No ones judging you

The young woman's celestial eyes shone behind the mask as she placed her delicate hand in his; he placed his hand on her waist and whisked her onto the ballroom floor and they turned and twirled as if they were professionals. 

Peering back down again, I unlocked my phone for the 1000th time and sighed. Holly was still passed out on the floor looking really uncomfortable, her legs stretched out on another chair. Lindsey was leaving, and sooner or later the room would be empty. Just the dust would flutter through the intoxicating oxygen that would trap any feeble, innocent being. Oxygen is the drug that keeps us alive.

Lindsey parts herself from the man and approaches me. “Rilynn? I’m leaving now, do you wanna come?” She asks as she searches my face. “I’m taking Holly, so do you want to tag alone.” 

I navigate her freckled face for an option but I notice as she constantly peers back at the man. “No, it’s fine. I need some air anyways.” I reply as I understand. “Go ahead. But be careful, okay.” 

“I will! Honestly, it’s like you’re my mum.” She says as I chuckle half-heartedly. “Okay, I’ll get going.”

I watch as Lindsey slides her hand into his and Holly drags herself after them. I watch as every person leaves the room with their lovers or “friends with benefits”. 

I like drinking tea alone, and reading alone. I like riding the bus alone and walking home alone. I like eating alone and listening to music alone. 

But when I see a mother with her child; a girl with her lover; or friends laughing in the sun... I realise that even though I like being alone... I don't fancy being lonely.

This loneliness is a vice on my heart, squeezing with just enough pressure to be a constant pain. It kills me every day just a little bit more, taking what was once my inner light and replacing it with a darkness that overshadows each moment. It is the fuel of my nightmares, the reason I struggle to breathe when a new shock comes. Where is the limit? When comes the point at which dogs are called off and the help begins? Because I need to know; I really need to know.

I plug in my headphones and suddenly a click, static and a pop comes out in a beat. Listening to the arithmetic beat of the bass feels me with warmth. It floods through my blood, almost changing the beat of my heart matching with it's own. The music and I have our own language, we speak to each other without words. The headphones splits us apart from the normality of the world. Here I travel alone.

  I squeeze my eyes shut as I count to five; “One… two… three…four…five.” I whisper as I open my eyes. Before me is a young, handsome man. Blue eyes, gentle face and a generous smile. He holds out his hand as I slip my hand into his, he pulls me up towards him. He hooks my waist and we twirl around. He guides me through each step and funnily enough, everything is perfect. 

“I never saw you here? Where did you come from?” I ask but once I do, he doesn’t reply. “Excuse me, I just asked you something?” 

He faces me and he does, he smiles without even hearing what I said. I suddenly realise, “You’re not real. You’re messing with my head.” I say as I feel the pit of my stomach sink.

He leans in for a kiss and as he does, I push him back. My hand hovers through his chest and soon he deforms and cripples into dust on the floor. 

I sink back into my seat and rub my sweaty palms on my jeans. “It was fake.”

But when I peer up, a man sweeps up the dust off of the floor. “You’re real aren’t you?” I question. 

“You can kiss me to prove my existence.” He laughs.

“No thank you.” I grimly reply in a short voice. 

“I was only joking.” He replies.

“Nobody was asking for a joke, okay.” I utter. To relieve the situation, I pocket my phone and walk out of the building. 

I could feel my heart beat… every single pound in my chest. Not through my ears, that was occupied by the steady drum, the popping bass line; the rap music drowning it out in the ears. But I couldn't lay there. I had to but I couldn't. This great pounding, this great pressure; every beat. I couldn't hear it, but I could feel it. It remains now, even as I write, it remained through what little of the music I could shove down my throat. 

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“I reach the water fountain outside and brace my hands onto its marble structure. I hallucinated again. Hallucinated. I’m mad, mad ever since those… those pills. I feel my eyes drip and as they did, each salty tear dropped into the water; the liquid now poisonous. 

