I muttered.

His red convertible screeched into the driveway and he marched into the room. He kept his laptop bag aside and threw himself upon me. I could inhale the alcohol from the previous night but there was no way I could say anything to him, this time.

My eyes were shut. But all I could see was, Nathan…

“Serena, you are awesome!” He said, certifying the excellence of my womanhood.

“Wasn’t that the perfect birthday gift?”

I got dressed and laid the table for lunch. Lunch was quiet, we both ate our usual salad and an enormous piece of chicken breast.

“Juicy,” he said, winking at me!

I did not bother much about what he said. He ate and left for work.

“See you, honey!” Saying that he left, leaving me in peace. Such moments of pleasure were rare…

I walked back to bed, scrolling through my phone. It rang again, and I immediately answered.

“Hello”

“Serena…”

That husky voice, how I longed to hear it. I softened my tone.

“Hi…” I whispered.

“Looks like you were waiting for my call. How’s the ankle? Still hurting?”

He remembered…

“I did not want to create a scene there, knowing Henry. Used the ‘ankle’ as an excuse. I am sorry about last night.” I asked, meekly.

“I am around your area, coffee in an hour?”

“Henry isn’t home…”

“So, are you calling me home?” he whispered.

I laughed.

“I mean Henry is at work, maybe later when he comes.”

“I would have called Henry if I wanted to have coffee with him.”

Bewildered, I wondered why was he asking me to join him for coffee.

“Make up your mind. I will call in ten minutes,” and he hung up.

I opened my cupboard, and stared…

“Was I going on a date?”

“Was this just a coffee?”

“Should Henry know?”

A message flashed on my phone that said “Yes or No.”

A million thoughts raced my mind, but my gut said, “Get ready, go!”

“Yes.” I hit the send button.

I tied my hair high and wore my black shirt, white pants, nude lipstick, a hint of blush, and flat shoes. I sat into my car and drove to ‘Frappe and Froth.’

I opened the door and was greeted by the warm hues of the sunrise. The contrasting deep blue sofas had made many comfortable in the past. But now it was me. I dialed the number from where he called, but it got disconnected. Fifteen minutes passed by, and I began to get impatient. I kept checking the time and my phone.

“Wonder if he’s fooling me?” I spoke to myself. It never occurred to me to take a number where I could call him. In all my absent-mindedness, I sat at the café, foolishly. Just then the door pushed open and I could see Henry. My heart skipped a beat.

“What if he sees me?” I thought.

But who was the lady with him? I looked closely.

“That’s Amelia!”

“No wonder he was making me feel guilty…”

I walked up to him, looking him straight in the eye.

“S… S…Serena…” Henry stammered.

“Yes, Henry…”

“Nice to see the two of you here,” I spoke confidently, hoping Nathan wouldn’t arrive.

“Serena, how come you are here?” Henry asked, his temper flaring.

“Are you here with someone?” Henry asked me.

“I wish I was…” I left in a fit of fury.

Driving back home, I was disturbed. Where was Nathan?

My phone rang, from the same number. I burst into a stream of tears, losing my mind. I didn’t take his call.

But before I reached, Nathan was there, at the entrance of the building.

He held my wrist firmly.

“It hurts, and why are you chasing me?”

“I am sorry, I couldn’t call. My battery died.”

“I was right next to the café, charging my phone. I had seen Henry and Amelia and didn’t want to enter there. Amelia is his secretary. Anyway, I knew you would eventually leave so I have been here for thirty minutes, waiting for you.”

My body burned with desire. He loosened my wrist but grabbed my waist.

“It’s crowded here,” he spoke softly, close to my neck.

As much as he knew what he was doing to me, I just made it more apparent to him. 

“I’ll call you soon, Henry must be coming home. See you.”

I took the lift up, but before I reached, he called. We chatted for hours and spoke about everything under the sun. It was a conversation I hadn’t had in years. It was a connection that was formed, instantly. The two hours we spoke that evening seemed to fly by. My silence had broken, perhaps. 

Henry returned late that night, smelling of alcohol. He rushed straight for a shower and tried grabbing me. While I declined, he fought and continued for the rest of the night. I wept onto my pillow and finally gave in to his demands. Again, a mechanical process was completed. The next morning, Henry broke the silence between us.

“I am sorry.”

“For?”

“I think you didn’t like I was with Amelia.”

My indifference kept me from saying much. There had been more harm done to me than good in this marriage. Years of trauma had dulled my desires, wishes, and wants. My self-esteem had deteriorated. 

“My boss had hired Amelia. She is now my personal secretary.”

“So, what are the benefits of a secretary?” I spoke with a smirk.

“Oh! Shut up!” He left the room in a rage, had his breakfast, and left.

That whole morning my phone did not ring. I was restless. I hoped everything was fine with Nathan. I showered, changed, and got into my best clothes. I felt liberated seeing Henry with another woman. But why did my phone not ring?

I usually listened to music when I was happy. Today, everything felt incredible an then the phone rang.

“Yes, Henry…” hoping he wouldn’t return for lunch.

“I’ll be back after two days, don’t leave the house.”

“Sure,” I disconnected, feeling elated.

I got back to my music, tossed my favorite salad, and treated myself to wine and then some dark chocolate. Life was good…

“Coffee again?” He spoke.

“Finally, you got the time to call…”

“I was busy with work, and nobody else.”

Why was he re-assuring me?

“I can’t leave, Henry is away.”

“Amelia too!”

We spoke for hours that evening, we discussed our marriages, our childhood, families, and everything…I wish I could be with him, maybe for a few minutes.

The next morning the doorbell rang, continuously. I woke up with a jolt, feeling a pang of anxiety.

“Henry?”

“Surprised?” he asked.

“Shocked?” yet, another question.

I hated him… He was testing me.

“I was waiting for you…Henry.”

“Really,” he spoke delightfully, while the stench of alcohol filled the room. I didn’t want to question him where he was the entire night.

He threw himself on the sofa.

“Is Amelia there, too?”

He slapped me hard.

“Stay within your limits,” he ordered, pushing me aside. He thought I would meekly cry off the beating and obey. In a flash, the hideous moments of the past came before my eyes. I remembered waking up with a bleeding knee, a swollen eye, and cuts on my wrists… The nights when he didn’t let me sleep, the nights when he abused me. Perhaps, he was getting there again.

I pulled the metal water bottle lying on my side and hit him hard. He screamed in agony, perhaps something he should have gone through years ago. He tried coming closer but I screamed at him.

“You unleashed a demon inside you that I didn't know existed. The atrocities I have endured have helped me become a stronger person. We spent a lot of time together and were able to create a lot of pleasant memories. Those are what I'm leaving with.” My surge of strength grew stronger.

“How dare you!” he shouted, trying to scare me.

I walked out with my wallet, cards, and a heavy heart, never looking back… I decided nobody could define me.

“Serena, let’s make this work,” he pleaded.

“It’s late now! I need to go.”

I left with my head high, feeling proud. The air was cold and invigorating, but the sun was crisp. It was winter for everyone, but I was experiencing ‘spring.’

That day, I blocked Henry out of my life and Nathan too. Pasts are pasts. I moved on, silently into a silence where I belonged.