If I Had Done Something Different

I kept telling myself that I had to do it. No matter how much I did not want to, I made a promise that I intended to keep. The date was March 19, 2020. According to the calendar, it was the first day of spring. I put on my coat and grabbed twenty dollars. I walked outside and locked my door. I then began walking over to main street where I could go to Mays’ Flower shop. I pushed open the door and heard the ring of the bell. I went and picked up a bouquet of lotus. Her favorite. I head to the checkout line and wait patiently. When I get to the front, the lady working rings up my flowers and says, “That will be 19.95. Something special for her?” I reply, “yup.” and hand her the twenty. She gives me my flowers and I walk away. I start to head to the Klenners Cemetery, and start to think to myself, what if I had done something different? I walk to her grave, and gently place the flowers down. I told her that I loved her, and walked away. I then start to go down First street. I walk around aimlessly for a while until I remember that I have therapy in twenty minutes. I begin to walk to Dr. Micheals office. I get there and check in, and sit in the waiting area. Ten minutes go by, but to me it felt like an eternity. Lately, everything has been feeling like an eternity to me. He calls me into his office, and tells me to sit down. I comply and sit in a very overstuffed, fluffy chair. He then begins to ask me the same question all of the therapists have asked, “What happened that day?” That is when I begin to tell him the story. “It was a morning kind of like this one. Me and my fiancé, Miya, had just ate at Mollys’ Cafe. She had eggs benedict and I had chicken and waffles. We paid for our meals and went to walk down main street. She saw the little flower shop on the corner and convinced me to go in with her. We go inside and look around. That is when she sees the lotus. She immediately falls in love with the flower and so I buy her one for her hair. I hand it to her and she gives me a kiss. We then head home to watch her favorite show, Good Girls. I hated that show but I would have moved mountains for her. Everything goes like normal until she decides she wants Asian food for dinner. So we call the restaurant and place an order for pick up. We put on our jackets and I grabbed my keys and we began to head out. It was raining so we decided to take the car. We got in and buckled up and I started to drive. The rain seemed to get worse the more we drove. I take a look at her, and she smiles. Her face in the moonlight, with her brunette hair, and her eyes as blue as sapphires, I realize that I will never need anything but her. She was my love, my light and my heart. I must have been in a daze because the next thing I know she is screaming for me to turn. BAM! Is all I heard before I realized what had happened. We crashed. The next thing that happened was my ears began ringing. I could not move. My leg was trapped in the door. That is the last thing I remember before blacking out. I wake up as I am being wheeled into the emergency room. “44 millimeters of eppi stat!” I hear a doctor say. I was petrified I could not speak. As I was being wheeled down the hall, I began to think of the song she used to sing. If only, If only, the woodpecker cries, the bark on the trees was as soft as the skies. As the wolf waits below, hungry and lonely, he cries to the moo-oon, if only, if only. I was frantically looking for Miya. It hurt to move. I started to cry. As the first tear fell down my face, I asked with a very weak voice, “Is she okay?” the nurse looked at me with tears in her eyes. “We don't know.” I blacked out again. The next time I wake up, I am in a room hooked up to machines with tubes coming in and out of me. I look at one of the nurses on duty and she notices me. She walks over to the bed where I am laying still, and says, “I hate having to tell you this but, we are sorry. We tried everything to save her but she had glass shards in her brain. She died on the way here.” I began to cry. The nurse tried to condole me, but it was no use. I lost the love of my life. I wished that it could have been me instead of her. I was so mad at God for taking her life. She was my everything. Without her, I was nothing more than chopped liver that had been chewed up and spat back out. I cried and cried until my eyes were dried out. I called for a nurse and asked for a telephone so that I could call our families. She said to me, “We already took care of it. We truly are sorry. Now get some rest before you make yourself sick.”A few weeks later, I was released back into the world. I ended up having a small funeral for her. I buried her in her wedding dress so she could at least wear it once. I still wear my wedding band even though we never were able to get married. It has been three years since the accident and I hate myself for not going to visit her sooner. I just can't stop thinking about what might have happened if I had paid attention instead of losing focus. If it were not for me, Miya would still be alive.  I don't think I will ever be able to move on from her. She is the first thing I think of in the morning, and the last thing I think of at night before I sleep. If only I had done something different”.