My prison within.

I was born with one clear emotion, I knew from my first gasp of air I was taking this journey alone. I grew up lonely with the rapids of the North Umpqua river my only friend. Its just the way the cards were dealt and I carried on despite the knowledge that kin folk would escape me and life, cold hard life was something I would have to figure out on my own...

There was an unspoken knowing in my gut that I was not important or valued. It seemed to attract the perfect storm of chaos and blind stupidity in every relationship I attempted to have. It has taken decades to realize that the lost and broken little girl inside me didn't have anyone to teach her of love and such emotional luxury's like feeling I was worth love. The first seed of recollection came in the mail. It was a random act of kindness from either a secret admirer or a stalker. The note said. "you don't know me but I wrote this to tell you , I think you are very kind and you make me feel special" Who was it? How does this person know where I live? I was glowing inside. It never occurred to me that anyone could think I was special.

I walked inside to the sting of my boyfriends slap because the food I had prepared for him was too salty. I remember thinking in that moment, I can either run or I can stay a victim forever more.

That stormy night last fall, when I finally left my latest disaster I didn't have a plan. All I knew was I was done with nar cis sis tic assholes. I would no longer invite people in so they could ruin my life. It was time for me to save myself. Yet this time I was completely drained. My bones ached and my soul was on fire. Suddenly my life of torment, my heart so deeply broken had a moment of reflection. I couldn't go on this way anymore. In that very moment it occurred to me that I was giving my life exactly what I thought it deserved. Nothing! I had chose relationships that were cold and toxic. I attracted exactly what I thought I deserved. I was constantly sorry. apologizing for things I hadn't done. I had even apologized for being born.

I turned towards the bed and grabbed my purse. Something inside me did a pendulum shift. I realized that I had been living less then half a life. Leaving my happiness and my self esteem in someone else's hands. I had wasted five decades as a victim, I was unwilling to give away anymore time. I refused to let fear stop me. I told my boyfriend I was going to get clean laundry from the car. I told him I had clean clothes for him in my car. I was smiling inside with stars in my eyes. He was screaming at me to hurry the fuck up. He threw something at me but missed. I didn't turn around. I turned the ignition but it took a few moments because my hands were shaking. Without looking back I peeled out of the driveway. I had my car, I finally had courage and I was determined to get my life back.

I kept driving. I chained smoked my way to Oregon to visit my childhood river friend. I wept for all that my life had been robbed of experiencing. I accepted my circumstances and I decided to forgive myself for everything I didn.t know existed. Most important of all love. I decided to make amends to my self. I decided to wipe my slate clean. To start over with fresh eyes and a loving soul. Before I realized it, there I was walking towards the river bank which was my only childhood friend. I could smell the trout and the moss where all my secrets came rushing through. A curious deer was gazing right through my eyes from the other side of the river.I sat down on the edge and let my fingers sift through the cold fresh water, as if to cleanse myself from the ghosts of my past.

I swam further into the raging North Umpqua, hoping to see the salmon swimming up stream. I held steady against the rocks and cried harder then I ever have. I finally understood that my younger self had been trapped by the sadness and memories she endured,

I felt her inside me trying to break free as the sun set through the trees. I decided to swim as far under as I could go, When I came up I said good bye to that part of me. I whispered to her go play with the angels as you are no longer burdened with the chains of the past. I would like to make amends to myself! I didn't mean to keep that part of me trapped in the past. I want to make amends to every person I hurt because I was hurting. I see now that I was attracting to me the only thing I'd ever known. Cold and empty was home to me for many many years. I just want to tell that side of me I'm sorry that you went through so many years, feeling so lost. I hope you will forgive me. As the moon was coming up over the pine trees I finally felt ready to start my new life. My prison sentence was finally over. My slate was wiped clean. There were no bars on my heart and no fear stopping me. I had been baptized, I was reborn by my own love. I need look no further then myself for my happiness. I have been forgiven, I decided to make the very best of what time I had left on this earth. I followed the light of the moon back to my car energized. I started the ignition. It didn't matter where I was going. I was free!