The Egyptian Wedding

Hi Sweetie, I spoke to Tim and Adinah. Adinah thinks you are so hot, and she wants you to be one of her bridesmaids, but she was wondering if you wouldn’t mind wearing a dress that exposes your nipples.

She did not! You’re full of shit.

You don’t believe that Adinah said that?

No, I don’t.

Okay, but you believe that Tim did, right?

No, I don’t.

Okay. Let me go make the drinks, and I’ll be right back.

Okay, here we are, G&Ts are up. Also, new plan, Adinah totally understands where you’re coming from. She says you’re totally American and she understands the Puritanical culture. But she really wants there to be nipples in the wedding. So instead of putting the pressure on the women, she wants Tim and his groomsmen to wear tuxedos but no shirts. You know, kind of like the Chippendales. She figures that the jackets will come off at the reception, and then there will be plenty of nipples. Tim said he’s okay with it, and if you don’t mind, I’ll just go with the flow. We do get to keep our pants on. And of course, we will still have bow ties.

Will you stop?

Okay, let me go mix up the pizza dough for dinner.

Okay, the pizza dough is all together now, just have to let it rise. 

Meanwhile, Tim and Adinah called again. Adinah said she absolutely loved the idea of the codpieces, which I gave you total credit for. 

What?

Yeah, you know the codpieces. So that the men can be more sexualized even though they are keeping their trousers on.

She said that she hopes you’re not offended, but, even though the wedding is happening in Egypt she really just wanted what her Aussie friends call an aboriginal wedding, which, it turns out is what her Aboriginal friends call an Aussie wedding. 

Also it turns out, the wedding may not be in Cairo, after all. They may want to do it in Abu Simbel, you know in front of the Ramses Temple.

I’ve got to do my nails. 

So, do you want me to make a fire?

You don’t need to.

It’s only eight-thirty! You know you’ll be up til midnight.

I have to be up early though. It’s going to be a long week. 

Well hopefully it’s going to be a good one. Let me make a fire. Well finish watching Yellowstone and then put on Landman. 

Okay, I’ll go get my nail stuff.

The Buffalo says …

It’s a Buffalo Trace commercial. See, I don’t even have to be looking at it.

Uh, huh, what I like about you. 

This song always makes me think of high school dances. I’d be up on Tom Carr’s shoulders. Is this helping to warm things up?

Uh-huh. 

I’ll let the dog in.

Thank you. 

What was going on out there? Come on in Jake. Sit! Sit! Lie down. 

Toyota marathon.

Tie-yoh-tee. I once worked with a guy that liked to pronounce it that way. Like coyote. It took me a while to figure out what the fuck he head talking about. I was like sixteen years old, working on a construction site. 

Umm.

Want another pour?

Okay. 

… And the home of the brave!

We all gotta eat, somebody’s got to grow the food.

Umm hmm.

So, what would you think if I decided to go into the oil business as a consequence of watching Landman? The guy made $700 million on one deal. That’s the kind of money you need to be regularly accessing private planes and helicopters. You don’t want me to do it, do you? But you’re okay with me working on aerospace and defense deals in Africa?

I’m happy for you to make money any way that’s legal. 

Do you think I should be shooting for seven hundred million? Because, truth be told, I’ve been aiming a little lower than that. 

Okay, I’ll aim for seven hundred million. But we could end up in the trailer park.

We are working on a space deal now. 

Really?

Yeah, I’m going to meet Elon to get his thoughts on it.

Who?

You know, Elon. He’s spending a lot of time on DC now, so it shouldn’t be hard to get a hold of him.

You’re not.

No you’re right, not really meeting with Elon. But there maybe a space deal. In Africa. 

Is there any more wine?

There’s another bottle. I can open it.

How is it that I always get to the end of the night and I just want one more glass but there’s never any left.

Well, we basically split the bottle, but I can open a bottle of the same and pour you a glass. Or I can pour you some port.

I don’t want port.

Okay, let me open the bottle.

I don’t need the whole bottle.

I know, you just want a glass, but I have to open the bottle to pour you a glass.

Why did I set the meeting for so early tomorrow. What was I thinking?

Who’s it with?

Just internal, for the new team, but I just wish I made it later.

Well, I’ll help get you up, pack you a lunch and then you have your dinner meeting, but I’ll get everything set. Here’s your wine.

Okay, I’m out of hands. Can you turn off the lights. I just want to head upstairs to start winding down.

No problem, I’ll take care of everything. I need to run the dishwasher and take out the trash.

C’mon Jake. Jake, where are you? Jake!

There you are, c’mon boy, help me take out the trash.

Two Months Later… Seeting in Aswan

Eye ees seeting in Aswan. Eye awn weeth moy vife. You know Aswan? Eet is Riviera off Egypt.

Egypt ees begin off see-vilizay-shon. 

You know the Ga-reeks an’ even after thame the Row-mens. They all come to Egypt for to ekes-plore the see-vilizay-shon.

Why it is?

Whale, there ore many raisons.

Ferest, thay Egypit-shan pee-pulls, thay ore very ada-van-sed in many thangs.

They have thay ferest or-mee to make-uh the Am-pire.

Yew know yew have Am-pire es-tate bill-uh-ding in-uh New York? 

That es-tate and that-uh bill-uh-ding, they are come fuh-rom Egypit. 

That iss why you make-uh thay song, “Walk-uh like-uh an Egypit-shun.” 

Oy am leer-ning many thangs while oy am here-uh in-uh Egypit.

Eet iss very hote in Aswan. Ack-chew-elly, awl over Egypit eet can be qvite hote.

Yew ore in day-sert. So yew mossed duh-rink lotus-ess ove wah-ter.

Awl-sew, yew mossed not duh-rink too motch ove al-coh-haul. Too motch ove al-coh-haul can awl-sew dee-hi-du-rate yew.

Half yew been to Nubia? They wore yew-sing the day-yutz for the moe-knee. Eet wose bee-foe-wer they hayd the moe-knee. So thay were ole-wase way-ting foe-er thee hore-vest. 

Neck-est, vee go to Abu Simbel for vedding.

The following evening…in Abu Simbel

Hi Sweetie, all set? Oh you look great! I mean really hot. Tim better watch out! Adinah might be all over you!

Will you stop! Aren’t you going to finish dressing?

Oh, I’m dressed. 

But you aren’t wearing a shirt. You look like a…

Chippendale?

Yeah, I guess.

Adinah wanted nipples, remember?

I thought you were totally kidding. I guess… I guess I should have known better.

I guess so. Let me just finish putting on the codpiece. And then, Yella!