The Days are Numbered

Day-1

The phone call that followed was a short one. For the first time, I really struggled with the words to say to her. I assured her it was alright, but I knew it wasn’t. I told her not to cry while holding back my own tears. And yes, I told her I was with her, and we’ll see through it together.

But no, right!? I wasn’t with her, was I? I was a 1000 miles away from her and with all long distance transportation taken down, even if I could give a try. And for the worst part, say I could be with her, would they let me be near her, stay with her, hold her?

Pathetic times we live in right now, really....

As I hung up, the screenshot of the test report lay before me once again. And the dreaded words glared right at me through the trembling screen: “Result      –     COVID-19 Positive”.

She had been ill since the last 3 days- high fever, sore throat. Nasal swab samples were taken yesterday. And now the report instructs her to isolate herself unless the symptoms worsen. They say that these symptoms peak around the middle period, 6^th-7^th day, after which the disease takes a turn- one way or the other. That gives around 4-5 days to see where this goes.

Oh wait... Well, why would I say such a thing? It would go just one way. She’s a big time fighter, a champ, my girl is. And she’ll knock down this one too....

Day-2

An ambulance was called last night for her fever reached 104° F and blood oxygen level was around low normal, at 94%. It breaks my heart to think of her in the isolation ward along with the other patients. She texts me however, once in a while whenever she feels like. No calls, for sure. I could not let her see me break down, I simply couldn’t. Besides, she hates it when I cry..... “Oh yes,” I thought to myself, treading down memory lane, “she absolutely hates it....”  

Well, it wasn’t love-at-first-sight for the both of us. We were in the same group of friends in college. The occasional greeting, but that’s all. It took a semester for us to sit and chat one-on-one. And every time, we did, the hours flew faster, or to say, they got longer. It was always about the next text, the next meeting, the next walk, in those days. It seemed so smooth, so natural when I was with her and we soon realized it wasn’t just good friendship.

 However, as much as we wanted to, we couldn’t see it working out in the long run. We belonged to the two different religions that won’t see eye to eye in our country. As we got closer, there were loads of arguments, squabbles, tears, and days on length when we won’t see each other.

But at last, under the starry dome of the April twilight, she’d say with a flutter in her tone, “Well, stop crying now, will you? I don’t like when you make that face. And now tell me what your heart says to you.”

“You know it, right, you know it well enough,” I burst out, “I can’t keep up with this game where we keep ignoring each other for no reason. I don’t care about what people say. I don’t care about what happens in the future. What I actually care about for now, this moment, is to be with you, for you, and to tell you how much,” and there I said it, “I love you.”

I think she didn’t expect it for her eyes widened a bit. Yet I could sense an air of excitement about her-like one of a jumpy little kid. She didn’t speak for a while. And I was just going to ask about her thoughts, before she answered for them, with a kiss.  

Pretty quick, 2 years flew by since that day and then, Corona happened. It was around the mid-semester break and we were supposedly going back home for a week. Well, the spring break broke into summer and autumn, and now lay dangerously close to winter. And all this while, reading all the numbers and the curves- going in just the one direction- I’d wish that if one of us were to catch Corona, it should be me.

Alas! It so should have been me....

I remember that fine evening a year ago, when she stopped me in the middle of our walk outside the hostel, her big, brown eyes, nervous yet beautiful, moving swiftly from side-to-side.

“I think I’m not the right one for you,” she let out eventually.

“Well, we’ve talked about it my dear, it doesn’t matter you’re a Muslim, I-”

“It’s not about that, you see. It’s just that.... things aren’t exactly right with me,” she looked really hesitant.

“Well, tell me what happened?”

“Oh my love, it’s that.... I was diagnosed with cancer when I was 3, a tumor right on top of the kidney. Removing the organ altogether was the only way I could survive. Well, that was carried off successfully but then they say the cancer can recur at any time, and on any part of the body. And you know I’ve breathing problems too, mild asthma.” She paused and her voice choked with emotion as she said, “Oh, I love you so much but I don’t know how many cold breaths remain inside me and I don’t want your healthy being to be dragged into... into this painful journey.”

I smiled at her, not at the sobbing wreck that was before me, but at the fierce warrior inside. I quipped that I had enough warm breaths to puff into her whenever needed, and whether it be a bumpy or a smooth ride, I’d be more than happy to be by her side.

Looking back at it now, I really should’ve gone for a better choice of words.

So, when I first looked up about the co-morbidity linked to COVID, it did send a shiver. But no, no!! The cancer’s long gone, and the asthma, well, she said it was a mild one, didn’t she? “You think too much, darling,” perhaps she was right. Oh, she’ll be alright... yes, yes, she’ll be fit as a fiddle again.

