Unknown

“It’s not your job to fix me. It is your job to hold my hand while I fix myself.”--Unknown

My name is not Jane Doe. I don’t know what it is but I know it is not Jane anything. Jane doesn’t even fit me. I look in the mirror and don’t see Jane Doe. I see my face but not my name. I don’t remember my name, my age, my birthday or anything about myself. I walk around in a no name haze. I look at every face I see on the street, on the bus, on the trains that I come across. I want someone or something to look familiar but it doesn’t. I wander around and find myself at this little cafe not far from where I decided to rent a small apartment. I think in my head that maybe someone will come in who knows me or who I can remember. Everyday I get coffee there and a bagel. I sit near the window and I stare out the window looking at the busy city and people hustling by. Some of them are probably going to work, others probably school and some probably have nowhere to go. I think of those people, the ones who have nowhere to go. We are all just here trying to live the best we can.

A year ago I woke up in a haze of lights blinking in my eyes in a hospital bed. I heard voices asking me if I knew where I was and who I was. I didn’t know either one. They told me that I was there for two months and was found unconscious on a park bench on 5th Avenue. I didn’t remember how I got there or why I was even there. 

I checked myself out of the hospital when I could and tried to remember anything from my life. One day while I was walking around the mall one woman, a short older woman with long red hair pulled up into a bun on the top of her head stopped me. She spoke to me and called me Kay. I had no memory of her at all but pretended that I did since she acted like she knew me from my previous life. She rattled on about how nice it was to see me again and it had been a long time and was so sorry about my dog. I wanted to tell her that I didn’t remember anything about anything she was talking about but before I could say a word another woman, a younger woman came and stood besides the older woman and rushed her away. She grabbed the woman’s arm and pulled her away from me. I didn’t know why. Was I a horrible person in my past? Did I do something to the woman pulling the other woman away? I had no clue.

That night I went home. I had managed to get myself a job and an apartment in spite not remembering who I was. I gave myself a name, Violet Marie Burns. I made myself a cup of strong coffee and sat down in front of the TV. I couldn’t help thinking about what happened at the mall. I couldn’t help but think my name could be Kay. Maybe Kay was short for Katherine or Kayla or something else. I didn’t know.  All I knew was the hospital tried to find out who I was and worked with the police to try to find out but nothing. It was like I belonged to nobody. Nobody knew me or wanted to claim me. I was angry, sad, upset and a whole lot of other emotions all mixed into one. I even tried to find myself online. I searched and searched and even I couldn’t find anything. Was I just another nameless face in the crowd? Didn’t anyone know me? Did I have a sister or brother or even a mom or dad out there looking for me? I couldn’t find anyone. 

I went to work and came home like a robot everyday. Always thinking in my mind that I can’t remember me. I can’t remember who I was or what I did. I made a decision. I gave myself one year to try to remember who I was and after that I would decide what to do next.

In December, almost the last day of the year I met someone. I met Troy. Troy worked in the building next to mine and looked like he could be a model instead of a banker. He was tall, with bright green eyes, and you can tell he never missed a day at the gym. I hadn’t even known that Troy noticed me as much as I had noticed him. I felt like I had a school girl crush on him and was a little embarrassed when he came to my table at the cafe and introduced himself. He asked if I was married. I said no. I believed that if I was my husband should have found me by now. We talked and even celebrated the new year together. Then it was time.

It was time to come clean and tell Troy about my past I couldn’t remember. I told him the whole story about the hospital and the park and all the searches I made looking for myself and how I got my job and apartment. I was waiting for him to run away and run away as fast as his feet could carry him. I was thinking that I would if I were him. But, he didn’t run. He stood up and I guess he was trying to process what I just told him. 

“Violet.”

“Yes, Troy.”  I said bracing myself for what was to come.

“Baby, I will help you find out about your past if you want me to. I will do anything and everything in my power to help you and give you what you need. But, baby, I want to tell you this too that I don’t care about your past. I love you.”

I started crying. I was in an ugly cry with my nose running and tears running non stop down my face. I loved Troy too.

“Troy, I love you.” I managed to say through my tears.

A year later we married. I never did find out about my past. I didn’t care anymore, I just wanted to concentrate on the future. My future was all that mattered now and my new husband and dog, Benny.