A Moment of Happiness

Trigger warning: suicide

   There he was. An absolute stain for sore eyes to behold. His baggy clothes struggled to conceal his large bulging frame. Long gone were the rock-hard abs of yesteryear. I lost track of him after his failed attempts to reconcile with me. We were not headed in the same direction. I had different needs and wanted the world. He could offer me absolutely nothing besides a baby out of wedlock. At some point, his entire existence simply disgusted me.  

Lionel was a year ahead of me in high school.   He was accepted to more than one HBCU to study engineering, but he settled on Morehouse. His large family could not have been prouder of him for this accomplishment. Our prom picture sparkled at his graduation party. One by one each family member pledged their financial support as he embarked on his collegiate journey. I wished him well with a very strong realization. “If you meet someone while you are away, do not feel obligated to hold on to me. Go forth and live your life.” It is to this very minute that I question how wise that sentiment was.   

It was not long before he returned home for the holidays. He was problematic. It was my final year of high school. We argued about insane things which drove my peaceful world into chaos. His friends avoided him like the plague. They claimed that he was no longer cool. His mother declared war on his rude and disrespectful behavior. She could not believe that she had given birth to this poor excuse for a human being. She shipped him back to college early and had a drink. I ended our now farce of a relationship in pursuit of my own journey. Everyone in his life simply backed away from the new terrible version that Lionel had become for our own sanity. 

He dropped out of Morehouse in February and returned home in utter disgrace. For a time, his family was unable to handle his failure. They had such high hopes for him.  He tried to contact me, but I never spoke to him for a long period of time. There was no room in my life for him. The second half of my senior year was quite busy with activities, college applications, and dress shopping. 

As he spoke to me now, almost thirty years later, his spirit appeared broken. He had fathered three children but never married. He was seeing someone, but he suspected that she was seeing someone else. His eyes were glassy. That chocolate skin had turned to gray dust. Apparently, he had received a devastating health diagnosis from which he was struggling to recover. His mother divorced his father due to adultery. The large family that once lauded him only appeared during holidays now. His entire existence was completely broken. My eyes briefly watered for him out of sheer compassion. This was not what we had expected. 

Lionel was slated to be a top engineer for a local company. A beautiful loving wife was supposed to be beaming at his side with their bouncing baby boy. There was no Rottweiler to guard him, and he loved dogs. Instead he had fallen into despair. It was hard for me to tell him about my successful life as I paid the waiter for my coffee. As the hot liquid graced my being, I explained how life after high school became very interesting. 

My undergraduate degree took me five years to complete. Fortunately, the scholarship board agreed to cover the extra time. I finished with a major and a minor much to my surprise. My business formed during those times and work came easily. My office was complete with a personal assistant, laptop, and two lines to handle all of the phone traffic. It was a women's’ empowerment consulting firm. Everything from spiritual guidance to mental health was offered. Workshops, private sessions, conferences, and public speaking engagements were all on my roster. International travels led me to the love of my life. The last trip to France blessed me with Pascal. He gave me a beach side condo as a wedding present which is where I would go for private retreats. We lived on a horse ranch outside of town. Our baby was also on the horizon.   

    He smiled and accepted my joy. My cell phone started ringing, and we decided to part ways. We did not fake promise to keep in touch. He tried to reach out to me a few times on FB, but I was not interested in shenanigans. My marriage stopped me from staying in touch. Whatever problems plagued Lionel would not be solved by talking to me. Hopefully, there was a psychiatrist involved. It was no longer my intent in life to help people at the risk of myself. 

    My baby shower took place a year after that meeting. My gut threatened to drag me to the floor. All of my family and friends gathered to welcome the new blessing into our tribe. When I heard someone mention Lionel, I piped up that I saw him about a year ago. A quick hush fell over the room. Everyone stared at me. I could hear the batting of the false lashes. The band started playing my favorite song and Pascal asked for a dance. He had to help me waddle to the dance floor. The hush faded away without explanation. My curiosity grew. What happened to Lionel? 

    Later that evening, Pascal told me that he had taken his life. He left a suicide letter which mentioned my name. He was very happy to see me that day. It was the first happy moment that he had experienced in a long time. I did not go to the funeral. Between the baby and regret, it was too much for me to handle. Pascal did send his mother a fruit basket from our family. He later informed me that Lionel’s current girlfriend attended the funeral with her wife. His children were also present but left early because none of them could remain calm. The loss of their father at such a young age was unbearable. 

    It was a difficult thing for me to accept. Did my desire to distance myself from Lionel play a part in his death? He was always a mess, and I just could not be around such a disaster. It never crossed my mind that suicide was even an option for him. Between a few conversations with my therapist, and time, I was able to make peace with the decision that Lionel made. He could not make headway with his life. The way he chose to handle it did cause a lot of pain and suffering. Whenever he crosses my mind, I pray for his spirit to get closer to God. What he was not able to accomplish in life, maybe he can accomplish in death.