Alternatives

I’m going to kill her.

Feet pounding down the pavement, his hand slid along the bulge in his overcoat for the thousandth time, tracing the solid bulk of the gun within.

She did it for the last time. The last goddamn time.

The bitter wind tugged at his hair, billowing it out into a sea of black tentacles. The bare trees and cloudy sky passed unseen overhead, the rumble of traffic an unregistered background hum.

He had never been a violent person, had never harmed anyone, not even an animal. The gun had been locked away since he had bought it a decade ago for protection, thinking he would never touch it again. Part of his brain was watching from afar, amazed at what he was planning, but the rest of him was just angry. Really angry. She had pushed him too far. There was no other choice.

Head down, collar up, as if afraid his thoughts could be read on his face, he hurried along the path, eager to be done with this, done with her. It would be such a relief and a thrill not to have that bitch on this earth anymore. Only two blocks to go. He pushed his legs faster.

He did not see the man walking towards him.

* * *

The obstetrician walked briskly along the path, oblivious of his surroundings. My first baby. I can’t believe it’s happening today. His body tingled with excess energy as he replayed the upcoming procedure in his mind. He had had countless hours of practice in his residency, but this would be his first delivery as a doctor, his first time being in charge of bringing a new life into this world.

The gentle breeze toyed with the edges of his coat as the first rays of sunshine broke through the clouds. Today was not as cold as it had been all month, the first sign of a coming spring.

I hope it’s an easy one. I don’t know if I can handle a complicated birth on my first day. He focused on his breathing to calm his racing heart as he reassured himself he would be able to handle it. Then he pictured his fiancé’s rapt expression as he recounted his day.

The two men were inches apart before the obstetrician noticed the man in the heavy overcoat. They were passed each other in a single breath, their eyes locking for one brief moment, long enough to leave him shaken. The man’s rage had been palpable, but that was not what had clenched his gut. There was something about the man that reminded him of himself.

Years ago, he had made some bad decisions, had been on a path to dropping out of college and likely ending up jobless in his parents’ house. His mother had been the one to convince him to finish college, and once he graduated, she began encouraging him to give medical school a chance. His mind had reeled at the idea of even more school, but over time, with no promising future prospects, he had agreed.

There he discovered his passion for helping others and met the love of his life, with whom he planned to have a child not long after their marriage. There was such joy in seeing a baby take its first breath, a new life with a world of possibilities before it. Nothing would be more fulfilling than raising one of his own.

Had he never gone to medical school, he could have seen himself looking like that man he had passed. Never in his life had he been more grateful for his choices. He would need to call his mother later to thank her again.

He shook his head, freeing the specter, and walked on.

* * *

The man in the overcoat stopped. He had caught a glimpse of the man who had passed him, the first thing he had noticed for blocks.

Why had he noticed him? It was the face, or rather, the eyes. It was like looking in a mocking funhouse mirror that reflected a happier, healthier version of yourself. The man’s face had been radiating exuberance.

His initial reaction was a natural one: anger. He hated the man’s self-importance, his posture, his glow, his clear aura of success. He had tried his whole life and failed time after time, so why should anyone else have better luck?

He had an impulse to pull the gun on the man, to redirect the anger at his girlfriend to this stranger. How great it would feel to snuff out that disgusting happiness.

And yet…those eyes had left him shaken.

He glanced back. The other man, who was wearing a doctor’s coat, was heading towards the hospital as if nothing had happened.

The man in the overcoat had debated about applying to medical school after he had graduated from college with good grades but a useless degree. Instead, he had moved in with his girlfriend at the time and taken a job as a cashier. Then, within the same month, he lost his job and his girlfriend dumped him. That was when things went downhill quickly. A new girlfriend had introduced him to cocaine, which had been the start of a lengthy addiction. He had managed to break the habit and find another job, but as he was driving in for his first day, he had been in a car accident that landed him in the hospital and, with his awful insurance, exorbitant debt. He had been broke and depressed ever since, jumping between various jobs. That was years ago, and he had never looked back. Now this stranger passing him by was like seeing another version of himself, one who had made different decisions.

He closed his eyes and felt the bulge in his coat again, and his mind did something it hadn’t done in a long time: looked ahead. There was only one way he could see all of this playing out. Police. Trial. Jail. But there was another choice, an obvious one that his emotions had clouded into obscurity.

He was tired of making the wrong choice. Many of his past decisions had been muddled by some element of the unknown, but not this one.

He turned and went back the way he had come, following in the footsteps of the other man.