Growing up

I am 12, running in my neighbors backyard, soaking up the sunlight while their dogs run by my side. I fall to the ground and feel the dogs slobber run over my face. I viciously start petting them with all the love I can give and throw the tennis ball across the yard again. I smell the Chinese sausage, hamburgers, hotdogs, and chicken sizzling on the grill, and think to myself what is better than this? My mothers gorgeous blue eyes shining in the sun as she talks to Lindsie, my neighbor. My dads contagious laugh fills in the breeze as he talks down to Ray flipping burgers on the grill. Owen (9) and Colin (6) are jumping into the pool splashing anyone in arms reach. I run up the stairs to greet my mother with a hug. The smells of food are overwhelming me. My mind goes straight to the table set up with all types of different cuisines.

My best friend Ava, is standing next to me as I fill my plate with potato salad and Cole slaw and listen to her talk to me about how she wants to make a new Youtube tutorial with me. My sister Emily is standing on the other side of me. Freckles, glasses, braces and nothing more than beauty beneath the surface.

My entire world was surrounded by these people, and slowly started to disperse.

My big change was growing up, maturing myself into the young lady everyone wanted me to be. My freedom growing, but was it really? Pushed towards the idea of education being number one, and human connection being whatever number comes last. I have confined myself to my room while I often think to myself and wonder. "How does someone know they are in the good old days?" How does anyone know to cherish the time they have until the time is gone.

On my patio sits families from all around my home town. The Cahills, my lovely neighbors who I have grown up next to and learned to love them like my own family. The Moores, who are only down the road but from them I have earned more parents and more siblings. Especially Bridget the oldest. My sisters age, and the kindest girl I know, who feels like another sister to me. The Gavins, where I have gained a best friend (Ava), and such a family that I have spend more hours at their house than my own. The Santini's, who have opened their house to me during New Years parties and Super Bowls, filled with memories I will never forget. The Landers, who have given me my creative side, because they know anything is possible. From giant snow mountains in their backyard, to duck coops (not chicken) weaved in the trees, and dirt bikes to ride around for days.

The amount of people I have learned to love and cherish memories with is an extravagant amount.

Did the good old days leave, or just change? Did my priorities switch or become more necessary for my future? My happiness is more necessary for my future. Those people showed me happiness and family. They still show me it to this day, just with less time to give. Time is slowly slipping away to the wind. I don't want it to slip away. I want to keep it in my hands and play it back over and over again until I am convinced that it gets better than this.

Change is okay no matter how much it hurts to realize it. I miss those memories more than anything in the world. Now more than ever when things keep changing for the worst.

I want summer, I want fun, I want to be young again and have breath taking talks with my family, and not just my immediate family. With different perspectives, and lives, and love.

Love.

The biggest change is learning to love other things, and other people. Making memories with strangers and getting to know them as I did when I was carefree and 12 years old.

Growing up shouldn't be a change. It should be a new discovery. I am not going through change, but finding a new discovery. Finding new family, new friends, and new opportunities.

I am sitting on a mountain. All the families together watching the sunset throw the hills and shear clouds. Music playing, food grilling, kids laughing and playing games. My dad is throwing the football to Colin, and Owen is passing the soccer ball to Emily. Ava and I are sitting next to each other watching the sun go down because we are waiting for it to be gone. The night means the stars will come out. The closer to the sky you are, the easier it is to see the stars. I lay cuddled in my pajamas and blanket as the stars come out the shine. The sun gave me warmth, so now that it is gone I have to sit next to the fire. All of us gather around the ball of light and listen to my dad and Jeff play the guitar.

Going up to the mountains is one of my favorite memories. Without my neighbors I would have never experienced it. They own the house, the grass, the tractor, the food, the tents, and they bring the love. Everyone up here is so genuine.

Genuine. A word I try to live by everyday.

As I lay here in my bed and think about how to put all of my thoughts and memories into the right words. No words or even pictures will ever capture how I felt during these days. When I wasn't worrying about everything all the time. My whole life has been preparing me for a big change since I was born. Everything has happened for a reason. Every stressful moment in my life has built me stronger to take this big hit. This big change everyone keeps talking about. College, marriage, kids, a job that I am happy with.

This isn't a story, this is the real world. People deal with changes everyday, and have to live with them.

What if I don't want a change.

Can I go back?