Ghosthood

Half a year has passed since I died. I don’t like remembering it, it’s not something I want to be a part of, since I died so young I feel incredibly depressed thinking about it. While I was crossing the street I was hit by an incoming cat. It all happened too fast. At first I thought I had somehow avoided it, I didn’t know how but I was still standing, the passing car felt like wind, not so gentle that I wouldn't notice it but also not so forceful that id would push me. My eyes were closed tight during the whole time, squeezing them shut, with so much pressure I thought they were going to pop back into my head. After opening them I was still standing there, at first I thought that maybe it was all a hallucination or something like that. I stood there for another breath, I looked in front of me to the other side of the street, where I attempted to get to, but then I heard a crowd of people, I turned my head to the direction the car was heading and I went over there and there I saw it. My dead, limp body on the ground. It was surreal, everybody has seen their reflection in a mirror, but having your 3 dimensional self right in front of you is another experience in itself. When I saw it I was in a frozen shock, it felt like when you break something and you know you it can’t be fixed so you’re just there. After that initial shock, came a panic three times greater in emotional intensity than what I felt when I saw my body. It’s human nature to hate the act of losing something, the human brain values what it already has sometimes in opposition to the risk of having something better. I was in that situation I had lost something that can presumably never get back. The one, most valuable possession of mine, my life. I didn’t even notice what the people around me were doing, they were probably calling an ambulance or checking my pulse or something, but it didn’t matter because my life among them was over.

As time passed I slowly got used to being dead. My funeral had come and went. I couldn’t bring myself to attend, it would have just depressed me even more than I currently am, seeing my weeping parents and friends. It would just be too much for me, I would rather visit them while they are happy and living their normal lives, I don’t want death to be the only way I can be apart of their lives. Over time I had learned that there was no point in stressing about what had already happened and that I should just enjoy my ghosthood in peace. I’ve thought of something I could do with my newly found ghostly abilities, I could visit all the places I’ve only ever dreamed of going to in during my life, but I should set that for another time considering I have to walk there, but it could be a fun journey, trekking on roads that pass through cold evergreen forest, long coastlines overlooking the ocean and considering I can’t drown exploring coral reefs and underground caverns until I arrive at my designated location or if I’m feeling lazy I could just get on a plane, it wouldn’t cost me any money but it would just be too boring. It’s kind of sad that I wouldn’t be able to interact with any of the people at the places i visit, but being a ghost also means visiting locations that would otherwise be too dangerous for a living person to go to. Like the tip of a volcano or a vicious rainforest. But I do miss eating though, I can’t taste anything, I can no longer taste all the feeds that gave me joy in the past, but at least I don’t have to buy it since I don’t need it, but it’s not like I’m saving money. I get to have no personal possessions as a ghost. My old apartment is now owned by someone new, I’ve always found it weird how ghosts in horror movies are extremely protective of their former home and how they would kill anyone who stepped foot there, but now I think I understand it, I too don’t want some dirty stranger coming in the place where I used to live and changing everything so it’s no longer recognizable. 

I also feel really lonely, as far as I’m aware I can’t see or interact with other ghosts, if there even are others like me. I don’t find it believable that I’m the only one, why would I be special. Maybe all of this is a figment of my imagination, maybe all of this is taking place in a single half second in the real world during my immediate death. Frankly I don’t know and wondering about it sure won’t do me any good at this point, I should just enjoy my semi-real existence for as much time as I got left, which might be infinite for all I know.

There is one thing I’ve been looking forward to though, Halloween. I’ve loved Halloween ever since I can remember and with that love came an interest for all things creepy. As a kid I used to  read horror books under my blankets late at night with a flashlight tucked beneath my chin holding it in place as I swept through the pages, lost in a world that was as interesting as it was frightening. Later I became enthralled by horror films, I love all of them from the early black and white silent films, to mid-80’s slashers. Some of the stuff gave me serious nightmares and made me scared of almost anything. It was at such a degree that it became a point of concern for my parents, they tried to stop me from consuming any scary media, but I just couldn’t get enough of it. I remember how, after watching an extremely scary film I couldn't sleep an entire night, because of how scared I was of a ghost I saw in the movie, I later had to sleep with the light on for an entire week after, because I couldn’t fall asleep any other way.

But now, ironically, I have become that, what I once feared. I would have preferred the role of one of the human protagonists if I ever was to be in a horror movie, hopefully the one that survives, but being the spirit lurking in the darkness isn’t that bad. Well at least I can now make a horror movie scenario for some other people, be the change you want to see in the world. And now that it’s Halloween it would be quite fun to prank some unsuspecting strangers.

The streets this time of year were beautiful, with ocher shades of leaves gently dancing in the wind, as the wind carried me in a direction full of possibilities. What made it better was the decorations, jack o'lantern around every house, some with cobwebs and plastic skeletons. It was around dusk, during golden hour, even though I lost the ability to touch I could still feel the barley warm enough sunlight passing to me, as it was fading into night. I walked around and looked for opportunities to strike. But I didn’t want to do something that might hurt or traumatize someone, so I tried to be more kid friendly. I didn’t have much luck, the only method of scaring I could think of at the time was moving decorations as trick-or-treaters passed by. But as the moon shone directly above and the hours close to midnight came. I overheard a group of teens talking about going to the graveyard at the edge of town, and at that moment I thought I found the perfect victims. It turns out trying to scare someone isn’t that simple as ghost movies portray it, I don’t know how I can make them afraid, and the most I could accomplish were minor inconveniences. As they were walking I tried to scare them by shaking some three branches, which I thought would be pretty creepy  but I didn’t get any reaction. I tried knocking over their hats, tripping them but they would just laugh it off and continue. They sat in a circle around the center of the graveyard in a patch of grass. At this point I felt like I was a failure, just wasting my time trying to get a reaction out of some people who were minding their own business. But I still didn’t give up. I was determined to be the ghost that I was afraid of. I went over and I kicked one of their red bull cans that was laying on the ground. The can went flying and hit a tombstone on the way down. They all stared at it, every single one of them turned over to look at the can, now lying next to someone's grave. I could see it in their faces that they were shocked beyond belief, no one said anything.