I feel the vibrating of my stomach shudder through my body; when we passed by earlier there was a KFC. I could go there and eat. Reaching into the pocket of my trouser, my wallet! It would probably be upstairs. Unless someone stole it, no why would somebody do that?

Walking back up the stairs left my legs aching and heart burning. But with each stride my mind became more clear, more resolute, as if the growing physical distance between my wallet and me had now become an emotional chasm. 

The same man sat on the chair, his olive skin enveloped him and his brown eyes warm and soft. “Excuse me, I think I left my wallet here.” I ask as he looks up.

“Haven’t seen it.” He says.

I inch my way around the room searching for it whilst he just stared at every move or stride she took. “Was there something important in it?” 

“Yes. Umm my money, cards and a photo.” I reply hastily as I move onto the next table.

“Is it this one?” He asks as he unfolds his hand to reveal it. 

“You had it the whole time!” I shout breathlessly. “You… you… idiot.” 

He opens it up to flick through its contents. “I can’t give it to you yet.” He says.

“Why?”

“You need to tell me it’s contents.”

“I don’t know?”

“Fine, the details of the photo.” 

“The photo is of my family, dad, mum, brothers and sisters.” I reply.

“Where are they now?”

“I don’t know.” I reply. “Look, just give it.”

He flips over the photograph and reads the back. “Sorry. Sorry for everything I’ve done and taken. I’m sorry for taking those pills…. Oh.”

I lunge forward and grab my wallet. 

“Look, I’m sorry.” He says. “I didn’t know it…”

“Just drop it. Yeah you look at me and you know I’m no princess. I’m no angel. I’m nobody precious.” I say. I squeeze my eyes shut and count to five. “One…two….three…four…five.” 

I look up and see nobody but just a plain room. Dark figures come climbing through the windows and surround me, one grabs my hair, one takes my hand and kisses it, one then smacks my head, one then hugs me, and then one pulls them all back and punches me, then immediately hugs me. Hurt, love, hurt, love, hurt, love. A constant cycle. I look up to the man hugging me and slap him, “You’re not real! Leave me alone!” 

Immediately, they vanish. Yet one stays and hugs me. I look up and realise the man is hugging me. “You’re shaking. Are you okay?” He asks as he hugs me even more.

I pull apart but he lingers near, “Sorry. I’m not used to hugs.” 

“What happened?” He questions as he pulls up a chair for me to sit on. I oblige and he sits opposite me, taking my hands into his and uses his thump to run circles on my skin. 

“These- these men in black came in and hurt me and then one hugged me and then one hit me and then one hugged me.” I quiver as I look up at his face. Up close his face was beautiful; his eyes spark emotion and his cheeks are full of colour. “You think I’m mad, don’t you.” 

“No, I just think you need comfort for once.” He mentions. “Love.”

“No… no they’re just hallucinations. I haven’t taken my medication. That’s why.” I say as I feel embarrassed. “Way to make people judge you Rilynn.” I whisper.

“No ones judging you Rilynn. Jacob, nice to meet you.” He announces.

“Nice to meet you,” I pipe up as I feel more comfortable. “You know about earlier, sorry.”

“No, it’s my fault, I shouldn’t have read what’s not mine.” He mentions as he leans in for a hug but then gives out a hand to shake. “There’s a KFC nearby, wanna go?” 

“I’d love to.” I oblige.

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“I have to admit, this has turned out more better than I thought.” I remark as I walk down the street with my shoulder resting on Jacob’s shoulder. His arm wraps around my waist and clutches it tightly. 

“Thanks for coming, it was fun.” He says as he slurps his coke. “Do you want some?”

“No thank you.” I say. “I’m just fine.”

“So, do you think I’ve  made you a hugger?” He laughs as I smile for the first time.

“First of all, I’ve never smiled this much before and second is I’d only hug you.” I whisper in his ear.

“Well that explains why you have no wrinkles and beautiful as heck.” He whisper back in my ear. 

“I think I’m hallucinating again.” I claim as I look around nervously. 

“Hey, hey. I’m here with you. What are you hallucinating?” He says concerned as he hugs me. 