 Day-3

Mom had brought in breakfast- curry and rice, my favorite. But I had no appetite. I felt so cold and tired. Sleep seemed to elude me. I couldn’t move an inch from where I lay, didn’t feel like doing anything. After-all, it had been 8 hours since her last text.

“I told you to leave me alone.” The time stamp read- 3:16 a.m.

She didn’t receive any of my follow-ups. Before that, she was complaining about the cold, the mild pain in the chest, and slight difficulty in breathing. The doctor was called for and some tests were run. But that’s it. After 3:16, there was nothing.

“I told you to leave me alone.” Well, didn’t she? And not less than a dozen times, for sure; even if she didn’t mean once. But no, I was tired of fights, fall outs, noisy rows, break-ups- I had seen enough already at home. Mom and Dad had had a fair share of them ever since I’ve known them. One’s an alcoholic, one’s a cheater. There’d be days when neither of them showed up at home at night. I’ve never liked it at home for that reason. It had always been the same. Maybe.... I just... I felt that if our story could stay alive, maybe theirs would hold up too. Somehow, I was compensating for their relationship through ours. And so, even though our campus and the country shook with communal fervor and our future together seemed non-existent, I wasn’t going to give up on her; never going to leave her alone.... ever.

I didn’t receive a single text all day. My head seemed hammered, my heart seemed heavy and I felt chilled to the bone. If there were miracles, oh how I wished one to happen now!

“I don’t know why these people fight. When will they understand? Allah or Vishnu, they’re the same. I believe in Him, the One, don’t you?” she would ask with a child-like look all over her face.

Well, I was an atheist all along. But if You are out there, let me tell You this: she believed in You. She prayed to You all day, chanted Your name and thanked You for her being. Has big, big dreams, that girl. Don’t let them die with her.

Please save her.... What would I do without her.... I beg of You....

Day-4

There was silence throughout the morning and the afternoon. I would start at any notification that popped up, thinking it would be her. With still no sign of sleep, I felt more and more weak and groggy, hyperventilating in between, maybe out of panic; feeling the need for more air myself and slight feverish. “Your problems are my problems now,” I used to tell her, and it probably seemed so right now.

And then, finally, in the evening, the phone buzzed. The message read: “Well, seems like you don’t get to leave me as yet.”

Of course, I cried, and I cried like a baby. Apparently, she got critically low on oxygen the other night and had to be transferred to the ICU. She was put on an oxygen bed (not the ventilator), where an oxygen cylinder was administered. Fortunately, the lung infection was a mild one, so she improved well on the oxygen saturation level. She feels better without the cylinder for now, though still in the ICU, if the level dropped again. Anyway, her wit seemed back in the texts which suggested she was doing fine.

Oh, what a relief!

It’s all good now.... she’ll be fine.... fit as a fiddle as I said... she’s here to stay.... I.... well, I should rest now.... I feel really exhausted.... I should grab some sleep.... oh yes, sweet, sweet sleep....

Day-5

Somehow, I woke up in the morning and felt this sudden urge to see her, just this once, to see if she was recovering well.... that brave, brave girl; to peer once again into those deep dreamy eyes, lake-like. Oh, how I used to sit for hours and hours, diving into their depths! What beautiful moments!

I expected the video call to last a bit longer. She was feeling much better now. I loved the disbelief on her face, when I told her I prayed for her. I told her how much I loved her and that I knew she was a fighter and would kick corona’s butt off her.

She laughed for a while, that clear ringing laugh that I wanted to treasure within me... if nothing else. The laugh, that smile, that got me through all my lows. For sure, she will get better from here, my dearest....

I wish she’d have kept that smile up for a bit longer....

Instead she broke down bitterly as soon as she saw the glucose drip through my arm and the light blue bed sheet, before the call got disconnected.

The doctor, draped in big blue plastic, took the phone from my numb hand and told me my blood oxygen was at a critical level. He didn’t need to bother though. I could feel I wasn’t catching up enough air, and the world seemed to be.... well, sort of drifting away. It’s funny when I think of it now.... all the while spent in reading COVID statistics, the numbers, the fatalities- climbing and piling each day. And today, I would be one of them.... a number, a mere mark on the graph like the rest. But she won’t be there....oh I’m so glad she won’t be there with me....

With all the oxygen beds and ventilators in the hospital occupied, the doctor said it was a ‘miracle’ I survived the last 2 nights.

‘Miracle’.... No wonder he used that word. Wow, two miracles in two days! But was it Him...... was it her..... or was it..... Love....I guess I’ll never know.....

Ah.... I feel.... tired....too tired to struggle.....too tired to breathe.....no gasping for air now.... it’s getting calm.... it’s getting really..... quiet.....

Oh wait... I hear her laugh....clear as streams..... her eyes.... I see them.... let me take a dip.....

She’ll be fine...... yes, I know she’ll be good....

I think I can sleep now.... I should rest....

Rest in peace.....