Until one of the girls with a beanie said:

“Ben, what’s wrong with you!”

Ben was presumably the person to whom the can belonged to.

“I don't know, I didn’t do anything.”

“What are you implying, a ghost did it?” 

The loudest and most obnoxious member of the group yelled out:

“Hey, ghost, whoever you are, what you did just now was not cool, bro.”

“I swear on my life it wasn’t me”

“Dude come on, not funny” said the guy adjacent to him.

“Dude I swear I didn’t do it.”

“OOOOOooo let’s get away before the spooky ghost kicks more of our cans.” said the obnoxious one

“Why are you blaming me, it must be one of you guys. Why would I throw my own can, just admit this is a prank.”

At that moment everyone in the group looked towards the obnoxious one knowing that he was the most likely candidate to pull something like this off.

“I keep telling you it was a ghost.”

“Why would a ghost kick Ben’s can for no reason.” asked the girl with the beanie.

“Maybe he is a lonely ghost that just wants some attention”

The whole group burst into laughter and at this point I didn’t feel like I wanted to continue this pathetic display any further, I went over to pick up the can so I could throw it away, but as I picked it up I realized that right in front of me was my own gravestone. It was strange, it felt like seeing yourself on tv, and pointing and saying that’s me. That’s me, among all of these other dead people.

I could barely hear a voice coming behind me

Being dead, you don’t get to have conversations with other people, so my mind has just started ignoring the voices of people, in whom I have no interest. But then I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was the first physical contact I felt since I died. When I turned around I was baffled, that it was another person.

She said “Hey, I was asking you if that is your grave.

I quickly looked around to see if there was anyone else around, but there was no one, she looked at me half confused, half entertained and said. “I’m talking to you stupid.”

I was still like a statue, the first human to acknowledge my existence for over 6 months.

At that moment I heard the group of teens scream, as they were looking at the can still in my hand, they quickly and clumsily ran out of the graveyard, hopping over a fence since it was the fastest way. Ironic how I got the reaction I wanted so bad before without even trying. But I couldn’t care less at this point.

“You gave them a pretty good scare, I bet they will remember this for a long time.

I couldn’t even say a single word, if it was as if my tongue was glued to the roof of my mouth but a managed somehow to get out:

“Are you dead.”

“What do you think? What about you?”

“I think so.”

“You think so?”

“Well yes, I mean, I’m pretty sure I am… How are you talking to me.”

“Um, with my mouth.” she gave a confused look.

“No, I mean, no one has spoken to me since I died, how are you, speaking to me I mean.” if I could still sweat you can bet that there would be bucket loads by now.

“Because I’m a ghost just like you. Ghosts can talk to ghosts, that’s how it works.”

So there are others I thought to myself.

”How come I haven’t seen a single other ghost so far.”

“We like to keep to ourselves. Sometimes you can see us, sometimes not. Sometimes you couldn’t even tell if someone was a ghost. Like, I didn’t think you were a ghost when you walked in.”

“I’m so excited to meet another one like me. You have no idea how alone I have been, I felt like I was on a deserted island and I was going crazy.”

“I know the feeling, bud.”

“So, how did you die.”

“Hey, now slow down a bit. You don’t just ask people how they died just like that. That’s something like close friend material. It’s like ghost etiquette.”

“There’s ghost etiquette?”

“Well not really, it’s just regular etiquette but plus new stuff related to the afterlife.”

“Well what can I ask you? Sorry, I’m still new to this.”

“Usually when I talk to other ghosts we start off with when we were born and died. It just gives us a vague sense if we are going to get along, or not, for example I was born on October 10, 1896.”

“1896?!?. But you're so young.”

“Well, I died young. Ghosts don’t age, you know. Would you believe me more if I looked like an old grandma ”

“Well it’s just that you look and talk like you're from this era”

“I change with the time, you can’t expect someone to stay the same forever. Trends come and go and I embrace them. Just because I’m dead doesn't mean my connection to the world has to be dead.”

“What do you mean by your connection to the world. We’re dead, there is nothing we can connect with.”

“You don’t have to interact with something to be connected to it, sometimes being an observer is enough. When you’re a spirit, all you can do is observe, every person has their own story and it’s constantly changing, like the world itself. If you want to find meaning in your afterlife then you should try to see how things evolve, it’s beautiful in a way.”

“I never thought you could find meaning in death. It’s just kind of depressing that you don’t get to be a part of the things that are going on around you. Like that’s why I wanted to do something special for Halloween.”

“You can’t force your participation in the world, it has to come naturally. Try doing the familiar to get a sense of how it has changed. Spend time around the people you love whilst doing the things you loved during your life.”

“Thanks... I’ll try that.”

At this point I felt as if a new surge of energy and meaning was pulsating through my body.

“I was actually looking forward to scaring some people.”

“Who’s said that you can’t. I’ll help you out, it seemed like your methods weren’t working quite well back there”

“Well it is my first time. Maybe I should do it to my friends. I haven’t really seen them since I died.”

“Why?”

“Well I guess I was scared, I didn’t want to face the life that I left behind. Of course I planned to but I never really had the courage to go.”

“Well then, now is your chance to make a good non-impression. You can introduce me to them.”

“Yeah that sounds like fun.”

“And later I could introduce you to my friends”

“Are they ghosts?”

“All my friends are ghosts, come on let's go now.”