“They’re- they’re coming to kill me!” I whisper-shout in his ear through sobs.

“Okay. Now do what I say.” He says as he brushes away my tears. “Okay.” 

I nod and say, “Okay.”

He lifts me up and holds me in a bridal carry, “Close your eyes and put your face against me.” 

I do so and dig my face into his soft neck. I bite onto his shoulder as I stifle a scream.

Slowly, I feel myself doze off. 

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I awake to the sound of breathing that isn’t my own. Though my eyes are open I can't think of why; my heart is pounding, mind empty. It's as if a hypodermic of adrenaline has been emptied into my carotid. I spring up and scream, “Jacob! Help me.” 

I sob through damp eyes, my body sweats as I cry. 

“Rilynn. Rilynn shhh.” He whispers as he hugs me. I clutch his bare back as he strokes my hair and rubs my back. 

“They came again. They came.” I cry out as I nestle my face into his shoulder. 

“Shh- shh. When they come, I’ll be here.” He whispers. 

“But you won’t be here with me all the time.” I shed tears as he moves my face to face me.

He brings our foreheads close and clutches my back, “I will always be there, if you want me to.” 

I nod continuously as he kisses my forehead.He lies down and pulls me down next to him. I bury my face further into him as I wrap my legs around him.

“You’re naked.” I muffle.

“So are you.” He chuckles. “Don’t worry, no ones judging you.”

I kiss his chest and reach up to his neck. I look up at him, he’s asleep, he wouldn’t notice?

I dive up and kiss his lips and as I do, I notice he was awake. I pull my hand up and massage his stubble. “Sorry. I thought you were sleeping.” I smile as my cheeks flare up.

He slowly reaches forward until his lips nearly meet mine, “May I?” I nod as I feel his hot breath hover above my skin. Jacob parts his lips and kisses me. 

Just as the first bite of cold reached my body, Jacobs hand grasps onto me and flips me under him. He acts like a duvet; a double duvet.

“Can I lie on top?” He asks.

I smile and pull him down. I wrap my legs his back and curl my fingers around his hair.

“You’re so different.” I say.

“How?” He muffles through my hair but finally hooks his lips around mine.

“You’re… calm… loving…. Beautiful… and” I say through each kiss. “Mmm… and… I love… you.”

He suddenly plunges his tongue in my mouth  and wraps it around mine. He finally pulls away breathless, “I love you.” 

We smile for a few seconds and then we pull each other close for the night.

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Jacob  spread the avocado over the toast and sprinkled tomato on top as if it were cake decorations. There was a joy in how he did it, as if for a moment he was happily absorbed by a feeling of love that played in his subtle smile and soft gaze. Then he brought it over, his and mine, the breakfast that became a part of the rhythm of our lives together. For the first time ever I could see every day of my future and I wanted it, I wanted to stay and be apart of it more than anything I've ever wanted.

“Kiss me.” I blurt out then cover my mouth.

“I was expecting a thank you, but I guess that’s a thank you.” He leans in close and kisses me. We hold it for 2 minutes.

“I mean’t, thank you but my mind spoke for me.” I chuckle but my smile falters as I see them again.

“You saw them again.” He says as he clutches onto me. “Here.” 

He lifts me up and sits me in his lap. “Ignore them and kiss me.” 

I do as he says and I close my eyes, fasten my grip on his neck and plunge my tongue in his mouth. 

I lick his tongue and wrap it around mine. I pull my tongue out and remove my mouth. “Look into my eyes.” He says and so I stare into his eyes. 

We blink at the same time and stare while we kiss. 

Sooner or later, I skim his boxers and I put it inside of me. He just stares at me through it all and they disappear. “Sorry. It just… I don’t know. It was in the moment.” I whisper.

“It was a good thing you started it off because I was going to do it. But now, I’ll help you.” He whispers as I bite his earlobe.

We climb the bed and he pushes me under him. I wrap my arms around his neck and kiss every inch of his face as I do I say, “Sorry.”

“No ones judging you, go crazy.” He says as I venture his mouth.